In today’s political climate, we as a nation are divided. Not since the times of Lincoln has the United States stood so divided on countless hotbed issues that finding a middle ground seems an impossible task. Now more than ever, this nation needs a strong unifying voice to lead the nation forward, and I am proud to say that today I will step up to the plate and do just that.
The most divisive issue facing this enduring nation, as we all know, is as follows: what’s going to happen with NCAA Division I conference realignment? Fear not, America, for I, the nation’s leading expert in all colleges, have taken the liberty to draw new realignment lines, and not just for college football. No no no, your good buddy Adam has taken the time to redraw new conferences for all 363 division 1 basketball schools. Really, there’s no need to thank me.
Without further adieu, let’s get right into it.
GEOGRAPHIC REGION CONFERENCES
One of the major conjoining factors for many of today’s pre-established conferences is geographic proximity, a concept that I see no issues with. However, the ebb and flow of conference shifts has antiquated some of the geographical bounds that pre-established conferences claim. In what world is Missouri a part of the South? And how is it considered Eastern? And for that matter, what part of Colorado, Utah and Arizona are Pacific? Instead of attempting to improve upon these conferences, I have instead opted to create five major conferences representing each of the directions in this great nation.
NORTHERN CONFERENCE
NORTHERN ALABAMA
NORTH DAKOTA
NORTH FLORIDA
NORTH TEXAS
NORTHEASTERN
NORTHERN COLORADO
NORTHERN ILLINOIS
NORTHERN IOWA
NORTHERN KENTUCKY
NORTHWESTERN
NORTHWESTERN STATE
CALIFORNIA STATE NORTHRIDGE
SOUTHERN CONFERENCE
SOUTH ALABAMA
SOUTH DAKOTA
SOUTH CAROLINA
GEORGIA SOUTHERN
SOUTHERN INDIANA
SMU
SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
USF
SOUTHERN MISS
SOUTHERN UTAH
CHARLESTON SOUTHERN
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
EASTERN CONFERENCE
EASTERN MICHIGAN
EASTERN ILLINOIS
EASTERN KENTUCKY
EASTERN WASHINGTON
EAST CAROLINA
MARYLAND EASTERN SHORE
SEMO
SOUTHEASTERN LOUISIANA
WESTERN CONFERENCE
WEST VIRGINIA
WESTERN ILLINOIS
WESTERN KENTUCKY
WESTERN CAROLINA
WESTERN MICHIGAN
CENTRAL CONFERENCE
CENTRAL ARKANSAS
CENTRAL MICHIGAN
NORTH CAROLINA CENTRAL
CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE
UCF
Of course, not all of this nation’s geographical features can be summed up solely by directions. As such, I have also taken the liberty to create a couple conferences dictated by the geographical features of their member schools.
MOUNTAIN CONFERENCE
APPALACHIAN STATE
COLORADO
COLORADO STATE
MONTANA
MONTANA STATE
MOUNT ST. MARY’S
LOYOLA MARYMONT
STONEHILL
LEHIGH (MOUNTAIN HAWKS)
LITTLE ROCK
WATER CONFERENCE
COASTAL CAROLINA
FLORIDA ATLANTIC
FLORIDA GULF COAST
GRAND CANYON
HAWAII
LONG ISLAND
MIAMI (HURRICANES)
NIAGRA
PACIFIC
RHODE ISLAND
STONY BROOK
TULSA (GOLDEN HURRICANES)
UMASS LOWELL (RIVER HAWKS)
STATES, CITIES, AND NOT-STATES
No matter how you look at it, there sure are many colleges which feature the word ‘state’ in them. Some of them aren’t even real states! Isn’t that crazy? Even crazier still, some schools representing states don’t even have the word ‘state’ in their official titles. Who named these schools, anyway?
STATES
ARKANSAS
FLORIDA
IDAHO
ILLINOIS
LOUISIANA
MARYLAND
NEBRASKA
NEVADA
OKLAHOMA
OREGON
TEXAS
MASSACHUSETTS
UTAH
VERMONT
VIRGINIA
WYOMING
STATE STATES
ARKANSAS STATE
DELAWARE STATE
FLORIDA STATE
IDAHO STATE
ILLINOIS STATE
INDIANA STATE
IOWA STATE
LOUISIANA STATE
NORTH DAKOTA STATE
OHIO STATE
OREGON STATE
SOUTH DAKOTA STATE
TENNESSEE STATE
TEXAS STATE
UTAH STATE
VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH (what is a commonwealth, if not just a funny state?)
NON-STATE STATES
COPPIN STATE
JACKSONVILLE STATE
KENNESAW STATE
KENT STATE
MCNEESE STATE
MORGAN STATE
MURRAY STATE
NORFOLK STATE
SAM HOUSTON STATE
SAN JOSE STATE
TARLETON STATE
WEBER STATE
WRIGHT STATE
CITIES
ALBANY
CINCINNATI
DENVER
DETROIT MERCY
HARTFORD
HOUSTON
JACKSONVILLE
OMAHA
PORTLAND
RICHMOND
SAINT LOUIS
SAN DIEGO
SAN FRANCISCO
SEATTLE
TOLEDO
ALABAMA-BIRMINGHAM
ILLINOIS-CHICAGO
TEXAS-ARLINGTON
WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE
CITY STATES
BOISE STATE
CHICAGO STATE
CLEVELAND STATE
FRESNO STATE
LONG BEACH STATE
PORTLAND STATE
SACRAMENTO STATE
SAN DIEGO STATE
WICHITA STATE
There are too many schools in the University of California system, and there are too many schools in the California State system. Both of these statements are factual. Another factual statement is that I didn’t want to bother to break all of them down into new conferences, so I grouped them together.
CALIFORNIA AND CALIFORNIA STATE CONFERENCE
CALIFORNIA STATE BAKERSFIELD
CALIFORNIA STATE FULLERTON
UC DAVIS
UC IRVINE
UC SANTA BARBARA
UC SAN DIEGO
ANIMAL MASCOTS
Birds, Bears, Dogs and Cats, oh my!
BIRDS
BOSTON COLLEGE (EAGLES)
CANISIUS (GRIFFINS)
CREIGHTON (BLUE JAYS)
DAYTON (FLYERS)
DELAWARE (FIGHTIN’ BLUE HENS)
ELON (PHOENIX)
IOWA (HAWKEYES)
MARQUETTE (GOLDEN EAGLES)
MIAMI OF OHIO (REDHAWKS)
WINTHROP (EAGLES)
BEARS
BELMONT (BRUINS)
CALIFORNIA (GOLDEN BEARS)
MAINE (BLACK BEARS)
MERCER
MISSOURI STATE
OAKLAND (GOLDEN GRIZZLIES)
DOGS
BOSTON (TERRIERS)
GEORGETOWN (HOYAS)
GEORGIA (BULLDOGS)
LOYOLA CHICAGO (RAMBLERS)
LOYOLA MARYLAND (GREYHOUNDS)
MISSISSIPPI STATE (BULLDOGS)
TENNESSEE (shout out to Smokey. What even is a Volunteer anyway?)
WASHINGTON (HUSKIES)
WOFFORD (TERRIERS)
YALE (BULLDOGS)
CATS
ABELINE CHRISTIAN (WILDCATS)
CLEMSON (TIGERS)
COLLEGE OF CHARLESTON (COUGARS)
COLUMBIA (LIONS)
DAVIDSON (WILDCATS)
FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL (GOLDEN PANTHERS)
GEORGIA STATE (PANTHERS)
KANSAS STATE (WILDCATS)
LAFAYETTE (LEOPARDS)
OHIO (BOBCATS)
PITT (PANTHERS)
PRINCETON (TIGERS)
CONFERENCE INDUSTRIES
For too long, universities featuring completely different main majors have competed on the court, and frankly, I think that isn’t right. Why would we, the people, need to know if engineers are better athletes than animal science majors? Instead, I plan to unify colleges of similar majors, because who doesn’t want to know which military academy has the best hoops program?
TECHS
CAL POLYTECHNIC
GEORGIA TECH
LOUISIANA TECH
NORTH CAROLINA A&T
NEW JERSEY INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY
TENNESSEE TECH
TEXAS TECH
UTAH TECH
VIRGINIA TECH
MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
AIR FORCE
AMERICAN
ARMY
LIBERTY
NAVY
TEXAS A&M
THE CITADEL
VANDERBILT
VIRGINIA MILITARY INSTITUTE
RELIGION
BYU
CALIFORNIA BAPTIST
HIGH POINT
HOLY CROSS
HOUSTON CHRISTIAN
INCARNATE WORD
NOTRE DAME
PRESBYTERIAN
PROVIDENCE (FRIARS)
SACRED HEART
SANTA CLARA (santa counts as a religion)
ST. MARY’S
ST. BONAVENTURE
ST. FRANCIS (NY)
ST. FRANCIS (PA)
ST. JOHNS
ST. JOSEPH’S
ST. PETER’S
ST. THOMAS
TCU
TEMPLE
WAKE FOREST (DEMON DEACONS)
These schools do not exist, so they can not have a main major, but it felt fitting to slot them in here as well. Maybe if they did exist, these would all be culinary schools. Who knows.
FAKE SCHOOLS
DREXEL
MARIST
MERRIMACK
QUEENS
RADFORD
STETSON
TEXAS A&M COMMERCE
TOWSON
UTAH VALLEY
COLLEGE NAMING CONVENTIONS
Let’s face it: some colleges are named dumb things. Some are named even funny things. And an undeniable fact about college names is that a lot of them allow you to classify those institutions by their name alone. Which is convenient for me, because I’ve done just that.
THE NAME CONFERENCE
BRADLEY
BRYANT
CAMPBELL
CHARLOTTE
DePAUL
DRAKE
EVANSVILLE
GARDNER WEBB
GEORGE MASON
GEORGE WASHINGTON
HOWARD
JAMES MADISON
LAMAR
LOUISIANA MONROE
MARSHALL
ROBERT MORRIS
SAMFORD
STEPHEN F. AUSTIN
TENNESSEE MARTIN
TROY
WAGNER
WILLIAM & MARY
FOUR WORDS OR MORE
EAST TENNESSEE STATE UNIVERSITY
INDIANA PURDUE FORT WORTH
INDIANA UNIVERSITY PURDUE UNIVERSITY INDIANAPOLIS
MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE UNIVERSITY
SOUTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY EDWARDSVILLE
TEXAS A&M CORPUS CHRISTI
UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND-BALTIMORE COUNTY
UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI- KANSAS CITY
UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- ASHEVILLE
UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- GREENSBORO
UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- WILMINGTON
UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA- LAS VEGAS
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA UPSTATE
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS EL PASO
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS RIO GRANDE VALLEY
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SAN ANTONIO
FOOD
BING(HAM)PTON
BUFFALO
COLGATE (toothpaste is basically a food)
(CORN)ELL
FORD(HAM)
(HAM)PTON
MINNE(SOTA)
(PEPPER)DINE
RICE
COLORS
ALABAMA (CRIMSON TIDE)
BOWLING GREEN
BROWN
GREEN BAY
HARVARD (CRIMSON)
RUTGERS (SCARLET KNIGHTS)
SIENA
STANFORD (CARDINAL)
SYRACUSE (ORANGE)
TULANE (GREEN WAVE)
ROCK OF AGES
NEW HAMPSHIRE
NEW MEXICO
NEW MEXICO STATE
NEW ORLEANS
OLD DOMINION
OLE MISS
YOUNGSTOWN STATE
THE FUNNY NAME CONFERENCE
AUSTIN PEAY
BALL STATE
BUTLER
DARTMOUTH
FAIRLEIGH DICKINSON
LINDENWOOD
LIPSCOMB
LONGWOOD
MONMOUTH
MORHEAD STATE
ORAL ROBERTS
RIDER
THE DUMB NAME CONFERENCE
BELLARMINE
BUCKNELL
CHATTANOOGA
DUQUESNE
FAIRFIELD
FURMAN
HOFSTRA
LA SALLE
PURDUE
QUINNIPIAC
SETON HALL
VALPARAISO
ZZZ
AKRON (ZIPS)
ARIZONA
ARIZONA STATE
GONZAGA
MIZZOU
NORTHERN ARIZONA
WAZZU
XAVIER (close enough)
ACTUAL BASKETBALL CONFERENCE
I suppose I would be remiss in re-aligning conferences without college basketball actually being a factor, and with that in mind, here are the basketball-first college basketball conferences.
All of these schools have won at least a few national basketball championships. Welcome to the big leagues.
CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS
DUKE
INDIANA
KENTUCKY
LOUISVILLE
MICHIGAN STATE
NORTH CAROLINA STATE
OKLAHOMA STATE
UCLA
UCONN
UNC
VILLANOVA
All of these schools are currently shrouded in some sort of national controversy, and instead of scattering them around the nation and messing with the mojo of my other, perfect, conferences, I have elected to group them all together under one, very very gray, cloud, where the rest of us won’t have to think about them.
CONTROVERSY CONFERENCE
AUBURN
BAYLOR
IONA
KANSAS
MANHATTAN
MEMPHIS
MICHIGAN
PENN STATE
WISCONSIN
And last, but not least: why mess with perfection?
THE SWAC
ALABAMA A&M
ALABAMA STATE
ALCORN STATE
ARKANSAS PINE BLUFF
BETHUNE COOKMAN
FLORIDA A&M
GRAMBLING STATE
JACKSON STATE
MISSISSIPPI VALLEY STATE
PRAIRIE VIEW A&M
SOUTHERN
TEXAS SOUTHERN