For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
“I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it” — Dwight Schrute
The numerous games that were played in (literally) below-zero temperatures
Unless you’re in California or Southwest Arizona, you’ve likely experienced the effects of the recent “bomb cyclone” that’s enveloped almost the entirety of the United States in freezing cold temperatures.
Bomb cyclone. What a powerful name for such a powerful thing. Meteorology has some of the coolest sounding jargon of any field of work. Tsunami. Stratosphere. Cumulonimbus. Natural disasters specifically have awesome names, so awesome that there are several college and professional American sports teams who are named after Mother Nature’s angry outbursts.
Bomb cyclone. That sounds like a wicked WWE takedown. I’m thinking you’d spin your opponent around by their feet Blades of Glory-style and throw them out of the ring or something like that. Forget the 619. Rey Mysterio should’ve called his famous whirlwind kick the Bomb Cyclone.
Anyways, the bomb cyclone that drilled the US seriously affected a bunch of NFL games on Saturday. In Kansas City, thermometers read temperatures below zero for one of the colder days in the city’s history. The visiting Seahawks didn’t seem to care…well, at least some of them didn’t.
In Chicago, wind chill temperatures crossed -30 degrees Fahrenheit, which is utterly absurd weather to even be standing in. The frigid atmosphere could be seen even in pregame warmups. Look closely at how thick and visible Justin Fields’ breath is in this pregame social media post from the Bears’ official account. It appears as if Fields is exhaling dry ice instead of carbon dioxide.
In Cleveland, temperatures resided in the -20’s with gusty winds, and the game reflected as such. In that kind of weather scenario, throwing and catching the ball is extremely difficult. Last season, Bill Belicheck fully embraced the cold to extreme ends, as Mac Jones attempted just three passes in New England’s 14-10 victory over the Bills in the freezing cold.
While Saturday’s contest between the Browns and the Saints wasn’t exactly that, it was fairly similar. New Orleans and Cleveland weren’t very strong passing teams to begin with, but throw in wonky weather, and attacking aerially becomes almost impossible. Besides, the Browns had Nick Chubb, and the Saints had Alvin Kamara, and both teams knew that. They combined to run the ball 73 times, while Deshaun Watson and Andy Dalton’s combined statline read a glistening 23/46, 227 yards and two interceptions with no touchdowns. Ew!
Finally, Foxborough. Yes, games in Baltimore, Charlotte, Nashville, New Jersey and Pittsburgh were all played in very cold and crappy weather. But it didn’t seem to affect the games as much as it did for the Bengals and Patriots.
Well, it didn’t affect everyone. Joe Burrow and Co. were airing it out like it was 70 degrees and sunny. Joe Brr seemed especially unbothered by the cold, as he completed 40 of his 52 passes (76.92%); the only other active quarterbacks to surpass that percentage while attempting at least 50 passes in a game? Dak Prescott and Kirk Cousins. Not who I expected!
Instead, it was the kicking for both teams that really struggled.
Evan McPherson missed a field goal and an extra point. Nick Folk also missed two kicks, both of which were extra points. Prior to Saturday, Folk had made 34 consecutive PAT’s dating back to last season and had never missed multiple extra points in a single game since he entered the league in 2007. His second miss was especially bad. It looked like he had kicked a basketball instead of a football.
When Blair Walsh infamously shanked a potential game-winning 27-yard field goal against the Seahawks in a frigid NFC Wild Card round game a few years back, Seattle kicker Steven Hauschka explained after the game how cold weather deflates a football and thus makes it harder to kick far and accurately. That’s likely what happened to Folk on Saturday. I remember playing football in the snow a few years ago and punting the pigskin for some reason; it felt like a bomb had detonated in my foot. Not fun!
This is where the “I believe all teams in cold climates should at least seriously consider having domed stadiums” argument could be considered valid. Take the Vikings, for example, who play in an indoor stadium. Greg Joseph’s 61-yard soul-destructing walk-off buzzer-beater against the Giants doesn’t happen if the elements are involved. But from a viewer’s perspective, watching teams succumb to the wrath of Mother Nature can sometimes be extremely entertaining, as it was over the weekend.
“When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don’t blame the child. He didn’t know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said ‘drive, kid. I trust you’.” — Pam Beesly
Matt Patricia attempting to run an NFL offense and failing miserably
While family is one of the most valuable things in life, coaching at the highest levels of football is not usually a place to keep family members close. See, Iowa.
While Matt Patricia isn’t exactly family to Bill Belicheck, he may as well be. He was New England’s defensive coordinator 2012-17 and was pretty good at it, so good at it that the Patriots were like “let’s have you run the offense now! Nevermind that your tenure in Detroit as a head coach was an abject disaster! And nevermind that you’ve never done this very important job before!”
That’s gone about as well as expected. The Patriots reside in the bottom half of the league in plenty of offensive categories. Mac Jones has significantly regressed from a promising rookie season and has openly complained about New England’s offense multiple times. I didn’t know how concerned I should’ve been when reports from Patriots training camp described the offense as “distressingly bad” and “routinely disjointed”. I guess my concern meter should’ve been on the verge of exploding.
Saturday was no different than most games this season for New England’s offense. Not including the end of the half, the Patriots punted on their first six drives of the game while the Bengals were humming en route to a 22-0 lead. Although the Patriots came back and had a chance to take the lead late in the fourth quarter, two things need to be considered. One, six of New England’s points came on a pick-six by walking electric factory Marcus Jones. Two, a good chunk of their offensive production during the comeback were utter miracles, mostly courtesy of Kendrick Bourne.
While those plays were objectively cool, they were definitely aberrations, occurrences that only happen once every blue moon. Most of the game went something like the clip below: the Patriots looking disorganized, running into nothingness and creating little to no open opportunities for positive gains.
As the quote implies, it isn’t Patricia’s fault for getting hired to a position that he had zero experience in. While his tenure calling plays for the Patriots has been an objective failure, he didn’t force his way into this position himself like a dictator. This falls on Bill Belicheck and the Patriots front office. For an organization that prides itself on excellence and making smart football decisions, the decision to hire Patricia for a job he was never qualified for in the first place has been anything but.
The Patriots are still in the AFC Wild Card race, but they’d be eliminated next week with a loss to the Dolphins. However this season ends, the best thing the Patriots can do this offseason is acknowledge their mistake and act accordingly.
Speaking of offenses that weren’t working too well over the weekend…
“Somebody got really carried away with the spirit of Christmas…it was me. I got carried away with the spirit.” — Michael Scott
Tua Tagovailoa and Russell Wilson’s not-so-merry Christmas
One of the best parts about the holiday season is giving. Unfortunately for Dolphins and Broncos fans, their quarterbacks took that sentiment a little too literally in both of their teams’ Christmas day defeats.
Let’s start with Tagovailoa, who threw three interceptions in the fourth quarter alone en route to a 26-20 loss at the hands of the suddenly rolling Packers. Although the second of the three could be rightfully blamed on Raheem Mostert – he admitted to running the wrong route after the game – interceptions one and three were…concerning.
Interception number one was nothing but a simple overthrow of Tyreek Hill. If Hill was eight feet tall, he would’ve caught it no problem; unfortunately, he isn’t, and the ball sailed poetically over Hill’s head and into the waiting arms of Jaire Alexander, who gave one of the more entertaining breakdowns of a play I’ve ever seen after the game. Dan Orlovsky better watch his back.
Interception number three might’ve been worse than the first one. Targeting Mike Gesicki on an out route, Tagovailoa clearly didn’t see Rasul Douglas drop back after tagging Tyreek Hill on the in-breaking route. By the time Tagovailoa let go of the ball, Douglas was already retreating into Gesicki’s area, making for an easy game-clinching interception.
Even on some of Tagovailoa’s completions, including a 52-yard bomb to Hill, the ball wasn’t in the place it should’ve been. This has been the case throughout the season.
You might be asking “can’t you give Tua a break? All you NFL media people have done since he got drafted is criticize him in every which way possible.” While I understand those feelings and agree that people have had Tua on a micro leash ever since his rookie season, there are a few valid reasons for it.
Not only was Tua drafted fifth overall, he was picked one spot ahead of Justin Herbert, who has proved time and time again that he’s a superior quarterback. The Dolphins invested heavily to build an offense that would uplift Tua, and his failures are further emphasized when quarterbacks like Herbert, Patrick Mahomes and Daniel Jones are consistently doing more with less help around them. Coaching is obviously a part of that, but Mike McDaniel is one of the brightest offensive minds in the game; it’s not like Jason Garrett is calling the plays in Miami. Also, Herbert’s play caller is Brandon Staley, a far inferior coach in terms of putting his players in positions to succeed.
The Dolphins clinch a playoff berth next week with a win over the Patriots and a Jets loss in Seattle. While Miami has arguably one of the three most electric offenses when they’re at the peak of their powers, their limitation at quarterback has proven to hold them back numerous times.
Should they make the postseason, I’d be curious to see how they perform in rowdy road atmospheres like Buffalo, Kansas City or Cincinnati. They’ve already done it once this season – I was extremely impressed with their performance in Buffalo despite losing – but can they go shot for shot against a Super Bowl contender without explosive plays being the meat of their offense? Can Tua create a positive play when his first read isn’t there? If the answers to those questions end up being yes, watch out.
Now, we mercifully head to Los Angeles, where the Broncos –
(Me from last Wednesday bursts angrily through the door)
Present me (visibly jumpscared by the presence of myself from the past): Whoa! Who the heck are you?
Wednesday me (acting like this is a normal occurrence): I’m you from last Wednesday.
Present me (still frightened): How did you get here? How do you exist? Can you see into the future? Do I live a joyous and productive life? Is Twitter still a thing? How many teams sign Carlos Correa before he actually plays a game?
Wednesday me: Don’t worry about any of that. What needs to be worried about right now is why you’re talking about the Broncos again. I thought you said we were done doing that, like, three times.
Present me: Well, me from Wednesday, I don’t want to spoil too much, but the Broncos have officially become a never-before-seen toxic inferno that blew up in spectacular fashion on Sunday. Writing about them feels necessary, unfortunately.
Wednesday me: How bad was it?
Present me: Patrick Star did a live play-by-play of Russell Wilson throwing an interception.
Wednesday me: Alright! That’s content! Carry on.
Just when it felt like things couldn’t get any worse, Russell Wilson and the Broncos hit rock bottom, or, in Sunday’s case, Bikini Bottom, as Denver’s dreadful Christmas loss against the Rams was broadcast on Nickelodeon with the famous pink starfish as a primary commentator.
If you told me two years ago that the four-win Rams and four-win Broncos would play on Christmas day with Baker Mayfield and Russell Wilson as the starting quarterbacks with Nickelodeon broadcasting the game and babies in the crowd getting virtually slimed as the LA defeated Denver 51-14, I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted. Perhaps the lack of reaction from my hypothetical self tells the whole story.
The loss was catastrophic in several ways. Wilson threw three interceptions and was benched for Brett Rypien, who threw a pick-six less than 180 seconds later to put the Rams over the half-century mark for the first time since their instant classic victory against the Chiefs back in 2018. At least Wilson finally got his number of touchdowns on the season equal to the number of bathrooms in his mansion.
The meltdown wasn’t just happening on the field. With the Broncos down big, frustrations boiled over once again on the Denver sideline. Almost a month after Mike Purcell screamed at Wilson during Denver’s 23-10 loss to Carolina, Dalton Risner took exception to Rypien reportedly telling him and the rest of the Broncos offensive line to pick up Wilson after a sack.
In a season where I’ve seen many things on NFL football fields that I’ve never seen before, never before have I seen players so visibly frustrated with the state of their team during games as the Broncos have this season. I didn’t even mention an open Courtland Sutton furiously calling for the ball, then Wilson underthrowing Greg Dulcich for an interception.
Finally, if there was any team to lose by 37 to, the Rams at this point in the season might be the most embarrassing choice other than the Texans or Cardinals. LA was not only without Matthew Stafford, Aaron Donald and Cooper Kupp, but they’d already been eliminated from playoff contention, so they had absolutely nothing to play for. The Broncos were the more talented team on paper – as they have been for numerous games this season – yet looked completely overmatched once again.
The Broncos can’t stop embarrassing themselves; they’ve entered a new pantheon of in-season implosions. Surely, it can’t get any worse, and surely, that statement will definitely hold up through these final two regular season games.*
*UPDATE: Nathaniel Hackett has been fired, becoming just the fifth coach in NFL history to be let go prior to the conclusion of their first season at the helm. That was about as predictable as the Cowboys falling short in the postseason. Did I just reverse jinx the Cowboys and accidentally manifest a Dallas Super Bowl run? Boy, that’d be quite something.
“Erin, H.R. is a joke. I can’t do anything about anything.” — Toby Flenderson
The Panthers gashing a hapless Lions run defense
While it might’ve been because the seventh night of Hanukkah was on Saturday, the Lions and Panthers had me thinking about Judaism, specifically Moses.
I’m far from a religious connoisseur, but I do know a little bit. I’m not sure where he ranks amongst other religions, but pertaining to Judaism, Moses is easily one of the five most important people in the religion’s history. He’s a prophet of God who delivered the Ten Commandments and is commonly credited with writing the Torah – both of which essentially tell Jews how to live their lives. Pretty impressive stuff!
One of his more famous accomplishments, however, was leading the Jews out of Egypt. In summary, King Pharaoh, who ruled Egypt, had enslaved Jewish people and treated them terribly. God saw this and demanded Pharaoh free the Israelites, and when Pharaoh refused, God sent ten “plagues” to befall upon Egypt. Not wanting to deal with swarms of locusts and bloody rivers any longer, Pharaoh finally let the Jews go.
Feeling annoyed by the loss of valuable slave labor, Pharaoh demanded his army retrieve the freed Jews. With a charging Egyptian army on one side and the vast Red Sea on the other, the Jews were trapped. That’s when Moses did the modern day equivalent of “hold my beer”; he raised his hand over the sea, and the sea parted in two different directions, creating a stretch of dry land for the Jews to pass through.
When watching D’Onta Foreman and Chuba Hubbard effortlessly slice and dice their way through Detroit’s defense, I couldn’t help but think of the miracle Moses pulled off all those years ago. The running lanes they had to run through were so…vast! It felt like someone raised their hand and separated Lion defenders through divine power.
It was a complete domination in the trenches on Saturday by the Panthers. Their 320 rushing yards were a franchise single-game record. Foreman and Hubbard combined for a ridiculous seven runs of 20+ yards. Hubbard, who finished the day with 125 yards on the ground, had an over/under of 34.5 rushing yards according to BetMGM; he surpassed that total in less than two minutes of game action.
As for Foreman, his 165 yards on the ground were his NFL career-high. I initially thought it might’ve been a career-high dating back to his college days at Texas, but then I remembered his 341-yard explosion against Texas Tech. That prompted me to also remember that the Red Raiders allowed almost 44 points per game that season and finished 5-7 despite scoring almost 44 points per game themselves. Isn’t the Big 12 awesome?!
The performance by Carolina was especially odd because it felt like Detroit had finally gotten their defense right as of late; they’d allowed less than 100 yards on the ground in four of their last five contests. Porous turf could be blamed, but on all of those big runs by Hubbard and Foreman, the Lions looked completely out of position. Take Hubbard’s first carry of the game as an example: the entire Detroit front seven goes left, but Hubbard goes right. It wasn’t like Foreman and Hubbard put on their dancing shoes or broke tackles Earl Campbell-style; they literally just ran in straight lines through unoccupied spaces where defenders should’ve been.
The Lions host the Bears next week, who gashed them for 258 rushing yards a little over a month ago. If Detroit wants to stay alive in the NFC Wild Card race – they’d be eliminated next week with a loss and a Washington victory over Cleveland – they’re going to need to bite off some kneecaps at the line of scrimmage.