For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
Quote: “It has been a really rough couple of days…this helps a little.” — Pam Beesly
Subject: A storybook afternoon in Orchard Park
Less than a week ago, the NFL stopped. For several hours, we weren’t sure if we witnessed a football player die on the field. Bills safety Damar Hamlin suffered a cardiac arrest mid-game, and a rare moment came about where football took a backseat during a football game.
There’s a cliche that athletes would give anything to play the game they love, including their lives; NFLers Morris Claiborne and Jamal Adams said on the record that they’d be content passing away on a football field. Seeing that sentiment come very close to actually happening was bone-chilling. The ensuing few days were rightfully filled with difficult discussions regarding player safety, the NFL’s handling of traumatic in-game incidents and even basic humanity.
Thankfully, just about everything since then has been positive. Hamlin’s condition rapidly improved after he was revived on the field, the Bills-Bengals game wasn’t made up, and football was played as scheduled on Sunday.
A couple of weeks ago, I briefly mentioned the probable existence of sports gods and goddesses, higher powers that influence sporting events in a way where it felt like something was supposed to happen. There are a few different ways in which they can influence a game: there are the curses, the games where bad things continuously happen to teams like the Cubs, Maple Leafs and Clippers. There’s the chaos, which creates games like the Vikings overcoming a 33-point deficit to defeat the Colts. Then, there’s the storybook events. It’s when Derek Jeter hits a walk-off in his final game at Yankee Stadium. It’s when Brett Favre plays a near-perfect game the day after his father tragically passed away. It’s when Denmark makes a miraculous run to the Euro 2020 semifinals after Christian Eriksen nearly died on the pitch.
Sunday’s game between the Patriots and Bills fell into the latter category. Thousands of people, including coaches and players, were either sporting “Love for Damar” t-shirts or signs showing support for Hamlin. Buffalo’s medical staff (who helped save Hamlin’s life last Monday night) was honored before the game. As Hamlin watched from his hospital bed in much-improved spirits – he was fully awake, could talk and seemed to have normal function of his limbs – Nick Folk booted the opening kickoff into the waiting arms of Nyheim Hines. According to reports from his medical staff, Hamlin jumped out of his hospital bed to celebrate the storybook play.
Prior to Sunday, Hines returned two kickoffs for touchdowns, both of which came while he was in college at NC State. How fitting would it have been if Hines housed his third career kickoff return after it had been almost exactly three years and three months since Buffalo’s last kick return touchdown? Well, we don’t need to think about any hypotheticals, because that (expletive) actually happened.
The valiant arms in the air from Hines. The emotional roar of the crowd. The happily flabbergasted calls from Jim Nantz and Tony Romo. I couldn’t believe it. Hamlin couldn’t believe it.
The miracles weren’t over. Only 10 players in NFL history returned two kickoffs for touchdowns in the same game, so of course, Hines became the 11th.
Finally, Josh Allen made a throw that was literally perfect. For a guy who has struggled with erraticism while throwing footballs due to possessing both a bionic arm as well as occasionally poor decision-making, Allen unleashed a rainbow bomb to Stefon Diggs for his third touchdown of the afternoon. Diggs not only kept his stride, he didn’t even have to extend his arms to bring in the touchdown. It’s almost like someone up above guided the ball right into Diggs’ breadbasket.
While the Bills didn’t play a perfect game, it was more than enough to take down the Patriots on an afternoon that felt scripted (in a positive way, of course). While last Monday night reminded us of we were reminded of the horrors football can bring about, Sunday reminded us of how sports can provide seemingly infinite amounts of joy, how sports can act as a drug that heals a hurting community. Damar Hamlin needed that. The Bills needed that. The NFL needed that. We all needed that, and we got it.
Quote: “I don’t know what the f**k that was.” — Michael Scott
Subject: Another joyously odd weekend of football
I’ll warn you all now: I’m not going to get to everything that happened this weekend in great detail. A lot of entertaining things happened over the weekend, which is great for you all who love this game dearly. Unfortunately for me, when more than, like, five entertaining things happen in one weekend, I likely don’t have the space to talk about all of them. To make up for it (kind of), I’ll briefly summarize a weekend that saw plenty of wonky happenings.
The Skylar Thompson-led Dolphins defeated the Joe Flacco-led Jets in a riveting 11-6 firework show that helped send Miami to the playoffs. The Cowboys’ offense looked completely inept in a 26-6 embarrassment at the hands of the already-eliminated Commanders. Amon-Ra St. Brown made a catch with his butt. Quay Walker got ejected for shoving a trainer (???). The Eagles looked far from a top seed in a 22-16 squeaker against the Giants, who were resting their starters since they already clinched the NFC’s sixth seed.
One of those backups, Kenny Golladay, made one of the best catches of the season after being rightfully benched for most of it. Perhaps that $72 million contract was worth it after all! (It still isn’t, but that doesn’t deduct awesomeness points from this catch.)
Despite being knowingly locked into the AFC’s fifth seed prior to the Chargers’ meaningless game against the Broncos (the key words there being PRIOR TO THE GAME; there was knowledge of this BEFOREHAND), Brandon Staley still played his starters, which led to Mike Williams and Joey Bosa leaving the game with injuries. That’s unbelievably poor coaching! Finally, the Seahawks kept their playoff hopes alive despite usually-reliable kicker Jason Myers doinking a potential game-winner off the uprights, and with an emotional 1st Swagg Kazekage (just watch the video) leading the Lions to a gutsy win over the Packers in Lambeau, Seattle is heading to the playoffs after many predicted a bottom-five finish prior to the season.
Quote: “You’re not our most traditional guy, but something you are doing is right.” — David Wallace
Subject: The coolest trick play in NFL history that didn’t even count
Since Patrick Mahomes became a full-time starter in 2018, the Chiefs have been the best offense in the NFL. They’ve led the league in yards as well as points per game over the past five seasons, and along with being ridiculously good, Kansas City’s offense entertains like no other.
Andy Reid calls funny plays, like, all the time. A Travis Kelce-Tyreek Hill read option worked to perfection in 2019. A synchronized spin direct snap to Darrell Williams that was inspired by the 1948 Rose Bowl led to a crucial fourth down conversion in the Super Bowl. Last season, Mahomes and Kelce connected for a touchdown on the fastest tight end screen of all-time. This past October, tight end Noah Gray found the endzone on a QB sneak. In general, Mahomes plays quarterback in a manner that has produced some of the most jaw-dropping acts of football wizardry of the past half-decade.
Nothing, however, could’ve prepared me for what the Chiefs pulled off in the middle of their 31-13 blowout of the Raiders. There’ve been some crazy occurrences at Allegiant Stadium lately – the dumbest walk-off touchdown in NFL history was scored, and Jarrett Stidham almost took down the 49ers. Now, we have a play that makes a 77-yard double pass touchdown from David Blough to A.J. Green look anything but out of the ordinary.
The spinning huddle. The unorthodox formation. The seamless execution of a wildly complicated play. It’s gorgeous! This weekend saw the Titans, Jaguars and Giants all try to get tricky and fail in miserable fashion, and in a league where trick plays fail more often than not, the Chiefs continued to show the rest of the league how to be good at football while also being cool.
This play begs a lot of questions. How does Kansas City’s coaching staff think of these plays? Does Reid have really eccentric dreams? Are they just like “Screw it, we have Patrick Mahomes, we can do whatever our hearts desire”? How did the players react when this play was first brought up? Did they laugh? Were they confused? Whatever the answers to those questions are, the play worked. I don’t particularly care that it got called back for holding because it was amazing, and other NFL teams should be very jealous.
Quote: “I was so looking forward to that, and it did not go as I thought it would.” — Andy Bernard
Subject: The Texans losing the first overall pick by winning on accident
In team sports, over 99% of wins are great for the team that won. That’s what you’re supposed to do, after all; you play to win the game! When a team wins a game, everyone’s usually like “Yay! That win was beneficial for our franchise!”
However, there’s really only one instance where winning is bad in the long-term, and that’s when a team is fighting for draft positioning late in a season. Since the NFL doesn’t have a draft lottery – the order is based on the previous season’s standings – there’s almost no shot that a semi-decent team gets a top-three pick like some NBA and NHL teams have in the past. If an NFL team has one of the three worst records in the league, they’re pretty much guaranteed a top-three pick (as long as they possess it).
This is where late-season wins can feel like losses. For example, in 2019, the 4-10 Giants defeated 3-11 Washington in overtime, which helped give Washington the second pick in the 2020 draft (which became Chase Young) and pushed New York back to the fourth pick (which became Andrew Thomas, so it ended up working out). In 2020, however, the Jets weren’t as lucky; they miraculously won two of their final three regular season games (against playoff teams, nonetheless) after starting 0-13. This pushed them back to the second pick in the 2021 draft, so they got Zach Wilson instead of Trevor Lawrence. Oops!
In order to secure the coveted top pick in the upcoming NFL Draft, all the Texans needed to do on Sunday was lose, which they’ve been pretty good at doing over the past few seasons. Since 2020, Houston has won the fewest games of any NFL team. The only thing preventing the Texans from choosing whoever prospect they wanted come April was something they’d done just ten times in almost three full seasons: win.
Facing a fourth-and-12 late in the fourth quarter, the Texans needed a conversion, or else the game was over. Heading into Sunday, NFL teams were 10/58 (17.2%) on fourth-and-12 this season, so the odds were definitely not in Houston’s favor.
Odds. Ha ha ha. What an irrelevant topic on a day like Sunday.
Later in the drive, the Texans faced a fourth-and-20. While converting fourth-and-12’s are rare, fourth-and-20’s are nearly insurmountable; no team converted one this season. Houston needed a miracle; unfortunately (or fortunately? I don’t know), miracles tend to happen when the Colts are the opposition. Davis Mills’ prayer to the endzone was caught by tight end Jordan Akins for an improbable touchdown.
As if that weren’t enough, Lovie Smith decided to go for two and the win. They got it. The Texans won.
It was a really weird game. The teams combined for six fumbles, one of which was forced by Cameron McGrone on Dallis Flowers, which is weird because they’re literally on the same team. Mills and Sam Ehlinger combined for four interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns. Akins, who had just three career touchdown receptions since he entered the league in 2018, caught two on Sunday. Deon Jackson (Indy’s third-string running back) and Teagan Quitoriano (Houston’s third-string rookie tight end) both registered over 75 receiving yards. Zack Moss registered his first 100-yard rushing game since his final season at Utah in 2019.
However, the main story here is that the Texans gifted the number one overall pick to the Bears, who finished the season on an 11-game losing streak, including their finale against the Vikings. Now, instead of being guaranteed their top overall prospect (which, as of now, appears to be Bryce Young), the Bears have that selection and can either trade it for valuable assets or take their top-rated prospect. Oh, and Chicago also has almost $120 million in cap space next offseason. Now that’s a treasure chest!
If I were a Texans fan, I’d be upset. The tank that had been seemingly unfolding all season didn’t even yield the desired result. It’s the first time that I can remember a team winning its way out of the first overall pick in the last game of the season, and as a non-Texans fan, I find it pretty funny!
But here’s the funny thing about tanking. The people that wouldn’t be too upset if they lost would likely include fans and ownership. The only people that wouldn’t feel that way are the players and coaches themselves. It’s probably why Texans ownership fired Lovie Smith right after the game for winning their way out of the top pick. Accidental competence is not allowed here!
The only problem is that the players and coaches are the only ones who can decide the outcome of a game on the field, and they definitely aren’t going to tank. While backups and not-very-good players give a team a lesser shot of winning than starters and good players, the former group is going to try! They’re going to try very hard! They likely don’t have the financial cushions that starters do, nor do they have the bevy of opportunities to succeed at a professional level that starters do. When your future isn’t guaranteed, you’re going to work extremely hard. That’s how humans operate.
Take Mills, for example. His future is far from guaranteed; in fact, even though Young might be out of the equation for Houston, the Texans are likely going to draft his replacement in April. If you knew you were likely going to be replaced in a few months, you’d probably care! A lot! You’d put your head down and try your very hardest to succeed, which is what Mills has been doing since he entered the league last season.
Another perfect example can be seen with the Giants. They played all of their backups against the Eagles on Sunday, who were playing all of their starters. The Giants had no incentive to win that game other than to beat their rivals – they secured the NFC’s sixth seed prior to Week 18. But New York’s backups tried! They gave a damn! I don’t know if we’re ever going to see Davis Webb start a meaningful NFL game, and neither did he, so of course he bulldozed over a defensive back instead of just sliding like a traditional quarterback would. Because the Giants went 100% the entire game, they only lost to the NFC’s top seed by six.
To all Texans fans, I would not want to feel the way you’re probably feeling right now. You had Bryce Young in your sights. The social media edits had already been made. Now, that fantasy may not become reality, all because Lovie Smith & Co. didn’t feel like laying down. C.J. Stroud is pretty good too, you know.
Quote: “A painting can be beautiful, but I don’t want to bang a painting.” — Kevin Malone
Subject: The weird and mediocre AFC South being a weird and mediocre mess
This NFL season has largely been defined by weird stuff happening, and, in a sense, it’s beautiful to watch, but not in an aesthetically pleasing manner. The NFC South has been a perfect embodiment of beautifully weird stuff happening, and on Sunday, it ended in a kooky crescendo.
To close the 2022 campaign, the Buccaneers played the Falcons, and the Panthers played the Saints. In New Orleans, the following things happened:
Inhale.
The winning quarterback, Sam Darnold, completed 5/15 passes for 43 yards and two interceptions. This performance was almost worse than when he saw ghosts against the Patriots in 2019.
Carolina’s lone touchdown was scored by…Michael Jordan. I think the G.O.A.T. debate has been officially settled.
Josh Norman led the Panthers in tackles. The year is, in fact, 2023.
Wil Lutz went 0/2 on field goals for just the third time in his career, with the most recent time being against…the Panthers…earlier this season.
Eddy Pineiro, who missed two game-winning kicks against the Falcons earlier this season, won Sunday’s game on a buzzer-beating walk-off field goal.
Heading into Sunday, teams were 9-47-1 when scoring 10 points in a game. The Panthers made it 10-47-1.
Exhale.
In Atlanta, the Falcons defeated the Buccaneers 30-17. Sure, Tampa Bay played its backups for most of the game, but the loss meant that the Bucs became just the fourth team in modern NFL history to win their division with a losing record, joining the 2010 Seahawks, 2014 Panthers and the 2020 Washington Football Team in that exclusive, semi-undesired club.
It wasn’t just the Bucs that made weird history, though. With the Panthers, Saints and Falcons all finishing 7-10, it was just the fourth instance since the NFL expanded to 32 teams in 2002 where three teams in the same division finished with identical records. The last division to do it, funny enough, was the 2012 NFC South, which saw three teams finish with…seven wins! Perhaps time is in fact just a flat circle.
Does the AFC South represent the 2022 NFL season? Let’s see. Its teams play a lot of bad football, and many plays and sequences have been dumbfounding yet consequential.
If DJ Moore doesn’t illegally rip his helmet off in celebration against the Falcons, maybe it’s the Panthers that are hosting a playoff game. If Tom Brady doesn’t exorcize the Saints demons in a miraculous fourth quarter comeback, the Cowboys might’ve been traveling to New Orleans for their playoff opener. If one of, like, nine things that didn’t go Atlanta’s way went their way, the Falcons could’ve easily won their first division title since 2016. If Buccaneers didn’t find ways to improbably defeat Marcus Mariota, Andy Dalton, Sam Darnold and Trace freaking McSorely, Tampa Bay might’ve had an even worse record than 8-9. So yes, I’d say the 2022 NFC South was an accurate embodiment of the 2022 NFL season.
Exhale once again.
I’ll see you all in the playoffs.