For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
“I am going through a 12 step program. I am currently on step zero, which is have a s*** load of fun” — Todd Packer
Kyle Shanahan’s destruction of the Seahawks defense
During San Francisco’s 41-23 romp over Seattle in what was actually a very close game up until the fourth quarter, one play really stuck out: Deebo Samuel’s 74-yard touchdown that put the Niners up by 21 early in the fourth quarter.
Right now, you’re likely either sitting or standing somewhere, reading this column, and the following thought might’ve sprouted in your cranium:
Yeah, of course a 74-yard touchdown in a playoff game is pretty effing noteworthy! Real astute observation! Did you also think that Kris Jenkins’ national-championship winning buzzer-beater was of some importance?! Sick take, Captain Obvious.
While that thought likely wasn’t verbatim, it was probably something close to it. In response, I kindly ask you to calm down and stick with me. While your hypothetical feelings are understandable, there’s a reason I started this section the way I did. I’m going to sound like your high school English teacher when I say this, but there’s a deeper meaning behind this play.
The 49ers have an embarrassment of riches on offense. Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, George Kittle and Brandon Aiyuk make up arguably the best skill position quartet in the league. Combine that with a great offensive line, a decent quarterback (more on this in a bit) and a head coach who consistently puts players in fantastic positions to succeed, San Francisco sports arguably the scariest and most versatile offense in the NFL.
There’s a saying where, when someone is completing a task with great success and confidence, they’re “in their bag”. It’s like the updated version of being “in the zone”. When Kyrie Irving teleports through an entire defense with otherworldly ball-handling skills, he’s in his bag. When a rapper pulls off a nasty freestyle, they’re in their bag. When, instead of making a regular corned beef and cheddar sandwich, I put the cheddar and corned beef on challah bread, toast it, then insert potato chips between the slices of corned beef, I’m in my bag. Arby’s can kick rocks.
On Saturday, Kyle Shanahan was in his bag, with his most show-stopping act of play calling wizardry coming on the aforementioned Samuel touchdown. Watch it again, but this time, with a more immersive angle.
Shanahan has previously called plays where he pranks the opposing team’s linebackers like it’s April Fool’s Day, and he did the same on this play. First, fullback Kyle Juszcyzk motions to the right. Then, when Brock Purdy takes the snap, he motions like he’s going to toss the ball to McCaffrey, who’s running to the right along with the entirety of San Francisco’s offensive line. All signs point to this being a halfback toss to an All-Pro running back behind a great offensive line, something a defense should be worried about and devote many people to stopping.
The only problem is that it isn’t a halfback toss, and when Seattle’s defense realizes that, Deebo Samuel is already streaking across a wide open left side of the field for a huge gain. Combine that with a textbook block from Aiyuk as well as Samuel’s blazing speed, you’ve got yourself a touchdown. Isn’t this fun?! The deeper meaning behind this play is that San Francisco can do so many things on offense because they have the resources to do so. That’s incredibly terrifying!
We also must talk about Purdy, who’s 333-yard, four total touchdown, turnover-free performance was the best the NFL has ever seen from a rookie in their playoff debut. While there isn’t anything conventionally awesome about Purdy – he doesn’t have a rocket arm, incredible mobility or robotic processing – there is one thing about him that allows San Francisco’s offense to work: he’s just a pretty normal guy!
In today’s society, we’re so accustomed to thinking that going above and beyond is required in order to achieve great success. While that’s absolutely true, that mindset affects the way we think about teams and NFL quarterbacks. Our current thinking pattern suggests that, in order to win the Super Bowl, a team’s quarterback has to be exceptional, one of the league’s best.
While history suggests that thought to be true, there’s another line of thinking we have to consider: if the support system around a quarterback is exceptional enough, all that quarterback has to be is decent in order for that team to succeed at a high level. A few weeks ago, after Mike White’s spectacular performance against the Bears, Jets head coach Robert Saleh said that one of the great things about White was that he “made the easy look easy”, something that Zach Wilson wasn’t doing. As long as White got the ball to open receivers, the Jets offense would move the ball efficiently, which is exactly what happened.
While the Jets obviously don’t have the same caliber team the Niners have, the same idea applies to Purdy. With the plethora of elite playmaking, blocking and coaching around him, all Purdy needs to do is get the ball to open receivers and let them do the work. While a chunk of today’s superstar signal-callers are known for making something out of nothing, Purdy just needs to make something out of something in order for San Francisco’s offense to succeed. In fact, listen to Purdy say this exact thing in a press conference last week.
Although it doesn’t happen often, we’ve seen this blueprint work out before. The 2015 Denver Broncos had a spectacular all-around team to uplift a noodle-armed Peyton Manning en route to a Super Bowl title. The 2017 Philadelphia Eagles had a great all-around team surrounding Nick Foles, who was decent, but was no Tom Brady (although he literally defeated Brady in the Super Bowl). While the 2022 49ers might have a much better team than those Broncos and Eagles teams had, my point is this: the Niners can make a Super Bowl run as long as Purdy keeps being just a pretty normal guy.
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.” — Michael Scott
The Los Angeles Chargers, the most un-understandable franchise in the NFL
The Chargers have been exceptional at screwing up in dumbfounding fashion for a long time. In 2010, they missed the playoffs despite having both the league’s best offense and best defense simply because of countless special teams mishaps. In 2020, a team doctor punctured Tyrod Taylor’s lung while trying to treat a rib injury. Last season, an ill-advised timeout from Brandon Staley led to the Chargers being knocked out of the playoffs despite a herculean performance from Justin Herbert.
However, those demons appeared to be a thing of the past during the first half of their Wild Card matchup against the Jaguars, which saw the Bolts take a commanding 27-0 lead late in the second quarter. Jacksonville’s offense looked dismayed in large part due to Trevor Lawrence throwing (2010 LeBron James voice) not one, not two, not three, but four first-half interceptions. The last three were all picked off by Asante Samuel Jr., who seemed to be atoning for his dad’s egregious drop in Super Bowl XLII that would’ve sealed just the second undefeated season in NFL history. Gotta love a jab at the 2007 Patriots!
It was a nightmare start for the Jaguars, especially for Lawrence. It was on track to be the worst game of his career, a career that had seen a whole lot of success and very few poor performances. He went 53-3 in high school and 38-2 in college. From November 11, 2016 (middle of his junior year of high school) to January 7, 2019 (end of his freshman year at Clemson), Lawrence threw just five total interceptions. Even with a rough rookie season under Urban Meyer and a few subpar performances this season, the golden boy had never played this poorly. Sure, the first couple of interceptions weren’t totally his fault, but still, four in one half is an emotional deathblow for most quarterbacks. For the opposing team, tallying four interceptions in one half and leading by 27 usually leads to a victory.
However, Trevor Lawrence isn’t like most quarterbacks, and the Chargers aren’t like most teams. Something felt…inevitable. It was when Cameron Dicker hooked a 40-yard field goal early in the fourth quarter that would’ve put LA up by 13. Dicker was 24/25 on the season leading up to that kick and hadn’t missed a field goal from 40 yards or closer since December 2020, when he was a junior at Texas. Kicking conditions weren’t bad at all; while it was pretty cold in Jacksonville on Saturday night, it wasn’t terribly windy. Dicker should’ve made this kick. However, as the ball hooked to the left as if a ghost blew on it, we all forgot one thing:
It was always the Jags.
Like many colossal comebacks, the Jaguars erasure of a massive deficit was a gradual, yet terrifying shift in momentum. After the Jaguars finally cashed in to cut LA’s lead to 20 before the end of the first half, Jacksonville’s ensuing drives totaled 89, 68, 70 and 61 yards en route to 24 points and an improbable comeback victory. The Chargers, on the other hand, never returned to Jacksonville’s redzone after making five visits in the first half, mustering up only a field goal in the final 30 minutes.
The Jaguars were firing on all cylinders. Lawrence looked like he’d taken a sip of Michael’s Secret Stuff at halftime, throwing for over 200 yards and three touchdowns with no turnovers in the final two quarters. Christian Kirk, Evan Engram and Zay Jones — the three amigos who made up a large portion of Jacksonville’s widely-lamented free agent spending spree last offseason — each had huge receiving games. Defensively, Roy Robertson-Harris and Josh Allen were everywhere.
Doug Pederson, like Shanahan, was also very much in his bag, and it showed late in the game. Facing a game-deciding fourth-and-one, Jacksonville lined up in a T-formation, a throwback offensive alignment that disappeared with the advent of more aerial offenses. This time, Pederson put a modern spin on the old-school formation, with Travis Etienne being the star of the show. Think of Kendrick Lamar making a Swing Jazz song; the play worked to perfection.
Mentally and strategically, the Chargers had a complete meltdown. LA couldn’t get anything going on the ground after halftime, registering just 20 rushing yards in the final 30 minutes (not including sacks). Austin Ekeler had just five carries for zero yards, and 13 of the 20 total rushing yards came on a Herbert scramble. This is a coaching failure. Taking as much time off the clock is paramount to maintaining a big lead, and running the ball is the best way to do that. For some reason, Chargers offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi incessantly called passing plays that stopped the clock a lot of the time. GAH!
On Dicker’s missed field goal, the Chargers faced a fourth-and-three at Jacksonville’s 22-yard line. This was Staley’s time to shine. The king of aggressiveness had a golden opportunity to remain atop his throne. Instead, he played it safe. The choice to kick it wasn’t the problem, it’s just that Staley’s whole thing was going for it all the time, only for him to not go for it when he should’ve gone for it in the most important game of the season. It’s as if the Kool-Aid man politely entered a building through the front door without causing any serious structural damage.
Finally, after Jacksonville scored to make it 30-26, Joey Bosa slammed his helmet in understandable frustration; since that’s illegal, the ball was moved up to the one-yard line, to which Doug Pederson said “hey Brandon, check this out” and went for two. They got it, which ultimately helped the Jags move on to the Divisional Round.
For the Jaguars, this win is a monumental step in their revival from last season’s nightmare. For the Chargers, this has been the story of their franchise for a decade and a half. No matter how good their quarterback is, no matter how large their lead is, no matter how inconceivable a loss might seem, the Chargers find a way to blow it all too often.
“Oh my god, my mind is going a mile an hour.” — Michael Scott
The Dolphins suffering from PCMD (Poor Clock Management Disease)
Clocks. Clocks are very necessary for the general function and advancement of society. It’s an awesome Coldplay song. Clocks also seem to befuddle NFL head coaches like they’re impossible math equations (see: Nathaniel Hackett), and Mike McDaniel was the latest victim of a clock in an unfortunately big moment on Saturday.
The Dolphins had scratched and clawed their way to a winning opportunity against the Bills. Despite a lot of Skylar Thompson’s pass attempts hitting the ground, he played far better than what many expected. Despite giving up a ton of chunk plays, Miami’s defense forced three Josh Allen turnovers, including a scoop-and-score by defensive lineman Zach Sieler. Despite being almost two-touchdown underdogs heading into Sunday, and despite trailing 17-0 at the end of the first quarter, the Dolphins had a chance to win the game late in the fourth quarter.
However…the clock. It was a real issue for the Dolphins on Sunday. Heading into the final drive, Miami had burned all three of their timeouts to prevent delay of game penalties. Actually, forget Sunday — time has been an issue all season. The Dolphins had been called for a delay of game six times this season, the third most in the NFL.
Facing a fourth-and-two with no timeouts, the Dolphins needed a first down, or the game was likely over. When Salvon Ahmed got tackled short of the line of scrimmage, the 40-second play clock began to countdown. Then, with 14 seconds left on the play clock (McDaniel still hadn’t called a play yet), the clock is reset to 25 seconds and begins counting down again. After some brief calculations, I figured out that the Dolphins had 51 seconds to call and play and snap it, which is a really long time. It didn’t matter. After making frantic substitutions with under 15 seconds left on the play clock, the Dolphins got called for a delay of game, and on the ensuing fourth-and-six, failed to pick up a first down.
Pause for a moment. What are some things you think you could do in 51 seconds? Well, not that most of you could pull this off or anything, but the world record for the 400-meter dash is held by South Africa’s Wayde van Niekirk, who did it in 43.03 seconds during the 2016 Summer Olympics. For the Americans reading this column, 400 meters is approximately 437 yards, so Van Niekirk covered almost four and a half football fields in eight fewer seconds than McDaniel and the Dolphins took to call and get off a play. The process of calling and getting a play off is far easier said than done, but McDaniel’s job is to do exactly that, and he didn’t do it.
For the Bills, this was an uneasy win. Josh Allen made three big-time oopsies; while one of them wasn’t totally his fault, he completely overthrew John Brown on a moonball and had the pigskin ripped out of his hands en route to a Dolphins touchdown. The thing that’s worrying about Allen is that, for as gifted of a quarterback he is, he struggles taking easy throws. He’d much rather take a home run swing than an easy base hit, which can make for awesome big gains like the one he had to Stefon Diggs, but it is not a sustainable way of quarterbacking. For example, on the Howard interception, Allen had two open receivers right in front of him that would’ve gotten at least five yards had Allen looked their way.
For the Dolphins, this is an infuriating loss. It would be one thing if Buffalo had totally outplayed them, but they didn’t. It was mental mistakes that ultimately sunk Miami, which is incredibly frustrating. The question of “what if” will follow the Dolphins all offseason. What if Tua Tagovailoa hadn’t suffered three concussions in a single season? What if Ahmed had picked up that first down? What if McDaniel didn’t get confused in the most important moment of the season? While the Dolphins are likely going to be back in the playoffs next year, this game was undoubtedly a tough pill to swallow.
“PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” — Dwight Schrute
The (almost) fully healthy Giants taking down the (finally) luck-less Vikings
The 2022 Minnesota Vikings were the peacocks of the football world. On the surface, everything looked great. Minnesota won 13 games for just the second time in the 21st century. Kirk Cousins was a top-five quarterback in completions, passing yards and passing touchdowns. Justin Jefferson led the league in receptions, receiving yards and overall swag. Patrick Peterson and Harrison Smith each had five interceptions.
Beneath the surface, however, things were far from ideal. 11 of their 14 wins were by one-possession, which has never happened before. When they lost, they lost by a lot; their four losses tallied a ridiculous -89 point differential. Their defense was old and bad. Cousins consistently struggled under pressure, something that the Giants specialized in creating on defense. This was not a 13-win team, and it showed in their Wild Card defeat against New York.
As a Giants fan, I was initially in the “I’m just happy to be here” camp when the Giants clinched a postseason berth in Week 17. However, as the first few drives of Sunday’s game unfolded, my mindset quickly shifted into “I will be upset if the Giants don’t win this game handily” mode.
Everything was so…easy. There were more holes in Minnesota’s defense than a golf course. The Giants were getting whatever they wanted both in the air and on the ground. They gained 156 yards on their first nine plays from scrimmage, which was almost half of their season average over the course of an entire game. Here’s Saquon Barkley slashing and dashing through a flawlessly-created running lane for his first career playoff touchdown.
Despite a couple of stalled drives, New York’s offense looked the most potent it had all season. Daniel Jones was firing on all cylinders for the entirety of the game. Isaiah Hodgins had the best receiving game of his career and blocked exceptionally well on the outside. Despite a soul-crushing drop late in the game, Darus Slayton played extremely well. Heck, even Kenny Golladay threw a gnarly block.
Defensively, the Giants struggled a bit, but with a fully healthy unit for the first time in what seemed like forever, they stepped up when it mattered most. Dexter Lawrence rented a small condo in Minnesota’s backfield. Darnay Holmes and Cor’Dale Flott made a few humongous plays on the ball. They held Justin Jefferson to a single catch after halftime by smartly putting two defensive backs around him almost every play.
Speaking of smart defensive strategy, Wink Martindale heavily dialed back on the blitzing after it burned the Giants a few too many times early on. While this was a diversion from his identity similar to Staley’s, it actually worked. Needing a fourth down stop to seal a victory, Martindale dropped his players into coverage. It worked.
It felt a little bit like when Texas A&M flubbed a potential game-winning opportunity to beat Alabama back in October on the final play of the game. That’s your best play call? With the game on the line? Cousins has taken a lot of understandable heat for the play, but he was at a severe disadvantage. Lawrence collapsed the pocket in the blink of an eye, and every receiver in purple was covered. Cousins never had a shot.
The Giants travel to Philadelphia next week, an environment that’s likely to be as hostile as ever. However, the Giants have one trait that the legendary Big Blue playoff squads possessed: poise. They don’t seem to get rattled. They truly believe they can beat anyone. While they’re going to be the underdogs once again against the Eagles, they’ve been underdogs for most of the season. With the kind of environment that’s been built within the team, anything seems to be possible.
“I was so looking forward to that, and it did not go as I thought it would.” — Andy Bernard
Tyler Huntley’s game-changing Superman dive
Athletes have a checkered history of jumping over other athletes. Sometimes, it works. The NBA has seen a bunch of players jump over other players for show-stopping dunks, both in games and in the Dunk Contest. Football has seen plenty of ball-carriers hurdle over defenders, including when Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson landed a front flip over Cardinals linebacker Daryl Washington for a touchdown in 2011. It’s only happened a few times in baseball; a runner trying to score would leap over the catcher to avoid a tag instead of sliding. Chris Coghlan, Matt Carpenter, Jason Kendall and Deion Sanders (twice) are the only ones to have ever pulled this off (in recorded history, at least. I have no idea if someone in, like, 1897 did a backflip over a catcher. That is very much possible.).
However, there are plenty of instances in sports where taking flight doesn’t work. A lot of those poster attempts in basketball have failed. Hurdling over a defender in football can cause the ball-carrier to either get body-slammed or flipped over. When trying to clear the catcher, White Sox outfielder Adam Eaton got nailed on the leg, and Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen got tagged on the butt.
In football, the “Superman” dive, one of the ways an athlete can leap over other athletes, has become more commonplace over time in football. It’s when a quarterback or running back takes a goal-line snap and leaps over the entire line of scrimmage. There are plenty of times where it’s worked. On Saturday, Trevor Lawrence converted the all-important two-point conversion with a leap over the lineman.
However, the likelihood of a ball-carrier getting stonewalled is still fairly high, and when it doesn’t work, it can be ugly. In 2015, Tennessee quarterback Jarrett Guarantano jumped approximately two inches in the air and fumbled the ball, which was returned 100 yards for a touchdown by Alabama cornerback and current Dallas Cowboy Trevon Diggs. Last September, Arkansas quarterback KJ Jefferson tried a Superman dive of his own against Texas A&M, only to fumble it and have it returned 99 yards for a touchdown in a game that saw the Razorbacks lose by just two.
The Ravens and Bengals pulled off almost the exact same play. With the game tied at 17 and the ball at the one-yard line, Huntley took the snap and took flight. Not only was he stonewalled, Bengals linebacker Logan Wilson knocked the ball out of his hands and into the waiting arms of Bengals defensive end Sam Hubbard, who took the loose pigskin 98 yards for the longest defensive postseason touchdown since James Harrison’s 100-yard pick-six in Super Bowl XLIII.
A couple of things here. One, everyone else on the Ravens offense appeared ready for a quarterback sneak instead of a Superman dive, as Patrick Ricard and Mark Andrews were pushing Huntley from behind like Huntley was going to move straight instead of up. Bad miscommunication!
Secondly, defenses seem far more prepared for airborne ball-carriers at the goal line than ever before, as evidenced by Wilson denying Huntley with the anticipation of a world-class shot-blocker in basketball. Since the NFL is a copycat league — when a team starts doing something that works, other teams catch on and try it themselves — defenses become more prepared, too. Want to know why you haven’t seen too many Philly Specials work since the Eagles first did it in the Super Bowl? Because so many other teams tried to do it themselves, and eventually, defenses caught on. I have a feeling the Superman dive might’ve been permanently snuffed out, too. This especially stunk because Huntley had played a pretty good game! The Ravens defense played their butts off! Baltimore was in a prime position to take a fourth quarter lead, only for the game to turn completely upside down. It was a 14-point swing, which, in a close game like they played, is pretty difficult to come back from. While we’d like to think it sometimes, not all of us are Superman. Nobody is. Sorry, Dwight Howard.
“My head is in such pain and turmoil!” — Michael Scott
Tampa Bay’s excruciating flameout against the clearly superior Cowboys
Since 2003, when “Tom Brady” and “dominate” have been mentioned in the same sentence, they go together. Brady and his Patriots/Buccaneers teams have usually been the ones establishing themselves as the superior football team, especially in the playoffs. 35 of Brady’s 47 postseason contests were won by Brady’s team, and most of those 12 losses were close. Even when his team lost big, such as New England’s 19-point defeat against Baltimore in the 2010 AFC Wild Card, Joe Flacco went 4/10 for 34 yards and an interception. Brady was never completely outplayed by the opposing team’s quarterback, let alone in a postseason blowout loss…until Monday night.
After having the worst statistical game of his career in Week 18 against Washington, Dak Prescott might’ve had the best game of his career against the Bucs. After his first three passes fell incomplete, Prescott completed 25 of his final 30 passes for 305 yards, four touchdowns and no turnovers. Add 24 rushing yards and a rushing touchdown, and you have the best statistical performance by a Cowboys quarterback in playoff history. Below was my favorite play of his on Monday night. This is an Oscar-worthy performance on a play-action keeper.
Brady, on the other hand, was…not as potent. Sure, he completed 35 passes for 351 yards and two touchdowns, but that was because he threw a career-high 66 times. Him and his receivers weren’t on the same page for most of the night. He threw an uncharacteristically bone-headed interception in the end zone. Tampa Bay didn’t score until the final play of the third quarter. Oftentimes, it felt like there were 15 Dallas defenders on the field, which is both a testament to an excellent defensive performance from the Cowboys as well as another outing filled with ineptitude from the Buccaneers offense.
We all should’ve seen this coming. Watching Tampa Bay’s offense this season was like watching NBA Dunk Contest participants miss the same dunks over and over again. After a contestant misses the same dunk for the fourth time in a row, I painfully think to myself “maybe you should try something different?” I asked the same questions regarding Tampa Bay’s offense, except they both refused to try other things and stunk at them. Their league-worst rushing attack didn’t help Tampa Bay at all, which is a part of why Brady threw the ball almost 70 times.
When breaking down matchups, the sports media (myself included) has a tendency to get complicated. We unearth loads of fancy stats, lengthy history lessons and past predictions in order to figure out who between two teams is going to win. One of those fancy stats was that the Cowboys really struggled on natural grass in 2022, especially since Tampa Bay’s homefield was made up of natural grass.
While some people made a big whoop about how four of Dallas’ five losses this season came on fields that were made up of Bermuda grass, they forgot something: sometimes, it’s better and way easier to see who’s been playing better than the other team for the entirety of that season, and that answer was obviously the Cowboys. They won 13 games, with five of them coming against playoff teams. Their five losses were against Tampa Bay (technically a playoff team), at Philadelphia (NFC’s top seed), at Green Bay (almost a playoff team), at Jacksonville in overtime (playoff team) and at Washington (I actually don’t know how that happened, but still). The Buccaneers, meanwhile, finished 8-9, sported a sputtering offense and could’ve easily lost a few more games if not for Tom Brady’s heroics. Regarding Brady’s future, I have no idea what he’s going to do with his life. If he’s a New York Jet this coming September, I wouldn’t be surprised. If he’s a broadcaster for FOX next season, I also wouldn’t be surprised. If he flees to Ireland and becomes the country’s prime minister, I…well, I’d be pretty surprised if that happened, especially because their PM just got re-elected. What I do know, however, is that the Cowboys are a pretty darn good football team (even though their kicker literally missed an NFL record four extra points in a single game), and the Buccaneers have a long, uncertain offseason ahead of them.