For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
“Wow, I feel really good right now.” — Pam Beesly
Harrison Butker gaining lifetime immunity with a Super Bowl-winning kick
On Sunday night, Harrison Butker saved his life. Bold statement? Certainly. An odd way to kick off this column? Indeed. Accurate? You bet.
While most people looked at his 27-yard title-winning kick as a chance to win the Super Bowl right then and there, a different perspective emerged in my brain as Butker prepared himself for (likely) the biggest moment of his life: what if he missed?
The situation reminded me of the 2010 BCS National Championship between Auburn and Oregon. Auburn kicker Wes Byrum hit a 19-yard walk-off field goal to clinch a title for the Tigers. But what if he missed the chip shot, and Oregon went on to win in overtime? Not only would a dream undefeated season have gone down the drain, Auburn’s title drought would’ve extended to 53 years, and Byrum’s life might’ve been ruined.
There have been a few kickers who have actually had their reputations tainted because of a missed kick. Scott Norwood’s missed kick from 47 yards that would’ve given the Bills their first ever Super Bowl title. Cody Parkey’s infamous double-doink that would’ve sent the Bears to the Divisional Round in 2019. Andy Pappanastos’ terribly shanked 36-yarder that would’ve won the College Football Playoff for Alabama back in 2018. If you mention those three names to their respective fanbases, they’ll probably think of their missed kicks before anything else about them.
Butker was in a very similar situation, but he would’ve joined a different club than the four aforementioned kickers. None of the previous four kickers were all that great over the course of their careers; Butker was. A miss, especially from inside of 30 yards with the ball lined up right between the goalposts, would’ve put Butker in the infamous category of “really good athletes who had one career-defining mistake that haunted them forever” had the Eagles gone on to win.
There’s one kicker that falls into this category, and that’s John Carney, whose missed extra point against the Jaguars in Week 16 of the 2003 season not only spoiled the miraculous “River City Relay”, but played a part in eliminating the Saints from playoff contention.
If you surveyed 100 football fans Family Feud-style and asked what they first thought of upon hearing the name, “John Carney”, a chunk of them likely would’ve referenced the missed extra point. It’s a moment that unfortunately tainted what was a wonderful career. Carney played 22 professional seasons and established himself as one of the most reliable kickers in football from the mid-90’s to the late-2000’s. Prior to the miss against Jacksonville, Carney had converted 130 consecutive extra points, then made another 86 straight after the career-defining mistake.
The opportunity for Butker to join Carney was right in front of him. Although he’d registered his worst kicking season of his career in 2022, Butker was still one of just four kickers in NFL history to sport a career kicking percentage over 88% (min. 100 field goal attempts). Butker has converted several game-winning field goals, including a 45-yarder to beat the Bengals in the AFC Championship two weeks ago as well as a 49-yarder to send last year’s instant classic Divisional Round game against the Bills to overtime.
However, that all could’ve been washed aside with a misfire. After all, Butker had already doinked a 42-yarder earlier in the game. Despite the immense pressure, Butker drilled the kick, and the Chiefs won the Super Bowl. Out of the hundreds of millions of breaths Butker has taken throughout his life, this exhale might’ve been the most relieving.
Now, regarding how Butker got that opportunity in the first place…
“My head is in such pain and turmoil!” — Michael Scott
James Bradberry’s holding penalty
Let’s watch this play again:
After staring at several different angles of this tens of times, I completely understand the decision to throw a flag, and so do Smith-Schuster and Bradberry.
Look, it stinks that a spectacular championship game between two awesome teams had to end like this. Anticlimactic endings aren’t extremely popular amongst the general public, especially when it comes to big sporting events. When Jerick McKinnon smartly slid prior to scoring in order to let the clock run, I was kind of hoping for an Ahmad Bradshaw-style accidental butt touchdown.
I also feel for the Eagles, who had one of the best seasons in franchise history with a roster more well-rounded than a prospective Harvard student. Seasons like these don’t happen very often; to have it end the way it did was deflating.
But here’s the thing. Actually, two things. You know what, make it three things. I’m on a roll here.
One, that was a penalty. It may have not been extremely blatant and obvious, but it certainly affected the play. Two, we’ve seen a lot worse from umpires and referees over the past several decades. Three (and perhaps most importantly), that play didn’t single-handedly cost the Eagles the game. In fact, it was far from the reason.
The Chiefs dominated the second half; they outscored the Eagles 24-11, didn’t register a single negative play on offense, didn’t commit a single penalty and didn’t let any of Patrick Mahomes’ 13 on-target passes hit the ground. Overall, the Chiefs gashed Philly on the ground, as their 6.1 yards per carry were the most the Eagles had given up since Week 1 against the Lions. Mahomes wasn’t sacked a single time, and Travis Kelce was a major factor. Referees and penalties are easy scapegoats in close losses. It’s especially infuriating when the commissioner of the NFL says that the officiating has “ever been better” after an AFC Championship game that saw multiple officiating blunders. However, they shouldn’t be the scapegoats here. Whether you thought Bradberry held Smith-Schuster or not, or whether you believe referees should be more apprehensive about calling penalties in crunchtime, the flag was not the sole reason Philly lost. I feel a little lighter now.
Pam: “You’re allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?” Kevin: “Extremely, but I’m gonna fight through it.”
Patrick Mahomes, immune to injury and already amongst the greatest
Since Patrick Mahomes became HOLY CRAP PATRICK MAHOMES in 2018, defenses have been in a tizzy trying to merely contain him. The answer seemed to be dropping defensive backs deeper into coverage to minimize Mahomes’ rocket arm, but Mahomes adjusted and became perfectly content with working the short/intermediate areas of the field. There was once again no answer.
On Sunday, the Eagles seemed to have discovered the formula for taking down Mahomes, which was preventing him from playing altogether. The Eagles possessed the ball for over 20 minutes in the first half, while the Chiefs held the ball for less than 10. Philly’s strategy was working, as they led by 10 at halftime.
Then, Mahomes got the ball, and the Eagles defense couldn’t do much about it. His only incompletion of the second half was on a throw-away during Kansas City’s second iteration of “ring-around-the-rosie”.
Despite re-aggravating his injured ankle towards the end of the first half, Mahomes was able to gut out the rest of the game with who-knows-what injected into his bloodstream. He even put together his longest run of the season, a 26-yard skedaddle that helped set up Butker’s game-winning kick.
While this wasn’t Mahomes’ best performance, it was a squeaky clean one en route to his second Super Bowl victory. In our entrance survey that was posted prior to Sunday’s game, I proclaimed that Mahomes would have to be considered an all-time great athlete with another Super Bowl win. He’s accomplished so much, and he’s not even 28 years old. You know what, let’s take a look at other football legends who put together loaded pre-age-28 resumes like Mahomes.
For reference, Mahomes’ resume looks like this: Two championships, two Super Bowl MVPs, five conference championship game appearances, five Pro Bowl appearances, three All-Pro selections, lead the league in passing touchdowns twice and passing yards once.
Tom Brady: Three championships, two Super Bowl MVPs, three conference championship appearances, two Pro Bowl appearances, 2002 passing touchdown leader
That’s it. Brady is the only comparable football player in terms of accomplishments. Peyton Manning and John Elway didn’t win a Super Bowl until they were in their 30’s. Aaron Rodgers won MVP when he was 28, and Joe Montana didn’t win the award until he was 33. Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl. Mahomes has already done more than many of the all-time great signal-callers.
How about instead, we compare him to all-time NBA greats. Here are the players that, like Mahomes and Brady, accomplished a lot prior to their age-28 seasons.
Michael Jordan: One championship, one Finals MVP, three conference finals appearances, two regular season MVPs (probably should’ve been more), seven All-Star appearances, five All-NBA first team selections, led the NBA in scoring five times
LeBron James: One championship, one Finals MVP, three regular season MVPs, three Finals appearances, four conference finals appearances, eight All-Star appearances, six All-NBA first team selections, 2007-08 scoring champion
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: One championship, one Finals MVP, three regular season MVPs, four conference finals appearances, six All-Star appearances, four first team All-NBA selections, led the league in scoring twice
Larry Bird: Two championships, one Finals MVP, oe regular season MVP, four conference finals appearances, five All-Star appearances, five All-NBA first team selections
Magic Johnson: Four championships, three Finals MVPs, one regular season MVP, four conference Finals appearances, seven All-Star appearances, five All-NBA first team selections, led the league in assists four times
Bill Russell: Five championships, would’ve won at least a few Finals MVPs had they had the award back then, three regular season MVPs, six conference finals appearances, five All-Star appearances, one All-NBA first team appearance, led the league in rebounds five times
Tim Duncan: Two championships, two Finals MVPs, two regular season MVPs, three conference finals appearances, six All-Star appearances, seven All-NBA first team selections
Kobe Bryant: Three championships, five conference finals appearances, eight All-Star appearances, four All-NBA first team selections, 2005-06 scoring champion
Shaquille O’Neal: One championship, one Finals MVP, one regular season MVP, five conference finals appearances, seven All-Star appearances, two All-NBA first team selections, led the league in scoring twice
Moses Malone: One championship, one Finals MVP, three regular season MVPs, two conference finals appearances, five All-Star appearances, three All-NBA first team appearances, led the league in rebounding three times
Dwyane Wade: One championship, one Finals MVP, two conference finals appearances, five All-Star appearances, one All-NBA first team selection, 2008-09 scoring champion
Isiah Thomas: One championship, three conference finals appearances, eight All-Star appearances, three All-NBA first team selections, 1984-85 assist leader
Giannis Antetokounmpo: One championship, one Finals MVP, two regular season MVPs, two conference finals appearances, six All-Star appearances, four All-NBA first teams selections
That is a list filled with exclusively all-time greats. The fact that we had to cross over sports because we literally couldn’t find enough football equals to Mahomes speaks for itself. He ends this postseason completing 72% of his passes for 703 yards, seven passing touchdowns and no turnovers. He wasn’t flawless, but he was pretty darn close. I’ll let Paul Rudd’s son give my closing remarks on Mahomes.
“I am really proud of you.” — Michael Scott
Missouri football legend Nick Bolton’s glorious scoop-and-score
Throughout this season, I have made little mention of the University of Missouri, which is the school that I’m currently a student at and also the school that KCOU calls home. While there are plenty of Mizzou alumni currently in the NFL, including Bolton, Drew Lock and Blaine Gabbert, there haven’t been any Mizzou-related moments throughout this season that have been worth writing about in these columns (except Gabbert helping rescue a family in a helicopter crash this past December. That was extraordinary).
On Sunday, however, the Tigers had their moment in the national spotlight, as Bolton picked up a Jalen Hurts fumble and took it to the house for the first ever Super Bowl touchdown by a former Mizzou football player.
https://twitter.com/MizzouFootball/status/1624931811657764866?s=20&t=CQk1SJcaFd4c2LisVjKiSA
As Bolton scooped up the loose ball, a wave of black and gold pride enveloped me. Look at our man go! Sure, former Tigers such as Justin Smith, Kellen Winslow and Jeremt Maclin all had wonderful pro careers, but Bolton’s championship dash might be the greatest play by a Missouri Tiger in the NFL other than Lock rapping Jeezy to perfection during a game. This play was also very funny. We’re so used to seeing pro athletes pull off extraordinary movements and actions, but sometimes, they (literally) drop the ball, just as Hurts did. It wasn’t quite as laughable as Jameis Winston’s spectacular oopsie in the inaugural College Football Playoff, but seeing a football fall out of a player’s grasp without anyone touching it is a lighthearted reminder that these athletic giants can mess up in goofy fashion. I’m just glad a former Missouri Tiger was there to capitalize on the mistake.
“With the pyramid, you have the connection to everything.” — Jim Halpert
Both teams’ offensive lines kicking butt
Prior to Sunday, I’m not sure the trenches had been a larger topic of discussion since World War II, and for good reason. Both teams were elite on both the offensive and defensive lines, and how each unit tried to stop the other was set to be a fascinating sight.
I think it’s safe to say that the offensive lines of both teams emerged victorious. Other than Jalen Hurts getting strip-sacked, Philly’s o-line did a pretty decent job of mitigating Kansas City’s front seven. Chris Jones and Frank Clark didn’t register a single tackle for loss, and the other sack that was credited to Chiefs defensive tackle Khalen Saunders was just Hurts running out of bounds on his own for a loss, with Saunders being the nearest defender.
Where they found the most success, however, was on quarterback sneaks. They’ve perfected both clearing a lane for Hurts to dive through and pushing Hurts forward to the open space. They’re so good at it that I fear a rule change might be imminent. Watch how far they push back Kansas City’s defensive line on the first score of the game.
However, if we were to pick a winner between either offensive line, it’d be the Chiefs. Facing a defense that was historically awesome at sacking the quarterback, the Eagles didn’t register a single sack. On the ground, Isiah Pacheco and Jerick McKinnon continuously found running lanes. All in all, it was a dominant performance from an offensive line that was a product of Kansas City’s past o-line construction failures. After seeing Mahomes running for his life and throwing passes like Will Ferrell in “Elf” threw snowballs in Super Bowl LV, the Chiefs smartly decided “never again”.
This was a great lesson in team-building. With a great offensive line, you have the connection to everything. You can do almost anything your heart desires as an offense with a great offensive line. While the Chiefs didn’t have a glistening collection of skill players, they had an offensive line that gave football Jesus/Buddha/Moses(?) time to make magic happen, and it paid off on the biggest stage.
“I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.” — Michael Scott
Some seriously brilliant play calling by Andy Reid
Andy Reid is a connoisseur of many things. Hawaiian shirts, hamburgers, drawing mustaches on players, throwing bombs, you name it, Reid can probably do it. However, the thing he’s best known for is HAMBURG-no, stop it. He’s known for calling plays at a very high level, which is exactly what he did on Sunday.
Here’s a throwback sweep play that resulted in a first down:
How about “ring-around-the-rosie” part two? It didn’t work, but it’s funny watching giant professional athletes jump up and down in a circle as another group of giant professional athletes stand still in immense confusion.
Here’s Travis Kelce drawing poor Nate Epps on an island. That matchup went about as expected. Check the stanky leg at the end. Smooth moves, Travis!
My favorite play of the night was the Skyy Moore touchdown. After Kadarius Toney had scored off of this gorgeous play:
Reid called the exact same thing on their next goal-line trip, except on the other side of the field. It worked perfectly. Yogi Berra once said “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. However, if you can make something that’s not broken even better, go right ahead!
Out of the many lessons we’ve learned this season, one of the biggest ones was that great coaching can uplift a team to a great extent. People wondered how Kansas City’s offense was going to function without Tyreek Hill. I was absolutely one of those people. Not only did the Chiefs successfully pull off the “Moneyball” method of signing several guys to replace the production of one guy, but Reid continuously called plays that put his players in positions to succeed, just as he has his entire career. It was a ton of fun to watch on Sunday night, especially against a vaunted Eagles defense who looked anything but dominant.
Angela: *takes Advil* “I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing.”
Me preparing myself for Kadarius Toney to have a seismic impact in the Super Bowl
Heading into Sunday’s game, I knew that there were only two possibilities regarding Toney’s prospective performance: he was going to either hurt himself on one of his first two snaps and not return to the game, or he was going to make at least one huge play. Unfortunately for Giants fans (including myself), the latter ended up becoming reality.
I had prepared myself to get angry over Toney beforehand. But to actually feel it, have that shower of frustration wash over you, have that little voice in your head saying “we had that”…it’s not fun! And it’s even worse when all of those feelings transpire in less than two minutes of game action.
The punt return (the longest in Super Bowl history, by the way) was especially heart-stabbing. Not only did it set up the Chiefs for a crucial touchdown, all the skills Toney displayed on the return were a perfect representation of how intoxicating he can be when his legs hold up. The startlingly sudden cuts. The ultra-wide field vision. The Zen-like balance. The intelligent acceleration and deceleration. He’s dopamine in human form. Watching him slice and dice through defenses is like scrolling through TikTok or Instagram; you want to watch more and more.
While it stinks that things couldn’t work out between him and the Giants, seeing him succeed on a big stage made a large part of me happy. Sometimes, a change of scenery is necessary to really unlock someone, and Toney seems to be a great example of that. If he can stay healthy (and that “if” is larger than the entire state of Missouri), the Chiefs will have a lethal weapon on the outside for many years to come. But don’t count on it. Seriously. Don’t get too attached.
“It’s just that sometimes, goodbyes are a b*tch.” — Jim Halpert
The final Sunday column of the season
As the 2022-23 NFL season concludes, so do my weekly Sunday columns. I’m sorry for not talking super in-depth about Rihanna’s epic Super Smash Bros-inspired halftime show. I enjoyed it, especially considering how many really good songs Rihanna has. However, I feel like she could’ve ascended me to heaven during “Diamonds”. The scenery was there, the song was there, the camera shot was there. Rihanna had been served up a fastball right down the middle to hit 700 feet. She hit a frozen rope into the gap for an extra base hit, but…gah! There was so much potential for something amazing! Like, Coldplay-level amazing!
Anyways, I’m going to try to not make this like I just accepted an Academy Award as possible, but I do have some people to thank as we bring this season to a close.
I’d first like to thank whoever at KCOU decided that staff members could have the creative freedom of an eccentric artist when it came to writing columns. Without that freedom, I probably wouldn’t have thought to write these columns in the first place.
I’d also like to thank the amazing web editors of KCOU: Abigail Klapatauskas and Noa Chen. Editing several thousand word stories in a timely manner is a very difficult task, but they did it week in and week out. They gave effective feedback, and I’ve become a better writer because of it.
This season was, as Kelly Kapoor once said, “B-A-N-A-N-A-S!” I’m not going to recap everything that happened in one paragraph, because that would take me approximately two more Texans head coach firings to complete.
The only other thing I’d like to say is that I’m glad I was able to turn my passion for football into tangible products. I thoroughly enjoyed infusing topics that had nothing to do with football to make reading about football more fun, such as Survivor, Panda Express, Judaism, earthquakes in Mexico and professional wrestling. While I won’t miss staying up far past my bedtime to finish these columns, I’m going to miss the weekly endeavors into stats, concepts, oddities and everything that goes into these stories. I hope you all enjoyed these columns as much as I did writing them. Until next season.