For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
To preface this week’s column, here’s an eight second clip from The Office that I think best sums up the past 24 hours of NFL football:
https://x.com/quentincorpuel/status/1706549645629960674?s=46&t=nXxIynGF8GbPY0MKBppt4w
Like Jim Halpert falling off of a bicycle, Sunday was completely and utterly drunk. Some teams and players reached the highest of peaks, while others plummeted to the lowest of valleys. Puzzling coaching decisions and questionable officiating were aplenty.
Gardner Minshew pulled an Orlovsky, but the Colts still beat the Ravens. Jordan Love overcame a throwback performance by Green Bay’s defense (allowing a Jimmy Graham touchdown) and special teams (being detrimental) and led a game-winning drive to knock off the Saints. Teams we thought would be bad (Houston and Arizona) might actually be good, and teams we thought would be good (Cincinnati and Jacksonville) might not actually be good.
Something that needs to be considered, however, is that Week 3 last year was also incredibly weird. The eventual four-win Colts beat the eventual Super Bowl-champion Chiefs. The Nathaniel Hackett-led Broncos beat the eventual 13-win 49ers 11-10. The Bears won a football game; that would only happen one more time over the ensuing 365 days. In essence, let’s not completely buy into everything that transpired, because there’s still a lot of football left to be played.
Nevertheless, it was another silly Sunday of football. Let’s dive in.
“Oh my god! Ok, it’s happening…everybody stay calm…stay calm…STAY F***ING CALM!” – Michael Scott
America’s newest celebrity couple (I think?)
I still cannot believe this is actually happening. This is a real-life “Mad Libs” scenario we’re currently living through. Travis Kelce shot for the moon, and he might’ve actually landed. This might be the next great American dynasty. Boom. There’s my one allotted Taylor Swift reference. Please enjoy the rest of this column free of any more Taylor Swift references.
I’ve never been into celebrity drama because, quite frankly, I don’t care.
I now care a little bit more.
https://x.com/BleacherReport/status/1706072572939669639?s=20
Meeting the mom this early and screaming “LET’S F***ING GO” right next to her? There’s a level of comfortability here that made me think there’s at least something going on.
And then, the postgame walkout really made me think something was going on.
https://x.com/paytonsun/status/1706108185029845125?s=20
I now completely understand why people are so into celebrity relationships.
I don’t want to get too ahead of my skis here, but with all due respect to Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez, this could be Gen Z’s Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe. Side note: If Donna Kelce can get Taylor Swift to be her daughter-in-law while also producing two awesome NFL players?! That’s an all-time mom resume right there.
I’ll admit, I must applaud Swift for completely taking over America. Sports fans were one gigantic demographic that Swift hadn’t quite enthralled yet, and now, she’s got ‘em. Conversely, sports weren’t a subject that many Swifties seemed to be particularly engaged with; now, we might get Taylor Swift fan accounts generating Kadarius Toney discourse.
Should this be real, I do worry ever so slightly about what would happen if things went bad.
https://x.com/BaileyCarlin/status/1706116737479975126?s=20
What would a song about Kelce be called? “Incomplete”? “Downed”? A four-minute earth-scorcher about how Kelce would be just another tight end if he didn’t have Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid? Swift has torn her exes to shreds in her songs, and I wouldn’t want a seemingly nice guy like Kelce to get thrown into the same boat as Joe Jonas and Jake Gyllenhall.
Nevertheless, I (along with a lot of others, probably) still don’t know a ton about this because, again, I’m not a frequent consumer of celebrity happenings. To help us understand the enormity of the situation, I’ve brought in KCOU Sports’ local Taylor Swift Correspondent Megan Dorr for some more insight.
Quentin: Megan, thanks for stepping in to help. Do you really think this relationship is for real?
Megan: Originally, I thought this was a big PR stunt because it seemed so one-sided, with Travis being the only person you were hearing stuff from. However, the fact that she not only came to Kansas City and sat with his mom, but also was seen on a night-time date with him makes it seem real. I’m not ready to say this is a relationship yet, as it conveniently does bring a lot of attention to both of them, but it does seem like she’s having a good time.
Quentin: Have there been any indicators from her past relationships that make you think her and Travis are actually together?
Megan: Her last long-term relationship was notoriously private, and with this being so public, it is a bit of a switch-up. Swift has infamously dated non-Americans, which makes dating a star NFL player a bit of a surprise. Maybe she realized her past type wasn’t working and decided to switch it up.
Quentin: And finally, why is this so darn important?
Megan: Celebrities like Swift don’t break into the sports world like this. Sure, they’re often at the games in the expensive seats and might occasionally be friends with athletes, but this is different. Taylor Swift is arguably the most famous person in the world right now, and the sports world has not shut up about her the last two weeks. She has infiltrated every show, broadcast and article (prime example right here) about the NFL and will probably continue to dominate headlines for the foreseeable future.
Thank you very much for your help, Megan! Now, let’s talk about actual football.
“Holy god.” – Pam Beesly
The Miami Dolphins reigning an unprecedented amount of terror on the Broncos
Let’s get the records out of the way first. The Dolphins beat the Broncos 70-20, which is a score that’s closer to, like, UConn women’s basketball playing a mid-major than a score between two actual NFL teams.
On Sunday, the Dolphins scored as many or more points in a single game as…
Any NFL team had scored in a single game since Washington in 1966.
13 NFL teams have all season (not including the teams playing on Monday night)
Colorado men’s basketball averaged last season (69.9)
Iowa football in their first four games of 2022 against an FCS opponent, eventual two-win Nevada and two eventual four-win Power 5 teams (65)
Raheem Mostert scored 45.2 PPR fantasy points and wasn’t even the highest scoring running back on his own team. De’Von Achane’s rushing yards exceeded his weight. The turf-destroyer from Texas A&M is also currently the RB5 in fantasy football despite entering the week with a total of 1.9 PPR points. Also, Jaylen Waddle didn’t even play. LOLLLL.
The Dolphins also racked up the most yards in a single game (726) since the Rams registered 735 in 1951 against the New York Yanks, who had players named Zollie Toth, Vitamin Smith and Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch. That is not a typo; the last time an NFL team picked up this many yards in a game, THE NEW YORK YANKS WERE A FOOTBALL TEAM WHO HAD A PLAYER WHOSE REAL NAME WAS VITAMIN.
I’ve witnessed a handful of wallopings in my life, but this is the one that’s most reminded me of the 2014 FIFA Men’s World Cup semifinals, when Germany annihilated Brazil 7-1. It was a generational ass-kicking; the Germans smashed a ton of records en route to humiliating Brazil on their home soil.
I remember sitting in my grandparents’ living room, watching the Germans score seemingly every five seconds. Brazil had no answer; they were getting fundamentally and morally torn to shreds. The players looked like they’d gotten their souls eviscerated, because that’s exactly what happened. When the final whistle blew, it was liberation for a crowd that’d been tortured for over 90 minutes.
Sure, Germany-Brazil and Dolphins-Broncos aren’t exactly equal – the NFL equivalent of Germany-Brazil would be if the Dolphins beat the Broncos 70-20 in the AFC Championship at Mile High Stadium. Rather, the flow of the game was similar. Seeing the Fins do whatever they wanted on offense was like watching a war tank flatten a helpless SUV. The Broncos had been burnt to a crisp by an 11-man flamethrower.
The sample size is still small, but what the Dolphins are doing on offense is historic. They’ve entered a stratosphere that only the greatest offensive units of all-time have entered; only the 1968 Cowboys have scored more points through three weeks than the 2023 Dolphins (130), and Miami sits alone in total yards (1,651) and yards per play (8.4).
The ridiculous numbers are only one half of the equation. Actually watching the Dolphins on offense is an experience. Here’s their third touchdown of the afternoon, and I’d like any defensive coordinator at any level of football to explain how in the world you’re supposed to defend this:
https://x.com/NFL/status/1706002674574102813?s=20
There’s just so much speed and so many players to worry about. When the Dolphins have ludicrous speed both on the outside and in the backfield running all over the place, it becomes almost impossible for defenses to contain them.
Can Miami keep up this historic pace? I certainly don’t think they’re scoring 70 points every game, but these first three weeks have shown us the ceiling of this offense, which is somewhere in the vicinity of the International Space Station. Tagovailoa is delivering accurate throws to receivers that are constantly open. It’s a combination of a) Miami having so many ridiculously fast skill players, and b) McDaniel and Co. scheming up plays where defenses have to worry about all of those fast people at once, which usually opens up something.
At the very least, the Dolphins are officially appointed television, and I just hope that the Greatest Show in South Beach can stay healthy for the entire season.
“In the wild, healthcare is ‘ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, I’m dead. Well…I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.’” — Dwight Schrute
The ‘85 Bea- I mean the Browns defense
Coming into the season, many projected the Browns defense to be pretty good.
I don’t think anyone thought they would be this good.
https://x.com/PFF_Moo/status/1706282383626911790?s=20
Take a good look at that chart. Like, a really good look. The gap between the first (Cleveland) and second (Buffalo) is just barely smaller than the gap between second and 32nd (Denver). That’s pretty ridiculous stuff.
It feels like there are 15 players on the field. It feels like everyone is everywhere all at once. My favorite part about their defense is how much attention Myles Garrett draws from the opposition, and the Titans took it to a whole new level on Sunday.
Watch how not one, but two Tennessee tight ends follow Garrett across the line of scrimmage. They were so worried about him that the Titans drew a delay of game penalty. By his mere presence, Garrett spooked an entire offense into a penalty. Truly magical stuff.
https://x.com/EmmanuelAcho/status/1706031125569941920?s=20
Again, the sample size is small, but the results are hard to ignore. Like the Dolphins offense, I’d love it if the Browns continued to play this spectacularly on defense.
“There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.” — Robert California
The Cardinals and Texans being good, just like we all expected
The Cardinals and Texans were supposed to be the two worst teams in football this season. Many projected Arizona (who holds Houston’s first-round pick next year via the Will Anderson trade) to have the top two picks in the 2024 draft.
Through three weeks, it’s clear that neither team got the memo. After two consecutive weeks that featured second half letdowns, the Cardinals finally played a complete game and dominated the Cowboys, who’d looked invincible through the first two games of the season. Josh Dobbs looks incredibly comfortable considering a) how porous he looked in Tennessee last season, and b) the fact that he’s been in Arizona for barely a month. James Conner has continued to put up rock solid numbers on the ground, and rookie Michael Wilson has been a fun addition to the receiving room.
Many, including myself, thought Jonathan Gannon was being unserious when he asked players in a tone similar to Toby Flednerson if they had fire in their guts. Turns out that they definitely do! All three levels of the defense have been playing exceptionally well, and it’s been clear since Week 1 that the defense is legit.
Donnie Druin of Revenge of the Birds summed up the positive energy shift well after the Cardinals almost beat the Commanders in Week 1:
“…things felt different on Arizona’s sideline,” Druin said. “Players came out with energy and purpose, something that had been lacking during the downswing of Kliff Kingsbury’s tenure in the desert. The Cardinals saw defensive players flying to the football and making plays…”
In Houston, The Texans are 2-1 after trouncing the Jaguars 37-17. The “Texans are actually pretty good” take is one I really wish I had before the season, because their roster isn’t as bare-bones as many might think.
The star of the show so far has been CJ Stroud. Even amidst a beaten up offensive line and a less-than-average receiving core, Stroud has looked the part of a legit starter through these first few weeks of football. His comfortability has been wildly impressive, and the accuracy that helped make him such a highly-touted prospect has translated seamlessly.
https://x.com/BrettKollmann/status/1706123687622275299?s=20
“I don’t care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.” — Michael Scott
Defending Sam Howell
Last week, I proclaimed that the level of quarterbacking was at an all-time high. My reasoning wasn’t because the top-tier of signal-callers were all balling out (they weren’t); rather, it was the fact that almost everyone else was playing well. There were only a few quarterbacks who had truly stunk through the first couple of weeks.
On Sunday, that number grew to more than a few. Well more than a few.
While Justin Fields and Zach Wilson were already a part of that short list, their nightmare starts to the season continued. A Jets quarterback was getting manhandled by ghosts against the Patriots again, as Wilson struggled again in a depressing 15-10 defeat. Fields couldn’t do much of anything against the Chiefs, as they played so poorly that CBS turned off the game even with arguably the most famous celebrity in America in attendance.
Elsewhere, Jimmy Garoppolo, Sam Howell, Mac Jones, Desmond Ridder, Ryan Tannehill, Russell Wilson and Jameis Winston all had suboptimal days at the office. Even though Deshaun Watson played well against the Titans, he did this:
https://x.com/MySportsUpdate/status/1706002881722118259?s=20
To put the cherry on top, Dolphins backup QB Mike White threw two passes on Sunday and, in the fantasy football verse, outscored Wilson, Ridder, Tannehill, Howell and Daniel Jones. The quarterbacking definitely did not feel like it was at an all-time high.
I will, however, come to the defense of one QB who had a down Sunday, and that’s Howell. If you only looked at the box score (which I would advise NOT to do), Howell had a treacherous day in stormy East Coast weather, throwing four interceptions in a 37-3 blowout at the hands of the Bills.
However, the narrative changes once we actually look at the four interceptions:
Pick #1: Howell’s trying to make a play on 3rd & 19 in Washington territory. His laser deep over the middle would’ve been complete to Dyami Brown had Terrell Bernard not jumped on an invisible trampoline to intercept the pass.
Pick #2: This pass should not have been thrown, but to be fair to Howell, he had a free rusher directly in his face. That was one of the most prominent themes of the day.
https://x.com/NextGenStats/status/1706046235659124933?s=20
Pick #3: Shaq Lawson jukes Andrew Wylie so hard that Wylie goes from right tackle to right guard in one move, and Lawson hits Howell as he throws en route to Tre’Davious White jumping the underthrow in the end zone. It wasn’t the best decision by Howell, but Wylie allowing a free rush certainly didn’t help, either.
Pick #4: A.J. Epenesa turns into Vince Carter and takes Howell’s fourth pick of the game back for a touchdown. Most of the time, the lob pass Howell threw gets over the defender and into the receiver’s hands for a big gain.
In essence, none of the interceptions were horrendous decisions, which is a good thing! Also, outside of the four picks, Howell continued to look comfortable and made big-time throws just like he had been over the first two weeks of the season. While his game certainly still needs refining, the moment never looks too big for him, and Washington fans should remain confident in the young signal-caller moving forward.
“Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me.” — Dwight Schrute
A few odd coaching decisions
Since he became the Chargers head coach in 2021, Brandon Staley has prided himself and thought of himself as an analytics-based decision-maker, which is great! The only problem is that he doesn’t actually make analytically-savvy decisions, which is not so great!
For example, the area between a team’s own 40-yard line and the opponent’s 40-yard line is one where many coaches have started going for fourth-and-shorts more in recent years. Since 2021 (not including garbage time), Staley has elected to punt 12 times on 4th & 3 or shorter in that zone, including twice in Week 1 against the Titans. He is Public Enemy #1 in Analyticsville.
On Sunday, however, Staley forged down the complete opposite path. Instead of punting in a situation where the Chargers should’ve gone for a fourth-down conversion, Staley elected to go for it in a situation where the Chargers DEFINITELY should’ve punted.
Let’s first set the scene: Justin Herbert has had arguably the best game of his career.
https://x.com/BenjaminSolak/status/1706041342214758512?s=20
And Keenan Allen has gone nuclear.
https://x.com/ESPNStatsInfo/status/1706027378034524524?s=20
While LA’s Austin Ekeler-less rushing attack couldn’t get anything going on the ground, LA still held a four-point lead late in the fourth quarter. Facing a fourth-and-one at their own 24-yard line, again, the obvious decision here is to punt. Sure, a first down would end the game (Minnesota had no timeouts remaining), but the risk was immense; failing to move the chains would’ve gifted the Vikings the ball inside of LA’s 25-yard line.
Not only did Staley elect to go for it, this was the play call on the most important play of the game:
https://x.com/MasterTes/status/1706038754761375987?s=20
No QB sneak? Herbert is 6’6” and almost 240 pounds. No isolation route/play-action? Allen had been roasting Minnesota’s secondary all game long, and we saw in the Sunday night game how impactful a play-action pass to an elite receiver can be on fourth-and-short, especially because the defense is expecting a run. And yet, the play was called for the unit that’d been struggling the most all game long.
While Staley stood his ground and defended his decision postgame, the decision almost dropped the Chargers to 0-3 and might’ve gotten Staley fired if not for a coaching gaffe by the Vikings.
https://x.com/WillRagatz/status/1706054436148162606?s=20
This was certainly perplexing. Kirk Cousins has led 28 game-winning drives over the course of his career, yet looked like he’d never been in this situation before.
And then, Josh McDaniels threw his hat into the questionable coaching ring.
The slightly positive thing about McDaniels’ heavily-scrutinized decision was that I sort of understood it. Facing a fourth-and-four down eight with 2:25 left and all three timeouts, kicking a field goal down by eight isn’t that silly, but it’s still silly. Especially when this was his explanation for the decision after the game:
“You’re going to need another possession anyway; you know what I mean?” McDaniels said. “So, it’s not a lack of confidence. We went for it multiple times.”
Um….
??.
???????
JOSHUA?!
I understand that head coaching is hard. There are a lot of moving parts you need to worry about. However, knowing that you can score eight points in one possession? That feels like something an NFL head coach should know.
We have 15 more weeks of this. I cannot be more excited.