Welcome back to another edition of FMIC. This edition is an unfortunately special one, because it marks the end of an era.
The Office columns are no more.
The decision was difficult, but necessary. Over the first three weeks of the season, I realized that the format I’d been using since I started weekly recap columns limited my ability to get to as many games and storylines as possible. This new format will be the one going forward.
As we bid a sad adieu to Michael Scott & Co., we embark on a new era of recaps. Onward!
Front page headlines
(Not really) breaking news: The 49ers are a juggernaut
One of my roommates is a Cowboys fan. If you’re reading this, Cowboys fan roommate, yes, I am about to talk about you. The best part is that you have no idea what I’m about to say. The keyboard beneath me currently holds an enormous amount of power. I can totally just unveil all of your deepest and darkest secrets to the entire world.
Obviously, I’m not going to do that. What I will do, however, is briefly entail his experience on Sunday night, which wasn’t a very fun one.
On Sunday night, my roommate’s boundless excitement turned to sunken defeat, as the 49ers smashed his beloved Cowboys by a score of 42-10. The last time Dallas was beaten this badly? November 10, 2013, when Drew Brees, Mark Ingram and Marques Colston ripped apart the Cowboys defense en route to, funny enough, a 32-point victory on Sunday Night Football.
Every shockingly easy completion by Brock Purdy seemed to make the Micah Parsons jersey he was wearing a darker hue of navy. Every bruising chunk run by Jordan Mason and Christian McCaffrey slowly crushed his enthusiasm. Each of Dak Prescott’s three interceptions chipped away at his spirit; when Mason found paydirt after Prescott’s third interception to make it 42-10 Niners, “we’re getting our a** kicked” was muttered a couple of touchdowns too late from the left side of our living room couch. “Welcome to the club!” I responded with maybe a splash more eagerness than necessary.
Being a lifelong Cowboys fan has made him subject to numerous instances of heartbreak and disappointment. However, he’s never experienced too many major butt-kickings like a lot of other fanbases have; besides, Dallas has had one of the better regular season records from the 2010’s on. Entering Sunday, the Cowboys had lost by 20 or more points just 15 times since 2010. To compare, the Giants have had 26 of those losses in that same time frame.
San Francisco has been Dallas’ kryptonite over the past couple of postseasons, but Sunday was different. The previous two January matchups felt like two high-level teams duking it out in slugfests; Sunday felt like a snowplow barreling over a helpless snowman.
Purdy continued playing clean and effective football. He’s the only QB who’s thrown for at least 200 yards, no interceptions and a completion percentage of 67 or better in each of the first five games of the season. The even better part? He’s playing like a quarterback San Francisco can win because of.
The adage that Purdy is just tossing easy passes to wide open pass-catchers isn’t true or, at the very least, isn’t nearly as strong of a statement as it used to be. While it certainly helps to have the incredible collection of talent the 49ers have as well as an elite play caller in Kyle Shanahan, Purdy has been making high-level throws while also limiting mistakes.
The second part is something he struggled with slightly last season; there were a few too many really dangerous throws that he made. Now, Purdy has found a balance between hitting open receivers while also creating positive plays out-of-structure. While George Kittle called Purdy a “robot” after the game, he’s not like other QB’s who branch off the Kirk Cousins tree; he can create positive plays with something he did as opposed to it solely being because of something the play caller did. Check out these few throws, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
As for Dallas, the forgettable night had several problem areas. Not only did they turn it over four times, they all came within the first three plays of a drive. While one of Prescott’s interceptions wasn’t totally his fault, the other two included an unnecessary moonshot and a poor read. There’s value in valuing the football, which Prescott didn’t do a good enough job of.
I think the Cowboys are still good. However, Sunday showed that there’s a clear gap between them and the 49ers.
The Patriots are broken
Speaking of franchises that haven’t experienced too much peril since the turn of the century, on behalf of the rest of the league, we welcome back to the real world Patriots fans who a) haven’t seen their team be this bad in over two decades, or b) are young enough to have not even been alive for the Patriots being bad.
“Dear Patriots fans under 35: Welcome to what it used to be like.” NBC Boston’s John Tomase said after yesterday’s 34-0 annihilation at the hands of the Saints.
The vibes are brutal in Beantown. The Patriots are 1-4 for the first time since 2000. They’ve lost their last two games by a combined score of 72-3, both of which have been the two worst losses of Bill Belichick’s entire coaching career. Mac Jones & Co. are on the verge of doing something that’s rarely been seen amongst Boston sports teams in the 21st century: truly stinking.
Since 2000, the Bruins, Celtics and Red Sox have combined for just three seasons where they lost 65% or more of their games. 35% of 17 is just under six; judging by the first five weeks of action, I find it hard to believe the Patriots will win five more games this season. Their only saving grace might be the fact that they still get to play both New York teams, the Broncos and the Raiders.
Usually, I’m a glass half-full kind of person. Unfortunately, the glass that is the 2023 New England Patriots isn’t very full at all.
It’s easy to blame the head coach here. Especially after decades of immense success, the first sign of true decline naturally causes a desire for change. Think of these two lines from “Lose Yourself” by Eminem:
He’s chokin’, how? Everybody’s jokin’ now
The clock’s run out, time’s up, over, blow!
Through these first five weeks, it feels like Belichick’s time is up, as he and the Patriots have seemingly lost themselves. In the midst of the once-great castle that’s currently collapsing, everyone seems to be taking a jab.
But if we look at New England’s roster, is their demise that surprising? Mac Jones is, at best, ok. The offensive line is porous, and it’s negatively affected Rhamondre Stevenson, who looks substantially worse than last season. I don’t really know who the best pass-catcher on this team is, especially because Tyquan Thornton and Pop Douglas are arguably the two most dangerous ones simply because they can stretch the field.
Defensively, New England looked lost without Matt Judon and Christian Gonzalez against a Saints offense that barely averaged two touchdowns per game entering Sunday. While the unit is certainly better than the offense, great defenses don’t allow mediocre offenses to look even good.
Like bad teams in any sport, the Patriots are dealing with what I call “compound problems”. Basically, it’s the idea that “W thing is bad, but X, Y and Z are making it worse”. Sure, Jones isn’t a great quarterback, but he looks a lot worse when he doesn’t have much time to throw to receivers that aren’t usually open OR a reliable rushing attack to lean on. It also makes playing defense a lot more difficult when your offense can’t give you any support.
Thankfully for sad Bostonians, the Celtics and Bruins each begin their respective seasons soon, and Jayston Tatum and David Pastrnak are set to be far more watchable than Mac Jones.
The Bengals might be back
What was thought to be a strong pack of jungle cats from Southwest Ohio looked like they were on the brink of extinction over the first four weeks of the season. Then, they took a trip to Arizona and seem to have been revived (for now, at least).
Over the first few weeks of the season, moving the ball down the field looked about as difficult as these two Survivor contestants trying to make a fire. Joe Burrow looked far more mobile, and the results played out accordingly. The Bengals looked a lot more free, like a lid had been lifted, and their biggest beneficiary had a record day.
For Ja’Marr Chase, it turns out that he might actually always be open. His 15 catches were a new single-game franchise record, and his 192 yards and three touchdowns were also pretty cool, too. His Next Gen Stats chart looks like a spilled bowl of spaghetti noodles; Chase was winning from seemingly everywhere, whether it was out of the backfield, in the slot or on the outside. Oh, and the defense might have its swagger back.
Whether they can keep up the positive energy or not remains to be seen. It was simply good to see the Bengals look like their old selves again.
Quick(ish) hitters
Zack Moss rushes for 165 yards in Jonathan Taylor’s return
You thought Jonathan Taylor returning was going to go normally? Ha! You fool. Normalcy doesn’t exist with the Colts. I feel like we all should’ve known that when their owner wanted to finance the care of a dying whale (that actually ended up dying) instead of his superstar running back.
Travis Kelce almost caused a Swiftie uprising
Thankfully, when Travis Kelce went down during Kansas City’s victory over Minnesota, he didn’t get seriously injured. However, had something serious happened to Kelce on the artificial turf at U.S. Bank Stadium, the anger from millions of angry Swifties alone would’ve gotten artificial turf banned and would’ve rivaled even the greatest of revolts in human history.
How can we get the cool Falcons camera into every sporting event?
This is just so cool! And it’s even cooler when Bijan Robinson is putting streetball moves on defenders week in and week out.
Despite a clunky loss to the Falcons, the Texans will be fine
Sometimes, all I need is one reassuring quote to keep my faith in a team, and Texans offensive tackle Tytus Howard gave one in regards to CJ Stroud.
“He may be a rookie, but he’s not a rookie,” Howard said after the game. “That guy’s special, so we follow him. He leads us, and he is going to take us a long way.”
That makes me feel spectacular. Terrific. Remarkable. Outstanding. Undeterred. Delightful. Sure, Stroud didn’t have a great game in Atlanta, but he continued to look the part of a high-quality NFL starter, especially on Houston’s final offensive drive.
Also, those adjectives I used a few sentences ago? The first letter of each of them spelled out Stroud.
I promise I’m really fun at parties.
And now, here’s a hyperlink to tweet that shows how bad the Giants offensive line was against the Dolphins
Awards and superlatives
The dumbest loss I’ve ever seen: The Miami (FL) Hurricanes
Surprise! College football has weasled its way into this column because something happened on Saturday that was so extraordinary that I couldn’t not talk about it.
To preface, my parents met at UM, so I was raised a Hurricanes fan. I’ll forever be a Missouri Tiger, but there will always be a special place in my heart for The U, in part because I would literally not exist if not for the University of Miami.
If you’d like to test my loyalty, I’ve sat through the entirety of losses against Florida International, Louisiana Tech, numerous shellackings against Florida State and Clemson as well as the entire 2022 season that saw the ‘Canes look more like a circus act than a Division I football team. Also, I was UM quarterback Stephen Morris for Halloween in 2013, and I’ll continue to contend that I’m the only person that’s ever been and ever will be Stephen Morris for Halloween.
With that being said, what happened on Saturday night was the single dumbest sequence I’ve ever witnessed in any football game I’ve ever watched. You all probably saw it. In case you didn’t, here’s the full sequence.
In one of Notorious B.I.G.’s most popular songs, “Juicy”, the famous first line of his first verse goes “it was all a dream”. He then goes on to describe a handful of nostalgic childhood memories.
On Saturday night, it was all a nightmare, and this memory won’t be one I tell my kids about with any joy whatsoever. Miami had a win probability of 99.9% before Don Chaney’s harrowing fumble, which basically means that unless God intervenes or you intentionally throw the game, you’re going to win. This is the number that even the greatest choking teams haven’t approached. Not even the Falcons in Super Bowl LI reached a win probability that high up 28-3; they had a peak win probability of 99.8% before ultimately collapsing.
Even if Chaney’s elbow was down, it doesn’t excuse the fact that at least 99.9% of coaches would’ve known to kneel the ball there. And even if James Williams and Kam Kinchens had all-time goofs in the secondary that led to one of the worst losses in college football history, they shouldn’t have even had the opportunity to mess up in the first place.
Everything about this is so sad and weird. The ‘Canes were 5-0 for just the third time since 2005. They looked worlds better than whatever last year was on both sides of the ball. Now, it feels like they’ve taken seven steps back, and all of the negativity and hysterics that suddenly arose in South Beach were because Cristobal just doesn’t really take knees (and it’s cost his team a game before, too!). You know, the one play designed to ensure that you don’t turn the ball over.
I don’t understand it. No one seems to understand it. I don’t think anyone will seem to understand anything about what transpired on Saturday night. If this catalyzes a derailment of the rest of the season, so be it. Cristobal and Dawson have no one to blame but themselves.
On a more positive note…
“Man, I’d really like to play for this team!” Award: The 4-1 Detroit Lions
We should’ve seen it coming.
The good vibes currently present in Detroit can have their origins traced back to 2021. We saw remnants of a bright future at the end of that season, as they won three of their last six games after starting 0-10-1.
That included a Week 18 victory over the Packers that saw the Lions light up the scoreboard en route to a 37-30 victory. Detroit’s first touchdown of the day was a reverse flea flicker from Tom Kennedy to Kalif Raymond that kicked off an afternoon filled with good vibes and an eventual victory.
Flash forward almost two years later, and the spirits of Kennedy and Raymond were still ever-present. Already armed with a three-touchdown lead, the Lions pulled off a more traditional reverse flea flicker with the actual quarterback throwing the ball, and it yielded the same result. It continued the afternoon filled with good vibes and an eventual victory.
This is Detroit’s best start since 2011. While I don’t think they’re on the level of the other four and five-win teams (Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, San Francisco), Ben Johnson & Co. have been cooking up some masterpieces on offense that shouldn’t be going away anytime soon.
Most AFC North AFC North game of all-time: Ravens-Steelers on October 8, 2023
If you’re looking for a professional version of the Big Ten West, then the AFC North is for you. While the plethora of hijinks aren’t as present in the pros, the smash mouth, low-scoring football definitely is.
The funny thing about the first part of that last sentence is that there were definitely hijinks in Pittsburgh. Beneath the highlights of the late-game heroics from Kenny Pickett, George Pickens and the Steelers defense was Baltimore’s receivers forgetting how to catch footballs one too many times.
The Ravens were officially credited with seven drops on Sunday, multiple of which would’ve been easy touchdowns had they been caught. Even worse, not counted in those drops are a pair of other receiver mistakes: Zay Flowers fell over himself trying to track a deep ball, and Odell Beckham Jr. got dunked on by Joey Porter Jr. on a jump ball that led to an end zone pick for the rookie.
It’s weird because, on paper, the Ravens should’ve taken a leap. A healthy Jackson has looked fantastic, but everything else hasn’t. Even if Jackson looks like an MVP again, Baltimore won’t get very far if he doesn’t get some help.
Quote of the week
“Their coach made this s*** personal…well f*** him and f*** them…let’s win this b**** for Hackett!” – Jets tight end CJ Uzomah before New York’s matchup against the Broncos
While the quote from Uzomah makes it sound like Sean Payton insulted Nathaniel Hackett’s entire bloodline, the beef wasn’t nearly that hot. But there was certainly something there.
Back in July, Payton called Nathaniel’ Hackett’s brief coaching stint one of the worst ever. Was he wrong to essentially describe Hackett the William Henry Harrison of NFL head coaches? Not really, but the only problem is that Payton is also an NFL head coach who was set to face Hackett less than three months later.
When the time came around, Hackett got the last laugh, as he and the Jets took down the Broncos 31-21. Denver’s league-worst defense allowed over 400 yards of offense to a team that’d reached that mark just five times since 2020. It’s really unfortunate, because Russell Wilson had looked way better than what was a monumental disaster-class in 2022. But if Denver can’t figure it out on defense, it won’t matter in the slightest.
QC’s Neat-O Stat of the Week
The Jacksonville Jaguars have won more games in England over the past two weeks (2) than five English Premier League soccer teams (who play all of their games in England) have in the first eight games of the new EPL season.