“Student Media.”

Quite possibly the two most magical words in the English language, right behind “free samples” or “Dom’s blogs.”

If you’re reading this, there’s a considerable chance you’ve applied to join a product of student media, more commonly known as KCOU, and with music department interviews beginning this week, it’s time to get prepared.

As a host and member of the station since 1985, I feel as if the best and host honorable thing I can do besides give my airtime to a hungry up-and-coming journalist (which will happen over my dead body, respectfully) would be to impart any wisdom I can before next year when I meet my untimely demise in the form of graduation and, subsequently, deportation.

So, with that, here are some helpful tips to get you ready for your big break in student media.

BEFORE THE INTERVIEW

Like a balding father on his way to the airport, it’s good to arrive 3-4 hours early. A good (unpaid) employee should be willing to show just how punctual they can be in times of stress. Unlike a balding father at the airport, however, cargo shorts and sandals will not suffice. Instead, you should dress to impress and show you’ll fit right in as a (unpaid) music radio host in the central Missouri area.

SHIRTS / HOODIES
This one should be easy. Let the team at KCOU know that you are indeed a fan of music and not pretending in order to fit in like I’ve been doing for three years. Your employer will be impressed if you dress in the apparel of lesser known indie bands, so shirts featuring Nirvana, Joy Division, The Strokes or the Rolling Stones will be sure to impress.

SHOES
If you own a pair of Doc Martens, it’s imperative that you wear these on the day of the interview. If you do not own a pair, please do the courteous thing and call ahead to the KCOU office to let them know you will be withdrawing your application.

ACCESSORIES
Yes.

QUESTION TIME

As is tradition, you would have likely entered the office for your interview by now. There are a multitude of questions you can be asked here, and while I can’t give you all the answers despite the fact I know them all (I’m really smart), I can prepare you as best I can for some classic questions that might stump a potential new (unpaid) hire.

Q: What was your name again?
A: Do not answer this question. Never give out personal information to strangers.

Q: Watched any good movies lately?
A: Just say you haven’t watched anything. You’ve been listening to KCOU consecutively for three weeks and can no longer recognize the moving image.

Q: Did you see the big game last night?
A: This is the music department. A response of “yes” will lead to a citizen’s arrest before police arrive on the scene.

Q: 5 + 3 = ?
A: The correct answer here is 8.

Q: To what extent do you agree that the enigmatic writings of Jean-Paul Marat was the catalytic spark that ignited the French Revolution?
A: You fool. It was the ignorance of the lower classes and unjust rule of the despot King Louis XVI that demanded change in an evolving France.

BEWARE OF TRAPS

In this era of gotcha journalism, it should be no surprise that the interview and, to a greater extent, the station itself will be laced with traps. Anything can be a trick to get you to slip up and become the laughingstock of the back corner of the student center for the next two weeks. Keep your eyes peeled for the following:

TRAP: The interviewer extends their hand for a handshake
WHY?: You’re leaving yourself exposed to a “too slow” manoeuvre. These people are vultures.

TRAP: You get asked about your favourite artists / albums.
WHY?: Never, ever share a music opinion. Ever.

TRAP: The band ‘Wet Lettuce’ gets brought it up discussion.
WHY?: A classic case of a KCOU member making up a fake band name. There are so many to look out for: ‘Wet Lettuce’, ‘Big Music Band’, ‘Clinical Depression’ and ‘Radiohead’ are more bands that DO NOT EXIST and should be ignored.

TRAP: A man with an Australian accent talks to you in the KCOU studio.
WHY?: This man is not from Australia. His name is Raymond and he is from Lincoln, Nebraska. Do not approach him.

TRAP: You are told your interview is over and you’re free to leave
WHY?: If you never leave the station, they can’t NOT hire you.

So that concludes your preparedness kit for your KCOU interview. To all applicants, I wish the best of luck in all your future radio endeavors.

If this blog helped you, make sure to mention it in an interview for a 20% discount to official Outback Funkhouse merch*. And finally, remember that of all the mid-Missouri student radio stations based on a college campus, KCOU is certainly one of them.

We’re only selling mousepads and pez dispensers*

**We’re not selling pez dispensers. This was a lie and I apologize.