Since Week 1 of the 2022 NFL season, I’ve written weekly recaps centered around quotes from The Office. I’ve had a lot of fun doing it! I’m not a big TV-watcher, but The Office is one of my favorites. Before the start of last season, I saw an opportunity to merge The Office with another favorite thing of mine – the NFL – and turn it into a weekly recap piece, which I’ve done and have enjoyed it a lot. 

However, we’re trying something new this week. As much fun as I have putting Michael Scott and Patrick Mahomes in the same sentence, I can’t get to every game that happened on Sunday in six quotes. While some games and storylines might naturally garner more attention than others, everyone deserves at least some attention.

Just like a great coach, we need to be a-ok making in-season adjustments, which is exactly what we’re doing here. I hope you enjoy this new format.  

Front page headlines 

Jesus Christ, it’s Josh Allen

Last week, Miami’s supernova offense had its biggest explosion yet. Their 70-point evisceration of a helpless Broncos defense required statisticians to sift through several decades worth of archives to find the last time an actual NFL team accomplished what Miami had. 

This week, Josh Allen and the Bills didn’t set records, but they romped the Fins like the Fins romped the Broncos last week. 

The game looked closer to Baylor-West Virginia than an NFL game to start, as the first five drives of the afternoon were all touchdowns. But the Bills were able to sustain a breakneck pace on offense, while the Dolphins faltered at the hands of the Buffalo defense.

Allen is at his best when he’s not playing football like it’s the last time he’ll ever be able to play. It’s an odd thing to say, especially because “play every game like it’s your last“ is a common piece of advice said to athletes from a very young age. Besides, the most YOLO-heavy version of Allen is beyond entertaining; he’s sailing footballs towards the moon at 100 miles per hour, and when he tucks and runs, Allen is reminiscent of an actual buffalo in the open field. 

In games like the opener against the Jets, for example, Allen YOLOd far too much. He forced a handful of throws that did not need to be made, and that led to momentum-killing turnovers. He tried to be Superman when the Bills just needed him to be Clark Kent. 

But when Allen does what a play is intended to do (with a little bit of YOLOing), Buffalo’s offense is able to reach heights like these. As long as the YOLOing is merely supplementary, this version of Buffalo’s offense should appear more often than not. Allen finished with as many passing touchdowns as he did incompletions (4). He registered the highest passer rating of his career. Allen’s performance was far from a highlight show, but that’s ok! He hit open receivers all afternoon, including Stefon Diggs, who couldn’t stop toasting Dolphins UDFA corner Kader Kohou. 

Defensively, the Bills accomplished the two things that kill the Dolphins offense; one was closing off the middle of the field. When Miami’s offense is clicking, Tua’s Next Gen Stats passing chart is littered with green dots near or in-between the hashes 10+ yards down the field. On Sunday, despite Tua completing over 70% of his passes, most of those green dots were skewed far left and right. Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle weren’t nearly as impactful as usual – the two combined for just seven catches. When you cut the head off the snake, the rest of the body suffers. 

The other way to contain Miami’s offense? Pressuring and sacking Tua. So much of what the Dolphins do on offense is predicated on Tua having a clean pocket and ample time to throw. While he’s an exceptional quarterback under ideal conditions, he’s not one that can make magic when a play breaks down. In Miami’s first three games, Tua had been pressured on just 21.2% of dropbacks according to NGS (lowest in the league), had been hit just five times and sacked only once. On Sunday, the Bills pressured Tua on 35.5% of his dropbacks, hit him nine times and sacked him four times. 

If I’m a Bills fan, I’m feeling great on Monday morning. Allen showed that he can be a terror while also being smart with the football. While scoring 48 points probably isn’t sustainable, this way of winning certainly is, especially come January when smart decision-making and sturdy defense are required for deep playoff runs.

The Chiefs win a weird one

Before I start, I’d like to deposit my one free Taylor Swift reference certificate. Ever since she captured the football world’s attention, I’ve been given an allowance of one free Taylor Swift reference certificate. 

Between the Jets and the Giants, normal football at MetLife Stadium has been a rare sight thus far, and it’s affected opposing teams as well. For example, Patrick Mahomes looked far from Mr. Perfectly Fine. Didn’t even make it to two grafs! Go me.

In all seriousness, Mahomes looked like the little aliens from “Space Jam” had taken a chunk of his football powers. His depth perception seemed to elude him multiple times, as the two interceptions he threw were well short of the intended target despite getting the pass off cleanly. His throws didn’t have the magical juice that propels them into receivers’ hands from seemingly any angle; in fact, it looked like there was no juice at all. 

Statistically, it was one of the worst games of Mahomes’ life. His 63.6 QBR was the fourth-worst of his NFL career. He had more interceptions than touchdowns for just the sixth time since September 2014, when he made his first start as a freshman at Texas Tech.

Most shockingly, however, it was the first time that Mahomes had been statistically outplayed by the opposing quarterback since college. He’s faced the league’s best countless times, and yet, it was Zach Wilson that became the first QB to ever have more completions, more passing yards, more passing touchdowns and fewer interceptions in a game than Mahomes since September 2014. More on Wilson in a bit. 

Inconsistent officiating notwithstanding, it was a clunky night for the Chiefs offense. Although Isiah Pacheco got going on the ground – he registered 115 rushing yards and a score while punishing the turf beneath him with every step – Kansas City’s normally-vaunted aerial attack still looked wobbly. Hopefully, they can “shake it o–

*computer explodes from one too many Taylor Swift references*

The best worst game of the year 

In case you were wondering, my computer actually didn’t explode. But it might’ve had I turned on Broncos-Bears. 

Watching them play each other was supposed to be visually corrosive. Although the game wasn’t played on Thursday night, it had the energy of a contest that should’ve had a bewildered Al Michaels on the call with a national audience pondering whether either franchise should consider folding.

Instead, it was…terribly un-terrible? I don’t quite know how to describe it. Justin Fields looked the best he had all season, as completions in the flat and down the field felt like less of a chore than it had been in previous weeks. In the second half, however, Chicago took the opposite of “Michael’s Secret Stuff” and reverted back to the ways of a losing football team en route to a stunning defeat. 

On the other hand, the Broncos defense might be…no, they are one of the worst defenses in recent memory, but they still came back from 21 points down in the third quarter to walk out of Soldier Field with a victory. 

Football!

Quick(ish) hitters 

The quarterback play is (probably) going to be up and down all season

Two weeks ago, I proclaimed that league-wide quarterback play in the NFL had never been better. Last week, I brought back that statement after a chunk of QB’s had not-so-good days at the office. 

This week, I’m here to plant a flag that I do not intend to move: league-wide quarterbacking is going to be up and down all season long. 

Maybe it was me wanting to have a cool take that’d look real nice at the end of the season. Maybe it was me being over-impressed with Jimmy Garoppolo playing okay. Whatever the reason, I was wrong twice regarding this topic.

Every week, a handful of quarterbacks will play well, and another handful won’t. Some weeks will look like the level of QB play league-wide is at an all-time high, while other weeks will look like anything but. 

This week followed that sentiment. Some quarterbacks, like Lamar Jackson, Justin Herbert, Matthew Stafford and Anthony Richardson, all looked like wizards and cyborgs. On the other hand, Kenny Pickett, Mac Jones, Daniel Jones and Desmond Ridder looked limited, bad, or both. 

This wasn’t a very flavorful take, but one that I had to get out there. Let’s talk about something a tad more interesting. 

The 3-1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (!)

To preface, whoever wins the NFC South probably won’t make much noise come playoff time. Neither of the Bucs, Falcons, Panthers or Saints look particularly dangerous thus far comparatively to other contenders. Come January, the winner of the NFC South playing the first NFC Wild Card could easily be similar to Washington, Michigan State and Cincinnati playing Alabama in the College Football Playoff. 

The NFC South reminds me of a passage from “22 Goals”, a series from The Ringer’s Brian Phillips in which, leading up to the 2022 FIFA Men’s World Cup, wrote essays about 22 of the most important goals in World Cup history. In his essay about Argentina legend Diego Maradona’s “Hand of God” goal in the 1986 World Cup, Phillips wrote this when entailing Maradon’s upbringing in Villa Fiorito, a small city in Argentina south of Buenos Aires. 

“{Diego’s} English biographer, Jimmy Burns, tells a story about how, when Diego was a toddler, he lost his way in the dark and fell into an outdoor cesspit. An open-air sewer. Little Diego is drowning in excrement; up above his head there are stars. His uncle is trying to get down to him, and he keeps calling out, ‘Diegito, keep your head above the sh**.’ Great advice in general. Also, in his case, a prophecy. So much of Diego’s future life will be about trying, sometimes successfully, often not successfully, to keep his head above the sh**.”

Winning the NFC South is going to be determined by who can keep their head above sh** the best, and through four games, it’s been the Buccaneers. Amidst a litany of clunkers and low-scoring affairs, Baker Mayfield and Tampa Bay’s defense have risen to the occasion when it mattered the most.

The main reason for my hesitance to pick the Bucs to win the NFC South was Mayfield. The Bucs still had a bunch of quality starters that’d helped them to playoff berths in each of the past three seasons, but the likelihood of Mayfield’s tenure in Tampa Bay flaming out like it did in Cleveland and Carolina felt high. Besides, there’ve been plenty of instances where a disastrous QB situation can single-handedly tank a team.  

But Mayfield has looked a-ok thus far. He’s been far from perfect, but a-ok seems to do just better than a-ok against other NFC South teams. There’s a noticeable confidence with Mayfield that he had at Oklahoma that’s been absent over the past few seasons. While the cannons may not be blasting very loudly, at this pace, it might just be loud enough to get Mayfield & Co. into the playoffs. 

Trick plays are still cool and hip 

The NFL isn’t normally a place for intentional shenanigans. The goofs usually come from players or coaches doing something unintentional. While there was plenty of that on Sunday, there were also a couple of instances of calculated funnies, and they both worked. 

Amidst the worst beatdown of Bill Belichick’s NFL coaching career, the Cowboys pulled off a fake extra point against the man who prides himself on having his special teams unit be top-notch. That’s like if Iowa football got 50+ points hung on them; not only did they get blown out, they were outplayed in the one aspect of the game they pride themselves on being good at!

In Nashville, where the Titans handled the spiraling Bengals, Derrick Henry threw a jump pass for a touchdown. Jump passes will never not be cool. Let’s keep doing more of them. 

Seahawks 24, Giants 3

I’ll pass. 

Awards and superlatives 

Fever Dream Award: Falcons-Jaguars in London on a Toy Story-themed broadcast

Last season, I thought Russell Wilson throwing a pick-six with Patrick Star doing play-by-play in a 51-14 loss to the Rams was peak fever dream football. Then, Desmond Ridder threw a pick-six in London and Andy’s bedroom at the same time. 

This broadcast also got me thinking: what other animated movie/TV show-themed broadcast would be fun to watch? The NFL has catered to young children with games on Nickelodeon and Disney, and both were great ideas. However, I think it’s time to cater to older audiences. 

I don’t know how the logistics of this would work out, but a South Park-themed NFL game (that preferably includes the Broncos) being broadcasted on Comedy Central might be awesome. Get Trey Parker and Matt Stone on the call as Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny with Tom Thompson as the sideline reporter. I might watch that over the ManningCast. 

Side note: if we can get first down measurements via a virtual Slinky backing his rear up using Hawkeye technology, I feel like we can do away with elderly men manually moving the chains. That’s just me though. 

Goofiest Coaching Matchup of the Year Award (so far): Brandon Staley vs. Josh McDaniels

The funniest head coaches aren’t the ones who not only make a silly/infuriating/loss-causing mistake; rather, it’s the ones that do it continuously that are the funniest of the bunch.

Case in point, if you like dumbfounding late-game head coaching, the end of Raiders-Chargers was your Super Bowl.  

Last week, Staley faced harsh criticism for not only going for a fourth-and-one inside of LA’s own 25-yard line and not getting it, but giving the ball to his worst performing skill player on the most crucial play of the game. Facing an almost identical scenario against the Raiders – it was a fourth-and-one inside of LA’s 35-yard line late in the fourth quarter – you might think that Staley would’ve learned his lesson from just one week ago.

He had learned nothing. 

Actually, he did learn something in that a QB sneak with his 6’6”, 240-pound QB was a better idea than a handoff to Joshua Kelly. However, the result was the same; the tush-push that the Eagles have mastered didn’t work for the Chargers.

To be fair to Staley, ESPN’s analytics model actually said that going for it in both situations was the correct call. But the model I like better (my eyes and brain) said that was NOT a good decision at all. 

This got me thinking: are the Chargers just the Los Angeles Angels of the NFL? They have incredibly talented players who seem to leave us bewildered with amazing physical or statistical feats every week, but it all almost goes to waste with poor roster construction and management. Last week, Herbert and Keenan Allen both had the best statistical games of their careers that was almost ruined by one poor coaching decision. This week, Khalil Mack had six sacks, and Herbert fought through a finger injury that he described using a Monty Python quote after the game, but it was almost all for naught had McDaniels not one-upped Staley a few minutes later.

The Raiders had a chance to tie the game. They were inside of LA’s five-yard line. On first down, McDaniels not only didn’t call a run, but he called a passing play that was a) previously unsuccessful, and b) not to Davante Adams. The result? An interception. 

I expect to be writing something of a similar subject about at least one of these two next week. 

Should’ve Had Some Guts and Taken This Guy First Overall in Fantasy Leagues Award: Christian McCaffrey

Against the Cardinals, Christian McCaffrey scored 48.7 PPR points, which was his fifth career game of 40+ PPR points. His 48.7 points were also more than the following players had combined

• Kenny Pickett 
• Joe Burrow 
• Bryce Young 
• Desmond Ridder 
• Geno Smith 
• Daniel Jones 

He currently leads all players in PPR points, and the gap between him and the RB2 in total points (Raheem Mostert) is the same as the gap between Mostert and Derrick Henry, who’s the RB11. Seems pretty good to me!

Most L’s taken in one sequence: Kirk Cousins

Throwing a pick-six is bad. Throwing a pick-six at the goal-line is worse. Throwing a pick-six at the goal-line, then getting destroyed on the return is even worse.

I must give props to Cousins for hustling almost 70 yards to track down Sam Franklin Jr. on the return. I also must give props to D’Shawn Jamison (#29 on Carolina) for engaging in DK Metcalf-on-Budda-Baker Mode to wreck Cousins and clear Franklin’s path to the end zone. Thankfully for Cousins, the Vikings hung on to win, so I guess his compound blooper can be swept under the rug. 

Storyline that deserves more attention 

The Houston Texans should be America’s team

The underdog is the fuel of countless classic stories. David and Goliath. Rudy. The Karate Kid. Me making it to my 8 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays (Professor Dickson, if you see this, I’m joking.)

For NFL fans looking for an underdog story to root for, the Houston Texans have become one over the first few weeks of the season. DeMeco Ryans’ group was projected to win 5-6 games at the beginning of the year, and so far, they look like the best team in the NFC South. 

Despite having a beaten up offensive line, Stroud hasn’t just looked exceptional, he’s looked sustainable. Pressure hasn’t seemed to deter him (in part because there was none on Sunday), as he didn’t get sacked once. His throws are accurate and on-time. Everything that was considered a plus at Ohio State has looked even better in Houston. Against a Steelers offense that looks inept, the Texans looked the opposite. Best of all, Stroud’s talking confidently, too.

“We’re fighting our tails off every day to make sure y’all walk around with Texans gear pride,” Stroud said after Houston’s 30-6 destruction of Pittsburgh. “Y’all walk around with that swag that we walk around with when we get a W.”

Elsewhere, Nico Collins has shockingly turned into a WR1. Offensive coordinator Bobby Slowik hasn’t let a battered offensive line and below-average receiving group hold the Texans back, as his play calling has been smart and has consistently put Houston in advantageous situations. Houston hasn’t been as prolific defensively, but a lot of their young core has flashed thus far. 

We saw it in Houston’s final regular season game last year; you know, the one where they enacted two miracles on one drive to beat the Colts, cost themselves the first overall pick and got Lovie Smith fired. The players don’t care about next year’s draft; they’ve got jobs to do! Unlike last January, the plausibility of a playoff appearance seems to be pretty high for the Texans as long as they keep playing like this. The coaches are happy, the players are happy, and the vibes are high in Space City. I’d hop on the positivity rocketship before it’s too late. 

Quote of the week: “He’s continuing to get better week in and week out, and he’s continuing to lead week in and week out…Zach Wilson is special. You just gotta give the guy time.” – Chris Jones on Zach Wilson

For any aspiring journalists out there, I’d highly advise you to not do what Rodney Harrison did on NBC’s Sunday Night Football postgame show. Harrison, a former standout NFL defensive back who’s now a part of NBC’s SNF crew, tried to bait Chris Jones into saying something negative about Wilson after the game by calling him “garbage”. Jones responded with a classy statement about Wilson’s gradual improvement.  

While I don’t necessarily agree with Jones in that Wilson is special, Sunday night saw drastic improvement from Wilson, both on and off the field. 

On the field, Wilson became the first quarterback to ever statistically outduel Patrick Mahomes, as noted earlier. Wilson had the best single-game combination of production and efficiency performance of his career. He made a handful of high-level plays: back shoulder fade? Check. Laser beam to an open receiver for a touchdown? Check. Scramble drill wizardry to pick up a two-point conversion? Check!

However, I’m willing to argue that Wilson seemed to have improved off the field more than he had on the field. Last season, not only was Wilson an utter disaster, he refused to take blame for his play that was clearly holding the team back and was ultimately benched.

Sunday saw a complete reversal of that mentality. Towards the end of Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs, Allen Lazard and Randall Cobb looked like they were trying to cheer up a clearly distraught Wilson on the sidelines. A few moments later, Wilson could be seen mouthing on the sidelines “I lost the game. It’s my fault, bro” to recently-signed backup QB Trevor Simeien, who had his arm around Wilson trying to console him. After the game, Wilson told reporters “I lost us that game.”

While Wilson had fumbled late in the game, he was most definitely not the reason the Jets fell to the Chiefs; in fact, he was arguably the opposite. Patrick Mahomes, LeBron James and basically everyone who watched agreed that Wilson played well. The fact that a) his teammates were there to pick him up when he got down on himself, and b) he held himself accountable (even though, again, the loss wasn’t on him) makes me think there could be brighter days ahead for Gang Green.  

Finally, this is a wildly impressive performance of mental strength. Everyone and their mother has wanted Wilson gone from New York for a long time. Even Joe Namath, the best and most accomplished QB in Jets history, straight up said that Wilson needed to go. Instead of mentally folding, Wilson responded to the sea of criticism with the best game of his career. 

Can Wilson keep this up? I’m not sure. Like Jones said, we might just have to give him some time. Even if Wilson can’t keep this up, the signs he showed on Sunday night were certainly encouraging.

QC’s Neat-O Stat of the Week 

Brock Purdy had as many incompletions on Sunday (1) as the amount of touchdowns the Giants have scored against teams not named the Cardinals so far this season.

I will now watch Jalen Brunson highlights to cleanse my palette.