For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Tua Tagovailoa. Oh, what a beautiful world that is. 

For those who have watched “The Office”, you might know that Michael meant to say that his mind was going a million miles an hour, but he thought the saying was a single mile instead of a million. For me, this quote represents how fast our collective minds were going during the end of the early afternoon slate of games; they were going so fast that we couldn’t produce coherent thoughts or sentences. 

In football, the “witching hour” refers to the time between the end of the early afternoon slate of games and the beginning of the evening slate of games. It’s basically a football equinox, as so much is happening at one time. Today’s witching hour was, uh, eventful!

In the span of about 15 minutes:

• The Dolphins overcame their punter punting the ball off of his own teammate’s butt for a safety with 93 seconds left to beat the Super Bowl favorite Bills in an instant classic, causing Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey to smash everything in sight in the coach’s box.
• The Colts, fresh off of being shutout by the Jaguars and looking anything but dangerous on both sides of the ball, defeated the Chiefs, a Super Bowl favorite that had put up 71 points in their first two games, with a final score of 20-17. This is despite Matt Ryan fumbling twice, bringing his season total to seven through three games, and Jonathan Taylor rushing under 75 yards for the second consecutive game.
• The Bears, who have had a checkered history of kicking in the clutch, defeated the Texans on a buzzer-beating field goal from Cairo Santos. They were led by a 169-yard, two touchdown day from…Khalil Herbert.
• Down eight and facing a fourth and goal from the Titans’ nine-yard line, Derek Carr threw up a prayer to Mack Hollins, who proceeded to moss Terrance Mitchell and keep the game alive. However, the Raiders couldn’t convert the game-tying two-point conversion, and the Titans picked up their first win of 2022. Also, Hollins, who’d never had a game with more than five receptions or 75 yards since he entered the league in 2017, finished the day with eight catches for 185 yards and a touchdown.
• After Lions kicker Austin Seibert missed his second field goal of the game with 1:14 to go in regulation, Kirk Cousins and K.J. Osborn turned into Joe Montana and Jerry Rice on a 53-yard game-winning touchdown drive that was eerily similar to Minnesota’s Week 5 victory over Detroit last season, when Cousins and Adam Thielen led a 46-yard drive in under 30 seconds that led to a game-winning field goal from Greg Joseph.

Similar to last year’s AFC Championship Game, this game saw both teams give everything they had; whoever won would feel like they’d won two games, and whoever lost would be absolutely devastated. Also similar to last year’s AFC Championship Game, the Bills walked away with the latter.

Both Buffalo and Miami got off to fast starts and both defenses locked down two offenses that have been amongst the most explosive in the league thus far. After Tua Tagovailoa found River Cracraft for a touchdown with 6:45 left in the second quarter, there wasn’t another touchdown until Chase Edmonds found paydirt with just over ten minutes left to give the Dolphins a 21-17 lead. 

What happened after that was…honestly, I’ve run out of synonyms for “wild”, so I’ll just give a synopsis. On fourth and goal, the Bills need a touchdown to extend the game. Isaiah McKenzie sprung open, but Josh Allen underthrew him for a gut-wrenching turnover on downs. However, the Bills forced a three-and-out with the ball on the Miami one-yard line, and what happens next is something I’ve never seen before. 

Desperate to get the kick off, Dolphins punter Thomas Morstead, who has been punting NFL footballs since 2009, got the punt off before the Dolphins rush could get home…the only problem is that Morstead kicked the ball directly into the backside of the upback, Trent Sherfield, and the ball sailed out of the back of the end zone for a safety. We had the Butt Fumble. We had the Butt Interception. Now, we’ve completed the butt trilogy across all three facets of the game with the Butt Punt. 

After the Butt Punt, the Bills had a chance to win the game with a field goal. With 18 seconds left and no timeouts, Allen Houdini’d his way out of a seemingly imminent sack and pitched the ball to McKenize, who was tackled in bounds. Despite rushing to the line of scrimmage as fast as possible, time ran out on Buffalo, the Dolphins celebrated, and ENTER ANGRY KEN DORSEY.

There wasn’t much here other than that Ken Dorsey smashed some headphones and paper in anger. A fellow Bills coach smartly covered the camera that was filming Dorsey to keep the Bills OC from being the template of even more memes. 

In terms of takeaways, the Bills were beaten by the heat on Sunday. Numerous starters, including Stefon Diggs, were out of the game for extended stretches due to heat-related illnesses from a hot and humid day in south Florida. Buffalo was also down numerous members of the secondary to start the game, yet only allowed six catches to Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle. Josh Allen played exceptional, the defense played well, and Buffalo is still the cream of the crop in the AFC. However, let’s not ignore the fact that the Dolphins are 3-0 with wins over New England, Baltimore and now Buffalo. Miami’s defense forced four Buffalo fumbles, hit Allen ten times and registered nine passes defended. Sometimes, it’s okay to come out of a game saying that both teams are in very good shape, even if one team lost, and that’s exactly the case here. 

Nine three-and-outs. 3.7 yards per play, which, over an entire season, would’ve been the worst since the 2004 Bears. 11 points scored, which has only happened 26 other times in NFL history. Well, technically nine, because two of those points came from Jimmy Garoppolo activating the Dan Orlovsky X-factor ability. 

Sure, I understand the 49ers have a really good defense. But something is wrong. Denver’s offense looks broken, disconnected and out of sync. Why?

My best answer would be two things. One, the offensive line isn’t good enough. They haven’t created enough running lanes for Javonte Williams and Melvin Gordon III, even though Williams’ uncanny ability to keep churning after contact seems to mitigate this. Passing-wise, Russell Wilson is not one to throw the ball quickly; since Next Gen Stats has tracked average time to throw in 2016, Wilson has been one of the 12 slowest quarterbacks from snap to throw in all but two seasons. A below-average pass-blocking offensive line can be mitigated by a quarterback who gets the ball out fast, but Wilson isn’t that. He’s always been one to improvise and extend plays, which played a part in him being the most sacked quarterback from 2012-2020.

This leads me into my next reason why I think the Broncos offense is struggling: there’s little structure to it. Obviously, the Broncos are calling set plays that have structured routes and blocking schemes and all the normal stuff you’d see in an offense, but here’s the thing: Russell Wilson doesn’t care. He’ll do whatever he wants. He’s been like this since his early days in Seattle. No matter the offense, Wilson will improvise and embark on an adventure into the unknown. No one really knows where the ball is going to go, and that can make it difficult for receivers to ride the same wavelength as Wilson. 

If the offensive line can’t improve and Russell Wilson doesn’t change his play style, Broncos country will be riding into, at best, a Wild Card round defeat. For as much as I’d like to see Broncos fans rewarded for chipping in to help with game clock management, the offense isn’t good enough right now to take down the AFC’s top contenders. 

It’s easy to think you can defend DeVonta Smith. I mean, look at him! hOw iS hE gOiNg tO cReAtE sEpArAtiOn? hOw iS hE gOiNg tO dEaL wItH tHe pHySiCaLiTy oF tHe nFl?

If we’ve learned anything dating back to Smith’s days at Alabama, you don’t mess with him, because it can get real ugly. It got real ugly against the Commanders.

His first big play of the day shouldn’t have counted; Smith didn’t get two feet in bounds on a deep shot from Jalen Hurts, but Ron Rivera didn’t throw the challenge flag in time. Nevertheless, Smith lulled Benjamin St.-Juste on his first few steps, burned him down the right sideline and made a spectacular over-the-shoulder grab for a 45-yard gain. 

However, it wasn’t until towards the end of the first half where Smith really turned heads. With the ball on the Washington 45-yard line, Jalen Hurts dropped back and launched a jump ball to Smith, who’d run a deep post into double coverage. Most receivers wouldn’t have won this battle; DeVonta Smith, however, is not like most receivers. Smith leapt approximately 25 feet in the air and made the incredible catch over Kendall Fuller to set up Philadelphia with a first-and-goal inside the Washington five-yard line.

Four plays later, on fourth and goal, Hurts once again looked Smith’s way; this time, he was blanketed by Fuller in the back left corner of the end zone. Most receivers wouldn’t have won this battle, but once again, SMITH AIN’T LIKE MOST RECEIVERS. Smith went right up over the top of Fuller and dunked on him for a touchdown. Smith essentially turned Fuller into Brandon Knight for a drive. 

Smith did most of his work finding soft spots in the Washington defense and picking up chunk gains that way. There were a couple of plays where he caught it in the flat and simply outran everyone for a substantial gain. Smith finished the afternoon with eight catches for 169 yards and a touchdown. 

When will we learn? When will we learn to accept that, when a football player shows that they are exceptional against high level competition for a long time that they’re probably going to be really good as a professional? I guess subconscious bias is a real thing. We saw it with Kevin Durant. We saw it with Stephen Curry. Just because a guy is skinny doesn’t mean they can’t be exceptional. Cheers to you, Skinny Batman. 

Watching Kyler Murray run around with “Yakety Sax” playing in your head is wildly entertaining. Watching Murray complete passes to all of his receivers that are under 5’10” is inherently funny. Watching opposing defenses get “Dortch’d” has become a fun new thing to look out for when watching Cardinals games. 

But similarly to relying on Uber Eats for every meal as a broke college student, the Cardinals offense is unsustainable. Why?

Their offensive line isn’t good. Their running game is poor; James Conner’s 1.6 yards before contact and 3.0 yards per attempt are both worse than Najee Harris and Saquon Barkley’s, two guys that are known to get hit at and behind the line of scrimmage often. They don’t have a red zone threat on the outside. Most importantly, the burden is too heavy on Murray to make magic happen. Arizona’s offense has essentially been “Kyler, do something!” While he’s been able to pull incredible plays out of his rear, most notably his Seneca Wallace-esque scramble against the Raiders last week, that cannot be Arizona’s primary way of succeeding on offense. 

Yes, I know DeAndre Hopkins will alleviate some of the stress of Murray and make the Cardinals offense better. But right now, it lacks structure, and as mentioned before, it’s difficult to succeed in a non-structured offense. 

I knew this was going to happen. 

I knew that, after Odell Beckham Jr.’s catch heard ‘round the world in 2014, people were going to try and dethrone OBJ’s receiving masterpiece the second a similar catch was made. Sure enough, that time came last Thursday night in Cleveland. 

I’ll preface with this: Pickens’ catch was incredible. Mitch Trubisky’s back shoulder fade was a little too back shoulder-y, yet Pickens was able to contort his body, extend his right arm and muster up the coordination to corral one of the crazier catches I’ve seen in my lifetime. The Odell comparisons had arisen. Even Darelle Revis called Pickens’ snag the greatest ever.

I don’t mean to be an Oscar the Grouch about this, but OBJ’s catch still holds the top spot amongst greatest catches in NFL history. Let’s break it down. 

Regarding the actual catch, I’d say both OBJ’s and Pickens’ were of similar degrees of difficulty in terms of where the ball was in relation to their bodily position. However, OBJ had to fight through a pass interference from Marcus Carr, and also scored a touchdown. 

We also must consider the situation. While Pickens’ catch was in front of a national audience, it happened on the road; there was no mass reaction from the fans in attendance, which often enhances the effect of an all-time sports moment. In 2014, the Sunday night Giants crowd roared in bewildered excitement and continued to buzz long after the catch.  

We must also consider the national reaction at the time of the catch, before the replay was shown. With Pickens, a replay was needed to process how good of a catch Pickens had just made, then everyone went bananas. 

When OBJ’s catch happened, the Internet instantly broke. On the broadcast, Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth struggled to audibly comprehend what they had just witnessed. My 10-year old self had just experienced a core memory; it joined the special collection of sports moments (both good and bad) where I remember exactly where I was when it happened. While the catch also looked cooler in replay, it still felt unreal even before the replay was shown. 

Finally, the lasting impact of the catch must be considered. The effect of OBJ’s catch is unrivaled; it could be felt at every level of football. “Odell me!” became a household phrase during football catches to indicate that you wanted to make a one-handed snag. The desire to mimic Odell’s three-fingered sorcery could be seen on playgrounds, high school fields or anywhere where throwing a football was commonplace. Odell ignited a one-handed catch revolution that has enveloped the NFL as much as it has your local park. Not many athletes can say they changed the way a sport is played, especially with just one play. 

I rest my case. If you made it this far, I greatly appreciate you. Have yourself a wonderful week. 

All gifs credited to YARN