For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office.” I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
Quote: “I am a black belt in gift wrapping.” – Jim Halpert
Subject: Marcus Jones, the special teams connoisseur, returning a punt for the win
The punt and kickoff return touchdowns are a couple of the most electrifying plays in American football. While objectively dangerous, the concept is thrilling; the returner stands far away from everyone else, valiantly awaiting an onslaught of defenders charging full speed at them a-la Jon Snow in Game of Thrones. If the returner is able to dip, dodge, duck and zoom past 11 headless chickens that also happen to be athletic superstars, it can create some of the most exhilarating “holy moly, I can’t believe he just did that” moments ever.
However, I believe the punt return is more exciting than the kick return (sorry, Cordarelle Patterson). On a kickoff, the returner never has to worry about a defender hitting them when they catch the ball (should they choose to catch and return it, which doesn’t happen very much anyways). The kickoff is almost always taken from the same spot, everyone is set up in the same spot, and unless the kicker slips or a surprise onside kick attempt fails spectacularly, executing a kickoff is fairly simple, and the result is usually uneventful.
The punt return, on the other hand, possesses a far higher ceiling for an epic roller coaster ride. The punt can be taken from anywhere on the field; executing a punt can also be difficult, which has created some memorable moments at both the college and professional level in recent years.
Once the punt is airborne, the onus suddenly becomes heavy on the returner; not only do they have to worry about catching the punt (whose distance, hang time and rotation can vary drastically), but they also have to worry about the opponent sprinting full-speed at them. The stress levels of a punt returner far exceed those of a kick returner, which brings us to Sunday’s contest between the Jets and Patriots.
In a season where there have been a lot of snooze fests, this one might’ve taken the cake. Gang Green’s 103 total yards on offense were their worst since, well, ten months ago. Zach Wilson completed less than 41% of his passes and, despite the Jets defense playing exceptionally, didn’t seem to take any blame for New York’s offensive struggles after the game, which I’m certain will do wonders for team chemistry (oh! It appears it already has.). The two teams combined for 16 total punts, and with the game tied at three with 26 seconds left in regulation, the Jets lined up for punt #17 on their own 32-yard line.
Enter Marcus Jones, New England’s punt returner. Although he’s a rookie, Jones is a seasoned veteran when it comes to returning punts…and kicks! In fact, Jones was statistically one of the best returners in the history of college football. Normally, you’re either good at returning punts or kicks – there’s usually no in-between. Dante Pettis, who holds the NCAA record for career punt return touchdowns with nine, never fielded a punt at Washington, and four of the five players who took an NCAA record seven kickoffs for scores combined for only 19 career punt returns.
Jones was different. At Troy and Houston, Jones became just the 13th player in Division I history to record at least three punt and kick return touchdowns. Not even guys like Devin Hester and Ace Sanders who turned punt returns into art forms are a part of that elite company. While Jones’ small stature limited his ceiling as an NFL cornerback prospect, his special teams prowess was described as “game-breaking” and “shop-wrecking” heading into the 2022 NFL Draft. Jones wasn’t one to juke defenders out of their shoes; rather, Jones often made one cut, turned on the afterburners and was in the end zone before you could say “huh, I might have to add ‘shop-wrecking’ to my NFL Draft vernacular.”
Now that we’re aware of the savant awaiting the punt, let’s resume action. Once again, the scoreboard looks closer to a New York-Boston baseball game rather than a New York-Boston football game late in the fourth quarter. Nothing remotely exciting has happened; the fans are waiting for something to give.
Although Thomas Morstead gets pretty good distance on the punt, the ball’s lack of hang time gives Jones a cushion as he fields it inside of his own 20. In what feels like a blink of an eye, Jones makes a cut, finds a seam, and as he blazes past Morstead, you can feel the hearts of Jets fans sink like the Titanic as Jones heroically crosses the goal line with five seconds remaining that sends the once sleepy Gillette Stadium into a complete frenzy.
11 weeks into the season, Jones’ heart-stopper was the first punt return touchdown of 2022. It was also the first game-winning punt return touchdown since DeSean Jackson’s buzzer-beating triumph against the Giants back in 2010 that we do not speak of in our Big Blue-supporting household. Funny enough, this wasn’t even Jones’ first game-winning return, as he took a kickoff 100 yards to the house with 30 seconds left to beat SMU last October.
A couple of things. One, what a fantastic use of physics by Jones. Remember how I said that one of the most fun parts of a punt return is the fact that the punt coverage team is charging at the punt returner like they were shot out of military cannons? While it can create human car crashes, it can also leave the defenders susceptible to badly missing the returner all together because they’re literally running too fast, which is what happened here. If we take a gander at the view behind Jones, his initial cut throws off the trajectories of at least five white jerseys. At that point, all he needed were a couple of blocks (which he got), and that was all she wrote.
Finally, I’ll reiterate the question that my dad probably screamed bewilderingly at our television 12 years ago: WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST KICK IT OUT OF BOUNDS??? You never, ever, EVER, *Smalls from The Sandlot voice* EH-VUR give the other team a chance to create a big return late in a close game, especially with a guy of Jones’ caliber waiting downfield. Unlike kickoffs, there’s no penalty for punting the ball out of bounds, and what was Zach Wilson going to do, complete multiple passes in a row with 20 seconds left and only one timeout? Now, the Patriots are right back in the AFC Playoff race, while the Jets squandered a real chance to put themselves on a much clearer path to the playoffs.
And then these same Jets fans probably had to watch RJ Barrett play basketball. Yikes.
Quote: “I intend to lead you into the black with ferocity.” – Dwight Schrute
Subject: Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce coming through in the clutch once again
There are certain situations in life that bring out certain versions of people. Perhaps your friend turns into Bobby Fischer when you play chess with them, or your uncle turns into an unreliable football encyclopedia during the Thanksgiving games. For Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce, the two simply evolve into something close to football immortals when the Chiefs are down a score late in the game.
We know how Mahomes transcends the quarterback position. He can throw bullets from all kinds of arm angles to really any spot on the field while also possessing the vision of a hawk; it’s very clear how Mahomes is able to dice up defenses, especially in crunch time. Kelce, on the other hand, is different. There’s not one thing that’s inherently special about Kelce; he’s not blazing fast, nor is he a physical outlier. His Relative Athletic Score of 9.29 is elite, but it’s nothing we’ve never seen before. He just…gets open. He always finds a way, and Sunday night was yet another example of that.
Even prior to Kansas City’s game-winning drive, Kelce was dominating, reeling in five catches for 98 yards and two touchdowns. Kelce’s second touchdown was his tenth of the season, the seventh time since 2017 in which a tight end has caught double-digit touchdowns in a single season…and three of those were by Kelce.
Let’s take a look at Kelce’s second touchdown of the game, because I find it particularly interesting.
Tight ends aren’t supposed to do this.
Usually, when tight ends make a catch, they don’t advance very far after. They’re the opposite YAC (yards after catch) machines; in fact, there’s a Twitter account specifically dedicated to tracking if Zach Ertz breaks a tackle (Ertz is one of the most notoriously anti-YAC players in the league). The YAC superstars are usually speedy wide receivers like Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle…and Kelce. Kelce has been an outlier amongst tight ends in not only yards after the catch, but yards after contact and broken tackles. Kelce and George Kittle are the only active tight ends who can not only stay upright after a reception, but can shake off defenders as well.
Which brings us to the final 1:46 of regulation in Sunday night’s AFC West battle between the Chiefs and the Chargers. Josh Palmer just reeled in his second score of the game to put the “home” team up by four. Usually, when a team scores a go-ahead touchdown in the final two minutes of a game, the reaction is something like “Wow, that was a nice touchdown! That team is now in a fantastic position to win the game!” Instead, because of both teams’ reputations in crunch time, we got reactions like this.
There are 37 seconds left. With the Chiefs inside of LA’s red zone, Mahomes takes the snap. He has time, too much time, enough time to where you likely think “someone’s gotta be open.” Sure enough, Kelce is open on a crossing route, because of course he is. As he catches the ball, Derwin James is in his wake. He’s the only Charger defender with a shot at stopping Kelce before the end zone.
Now, James is one of the best safeties in football and also happens to be insanely athletic. James ran a sub-4.5 40-yard dash at the NFL Combine. His 9.35 Relative Athletic Score speaks for itself. Against Kelce, however, James can only make a flailing dive at Kelce’s feet, and to no avail. Chargers safety JT Woods tries to lay the boom on Kelce as he crosses the goal line, but he completely whiffs. It’s almost like there’s some invisible force field around Kelce that prevents even the most athletic of defenders from seriously affecting his path.
We all knew it. We could all feel it. It was always inevitable. There was no stopping it. There are some moments in life where you don’t really know how it happens, but it happens, and you can only stare in a dazed amazement.
It’s when Stephen Curry miraculously wiggles himself free for a seemingly impossible three-pointer, only it wasn’t miraculous or impossible at all, because he’s Stephen freaking Curry. It’s when Connor McDavid stunningly teleports through four opposing jerseys and dekes the goalie out of his skates for a goal in approximately 2.7 seconds, only there was actually nothing stunning about it because it’s Connor bleeping McDavid.
Sports megastars have a tendency to desensitize us to amazing sports feats. When Curry or McDavid put on their magician hats and become modern day Houdinis, they’ve reached a level so far above their counterparts that, when they do something amazing, we just sit there saying “of course.” Because of course Curry hits that three. Of course McDavid scores that goal. And of course, Mahomes and Kelce connect for a game-winning touchdown.
Quote: “I don’t care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.” – Michael Scott
Subject: Tony Pollard and Ezekiel Elliott
Picture a friend of yours that had some really cool toy or activity as a kid; for my sake, I’m going to pick a trampoline. Imagine your friend had a glamorous, state-of-the-art trampoline in their backyard; it was big, it had a basketball hoop, it was everything you could’ve wanted in a trampoline.
Now, imagine going into your friend’s backyard on a gorgeous summer afternoon, and you’re all giddy to hop on this trampoline, only for your friend to go to the other corner of their yard and reveal a much worse trampoline. This one is covered in rust, has multiple broken springs and generally looks like it had been bought decades ago. Here’s the dialogue that would likely ensue between you and your friend:
You (confused): “Why are we going on that one?”
Friend (begrudgingly): “We paid a lot of money for this trampoline.”
You (still confused): “So?”
Friend (even more begrudgingly): “Since we spent a lot on this trampoline about six years ago, my mom only lets me and whoever else is here go on the old one. Even though we got that new trampoline over there as a holiday gift from our neighbors, my mom feels like she has to justify her large purchase by having us use this rusty one even though we have a far better one sitting right over there.”
You (somehow even more confused): “That makes absolutely zero sense.”
Friend (somehow even more begrudgingly): “I know.”
This is the situation we have with Ezekiel Elliott and Tony Pollard (again). Amidst the Cowboys’ 40-3 annihilation of the Vikings that caused CBS to switch over to the Bengals-Steelers game before the fourth quarter had even started, Pollard shined, and Elliott was…meh. While Zeke had a couple of goal-line touchdowns, he only tallied 42 rushing yards on 15 carries.
Pollard, meanwhile, lit the turf on fire once again, tallying 189 yards from scrimmage and two receiving touchdowns, which included this absolute toasting of Jordan Hicks for a 68-yard house call.
This is Pollard’s fourth game this season with at least 100 yards from scrimmage; Elliott hasn’t reached that number in 399 days.
One of the best things you can do as a person in these kinds of situations is admit your mistake and make a decision that will be most beneficial in the future. Now, Zeke isn’t necessarily a “mistake” – he was one of the best running backs in football for several years not too long ago.
However, during that time, Zeke registered over 1,200 carries, and over the past few seasons, that’s appeared to have taken a toll on his explosiveness. Not only that, the Cowboys also have a Deebo Samuel-lite in their backfield that’s proven over the past few weeks that he’s the one that can wreck a defense both on the ground and through the air.
I understand the insistence by Jerry Jones and others in the Cowboys organization to get the most out of their top-five pick that they also gave a lot of money to. However, when there’s a clearly better option over said player, even if you only spent a fourth-round pick on them, playing them is the best option. Look at what Brian Daboll is doing in New York with Kenny Golladay. Sure, Golladay is making a lot more money than every other Giants receiver combined, but he hasn’t seen the field much because, well, other guys have played better than him! Playing time has been based on merit, not salary.
The Cowboys have a state-of-the-art trampoline in their backyard. It’s about time they start using it.
Quote: “I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it!” — Dwight Schrute
Subject: Bills fans helping their team get to Detroit
Josh Allen is a tall man. Standing at 6 feet 5 inches tall, the star quarterback is about eight inches taller than the average American male, who stands at approximately 5 feet 9 inches.
If Allen were to stand outside of Highmark Stadium in Orchard Park, NY, we wouldn’t have been able to see him because he’d be completely covered in snow.
Over the past few days, Buffalo has gotten hammered with snow, with Orchard Park (where the Bills play their home games) accumulating a mind-boggling 80 inches of snow as of Sunday evening.
We’ve seen teams play in heavy snow before. The Lions and Eagles trudged through an actual blizzard in 2013, with LeSean McCoy rushing for 217 yards and two touchdowns en route to a Philadelphia victory. Four years later, McCoy was a superstar in the snow once again, this time for the Bills in a 13-7 overtime victory over the Colts that saw Shady scamper for the game-winning score.
This time, however, was different. When Mother Nature entered her final form in western New York just prior to Sunday, Highmark Stadium looked like something out of The Day After Tomorrow.
Seeing that even getting to the stadium would be impossible, the NFL decided to move Buffalo’s Sunday afternoon contest against the Browns to Detroit. However, that would require the Bills to actually get out of the city, and driving through over six feet of snow is rather…difficult.
Thankfully, the “City of Good Neighbors” lived up to its nickname, as troves of random Buffaloians took to shoveling players’ driveways to at least help them get off of their property. Bills players took to social media to express their gratitude for the random acts of kindness.
Forget money. Forget on-field success. This is how you attract players to your team. Actually, don’t forget about the first two things I said. Those are very important aspects of team-building. My point is that a fanbase showing that they care about the players they support both on and off the field is extra awesome.
Because of the efforts of Bills fans, their team was able to get to Detroit, where they played in front of tens of thousands of Buffalo faithful that actually bought tickets to the game and won. Bills fans may have literally helped their team on their way to a hopeful Super Bowl run because they cared enough about their team. How can you not be romantic about sports?