For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office.” I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.

Quote: “Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.” — Dwight Schrute 

Subject: AJ Brown’s sweet revenge 

Close your eyes. Actually, don’t do that. You wouldn’t be able to read what I’m about to write. I’m off to a flying start here. 

Instead, picture this (that’s better!): You’re in an office, a principal-esque office. You know what, you’re in Michael Scott’s office. You’re sitting in Michael’s chair, and you represent the Tennessee Titans organization. You’re on your computer, doing NFL front office stuff (or maybe you’re playing CoolMathGames, I don’t know. I do that a lot) when suddenly, AJ Brown walks into your office unannounced.

Hold on. Let me rephrase that. Your 6’1”, 227-pound superstar wide receiver walks into your office. He’s pretty important. He’s on pace to become one of the best receivers in franchise history. He’s one half of what made Tennessee’s play-action game so lethal over the past few seasons. He’s a nightmare to cover one-on-one, yet also possesses terrifying speed and agility in the open field. Guarding Brown is like trying to tame an angry Rottweiler. Not a fun task!

So Brown is in your office, and he has a look in his eye. He wants something. His unsatisfied stare is piercing your heart like 1,000 arrows. You’re a little scared. You feel like a defensive back trying to guard him. Maybe he heard your incessant yelling after you died in Run 3 for the 27th time and wanted to offer some help? Nope. He wants a new contract. 

Alright, descend back to reality. What actually happens after this is a little…fuzzy. There are conflicting reports of what happened between Brown and the Titans during contract extension talks last offseason; whatever happened, the two sides were unable to come to an agreement, and Brown was eventually traded to the Eagles during last year’s draft for a couple of draft picks. Brown wasn’t too happy about the trade, but neither him nor the Titans expressed any harsh feelings towards each other. 

Normally, when a team makes a transaction during a draft – most commonly a draft pick — the TV network will show the team’s draft room shortly after the pick/trade is made. Oftentimes, the room is jubilant; guys are high-fiving, everyone is smiling, the vibes are through the roof. 

When the camera shot to Tennessee’s draft room after they traded Brown, everyone looked like they’d just been fired. Black clouds with frowny faces seemed to hang over Mike Vrabel as he paced about the room looking completely distraught. The Titans knew they’d let go of a superstar, and on Sunday, with vengeance on his mind, Brown matched up against the team that didn’t give him what he wanted. 

Brown feasted against a helpless Titans secondary, registering eight catches for 119 yards and two touchdowns in Philly’s blowout victory over Tennessee. Early in the game, Brown appeared to reel in a long touchdown, but he only got one foot inbounds, so it was called back. On the next play, Brown lined up on the other side of the field against poor Kristian Fulton. Poor, poor Kristian Fulton.

When an offensive player pulls off an “ankle-breaker” in either football or basketball, the defender is usually crossed into another stratosphere. They get faked out so hard they involuntarily end up in a totally different place than the player they were guarding. 

This time, however, was different. Fulton was so convinced that Brown was running an out route that he did the correct thing and positioned his body accordingly; the only problem was that Brown cut upfield in an instant, stranding Fulton on the tracks of a steamrolling train. Fulton fell, Hulk-smashed into the ground and penalized for illegal contact, while Brown walked into the end zone for a touchdown. 

Brown wasn’t done. Early in the third quarter, with an even-smaller Tre Avery guarding him, Jalen Hurts unleashed a rainbow in Brown’s direction. However, Brown was smothered; Avery was in perfect position to prevent a touchdown. It didn’t matter. 

I don’t think there’s a statistic for this, but the Eagles would easily be number one in the “most games where the entire team plays well” category. They didn’t just beat the Titans, they bullied them. Hurts’ MVP case grew stronger. DeVonta Smith also lit up Tennessee’s secondary. Even on Tennessee’s only touchdown of the game, Treylon Burks – Brown’s “replacement” – got knocked out while still holding on to the ball.  If you’re a Titans fan, however, seeing Brown tear apart your secondary had to be the toughest pill to swallow. 

Quote: “Master and apprentice, pitted against one another, with the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market.” Dwight Schrute

Subject: The clash of titans in Dolphins-49ers

Like many war battles throughout world history, Sunday’s matchup between Miami and San Francisco was a duel for a certain territory. The territory in question was the middle of the field. Heading into this game, much ado was made about the battle for the middle of the field, and for good reason. Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle terrorize defenses over the middle because of the mere threat their blazing speed presents. Fred Warner, on the other hand, almost single-handedly makes the middle of the field as accessible as Area 51 with the help of defensive savant DeMeco Ryans. 

Then, you have the two head coaches: Kyle Shanahan and Mike McDaniel. All across the field and on the sidelines, it was master versus apprentice, veteran versus rookie, Master Shifu versus Po. Football enjoyers like myself were giddy for this matchup. 

I’m going to compare these two teams to mythical creatures because that’s who they remind me of, and also, it’s fun! For me, “Harry Potter” and “Percy Jackson” are off-limits because I’ve never read any of the books nor have watched any of the movies (I was more of a “Magic Tree House” kind of kid). 

Instead, I’m going to use…Pokemon! I collected many cards back in the day, and I absolutely was a part of the Pokemon Go craze a while ago. My Pokemon knowledge isn’t incredibly deep, but I know the important characters and how battles work. 

You know what, just to be safe, let’s look up the most powerful Pokemon, because these are two very powerful teams we’re dealing with. Alright…um…hm…interesting…maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t played Pokemon since at least 2017, but I haven’t heard of at least 95% of these characters! Kyogre? Zekrom? Ursaluna? These sound like Norse gods and goddesses rather than Pokemon characters. 

How about we keep it simple: Snorlax and Charizard. Everyone knows Snorlax and Charizard! Since I think Snorlax would especially enjoy the relaxing beaches of south Florida, Snorlax will represent the Dolphins, and Charizard will represent the 49ers. 

To open the game, Snorlax annihilates Charizard with a mean skull bash (I forgot how cool some of these move names are. Skull bash? Hyper beam? Zen headbutt? We need to add these into our sports vernacular). On the first play from scrimmage, former 49er Trent Sherfield springs open over the middle of the field for a 75-yard touchdown. 

You might be asking “How in the world did that happen? You just told me the Niners don’t allow anything over the middle of the field!” Fair point, hypothetical reader. Essentially, McDaniel drew up a masterclass play: he sent Tyreek Hill in motion to the right side, which caused two San Francisco defensive backs to follow him after the snap. This created a massive hole in the middle of the field, and although Warner is a top-tier coverage linebacker, he didn’t t react quickly enough to the quick slant. Here’s a better angle of the play that’ll truly allow you to see Hill’s gravity.

The rest of the game, however, is all Charizard. He hit Snorlax with fire blasts, fire spins, air slashes; he pulled out all the moves. Ok…it wasn’t a complete destruction the rest of the way. My hyperbole detector is beeping obnoxiously. But the Niners kept the Dolphins offense in check for almost all of Sunday afternoon, forcing four punts, three interceptions and a fumble that was returned for a touchdown en route to a 33-17 victory. 

So, how should we feel about both teams? For San Francisco, it has a championship defense. The main question is at quarterback, but not for the same reasons it has been over the past few seasons. Jimmy Garoppolo broke his foot during the game and has been ruled out for the rest of the season. As a result, seventh-round rookie Brock Purdy was elevated into the starting role and was…decent!

Sometimes, all you need is confidence. Purdy was oozing it all afternoon, throwing for 210 yards and two touchdowns in the win. This was my favorite throw of the afternoon from Purdy.

For the Dolphins, it was their first porous outing in a while. For everyone that had doubts about Tua Tagovailoa, whether it was having Hill and Waddle at his dispense or the soft schedule Miami has faced over the past few weeks, this game made all of the naysayers happy. From an objective point of view, Tagovailoa didn’t have a great game. The two interceptions he threw weren’t the best looks, especially the second one, which saw Tagovailoa overshoot an open Hill. 

However, we must consider two things. One, both of Miami’s starting tackles were out, and two, the 49ers defense is literally the best in the NFL. Outside of the Sherfield touchdown, San Francisco cut off the middle of the field for the most part, as evidenced by Tua’s Next Gen Stats chart. Usually, his charts have a flurry of green dots over the middle; that wasn’t the case on Sunday. Many of pass attempts went outside of the numbers, where Tagovailoa isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s certainly not his strong suit. 

Conclusion: The 49ers have an amazing defense. Can Brock Purdy do enough to lead San Francisco back to the Super Bowl? I don’t know, but he might be decent. The Dolphins looked mortal, but they’re still an elite offense. 

Quote: “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible.” — Michael Scott

Subject: Deshaun Watson’s extremely uncomfortable return

Morality is a concept that’s hundreds of thousands of years old. Within the societies that we live in, we deem certain thoughts or actions as right or wrong. While morals differ depending on where you are in the world, there are a chunk that are (probably) universally agreed upon. 

Things that are morally right include telling the truth, keeping promises and keeping TCU in the College Football Playoff. Morally incorrect things include murder, cheating and disliking Beyonce. I believe whole-heartedly that those are morals we can all get behind. 

When the Cleveland Browns traded for Deshaun Watson last March, they ignored morals in favor of winning. Sure, they acknowledged that Watson committed some, uh, wrongdoings, but…(inarticulate flabbergasted scream). 

There’s so much that is wrong here. It’s what Watson did. It’s Watson’s continued lack of remorse for his actions. It’s the Browns trading as much as they did for Watson, then paying him as much as they did ($230 million guaranteed), then putting in the contract clause that they did because they knew he was going to be suspended. 

Other than Watson’s actions, of course, his lack of remorse has been the most infuriating. He had numerous chances to admit that what he did was wrong, but all he said sounds like he thinks he did nothing wrong at all. Even when he released an apologetic written statement in August, he walked back his apology the same day, telling reporters “I’ve always stood on my innocence and always said I’ve never assaulted anyone or disrespected anyone.”

Looking solely at Sunday’s scoreboard, it appeared as if Watson and the Browns offense contributed to Cleveland’s 27-14 victory over the Texans. Nope! The Texans literally could not stop giving the ball to the Browns defense. Kyle Allen threw a pick on the first play of the game, although I’ll give him a pass here; the ground turned into a trampoline as Teagan Quitoriano tried to haul in the pass, which shouldn’t happen considering that the NRG Stadium field is made of turf. 

Then, Allen threw a pick-six on a screen pass, then fumbled on a QB sneak while trying to avoid a safety, which resulted in a Browns touchdown. In the middle of all that, Donovan Peoples-Jones took a punt return 76 yards to the house. The Browns defense and special teams scored all 27 points on Sunday, the fourth most points scored by a team that didn’t score an offensive touchdown in the Super Bowl era.  

The offense was a completely different story. Heading into Sunday, Watson hadn’t played in an NFL game in 700 days, which was January 3, 2021. That day, the Celtics defeated the Pistons 122-120, with starting big man Tristan Thompson​ leading Boston in rebounds with 11. It has been a long time!

To put things nicely, Watson looked rusty. Like, very rusty. It looked like trying to fire up a Wii console after several years of not using it. 

Watson finished the day completing only 12/22 passes with 131 passing yards and the horrendous red zone interception you (hopefully) saw above. There’s an argument that Allen was the better quarterback on Sunday than Watson. Cleveland’s first eight offensive drives (excluding the end of the first half) went punt, fumble, interception, safety, punt, punt, punt, punt. How could we have expected much more, though?

This especially stinks for a Browns franchise that had just gotten themselves out of an eternal football abyss. In 2018, they won seven games for only the third time since 2003, and they almost made the AFC Championship in 2020 after not having even made the playoffs since 2002. Done were the days of ineptitude, the days of scouting next year’s best quarterbacks in October. 

Now, they’re in a different kind of cellar, one that might be inescapable. Regardless of any future success, Watson is going to hang like a pitch black cloud over Cleveland for a long, long time. 

People must continue to remember Watson’s actions. His conduct seemed easy to forget Sunday; The Browns and Texans played at 1 p.m. in front of a crowd that was the complete opposite of the sort of crowd I expected it to be, one similar to the crowd LeBron James faced when he returned to Cleveland for the first time after signing with the Heat in 2010. Spero Dedes and Jay Feely never explicitly mentioned why Watson was suspended on the broadcast. 

Watson’s actions seemed to have been swept under the rug. We cannot allow that to happen. 

Quote: “Like a tiger, I’m ready to pounce. I might be coiled, but at any moment, I can spring on my adversary.” — Dwight Schrute 

Subject: Here come the Cincinnati Bengals…again 

In all team sports, there are games that feel like they’re being played on a different plane than most other games. For example, the Duke-North Carolina clash in the NCAA Men’s Final Four this past March felt like it was being played under the watch of some higher basketball power in some sort of basketball heaven. It felt “Space Jam”-esque. 

While Sunday’s matchup between the Chiefs and Bengals didn’t exactly have the fate of the universe on the line, the air seemed different. It felt like January. Every play seemed a little extra important. Am I exaggerating? Have so many primetime games been so vastly underwhelming this season that a good game seemed great? I don’t think so. My hyperbole detector is silent. This was a legitimately great game.

Sunday’s matchup was eerily similar to the previous two between Cincinnati and Kansas City; both teams played well, but the Bengals got the last laugh. 

You know when young people say that someone has “ice in their veins”? If that’s the case, then Joe Burrow’s veins probably turned into frozen tubes against the Chiefs on Sunday. Actually, they wouldn’t have. That would’ve been quite detrimental to his short-term health. On another note, Merriam-Webster has a definition for “ice water in one’s veins”, which I find pretty hysterical. It has the same energy as William Shakespeare hitting the griddy; an old-timer taking on a modern topic. Where was I? Right. Joe Burrow is good at football, especially late in games. 

Sure, having Ja’Marr Chase, Tee Higgins and Tyler Boyd to throw to helps a lot. So does your offensive line giving you time to throw, and so does having a ground attack that actually gains substantial yards. But watch Burrow calmly stand in a collapsing pocket and deliver a dart to Higgins to seal the victory. 

Burrow was as cool as cucumber all evening, completing 80% of his passes while not committing a single turnover. He also got sacked only once, which is refreshing to see. That’s a product of two things: his offensive line giving him time to throw and Burrow turning would-be sacks into, well, not sacks. 

Also, Burrow was completing a healthy amount of passes over the middle of the field. Heading into the season, there were plenty of people who were unsure if Cincinnati’s deep-shot heavy success from last season would be sustainable. These short to medium throws are not only efficient, they’re sustainable! Really good stuff!

Regarding Kansas City, the Bengals just seem to be their kryptonite. What’s normally a high-flying, mistake-free offense that embodies the spirit of hitting a golden mushroom in MarioKart seems to crash back to normalcy against Cincinnati. Travis Kelce, who’d only lost four fumbles since 2018, coughed one up. Patrick Mahomes was held to his lowest passing yardage total of the season. The ground game did get going, as Isiah Pacheco continued to look the part of a quality starting running back. 

My favorite play of the night came late in the third quarter. On fourth-and-goal from the Cincinnati three-yard line, Mahomes decides to take it himself. He’s met at the goal-line by Cam Taylor-Britt. The runner usually does one of two things in this situation: they either put their head down and try to plow through the defender, or they attempt to avoid the defender altogether.

Mahomes does neither of those things. Instead, he channels his inner Vince Carter and goes for a poster-style leap over Taylor-Britt. If the football was a basketball and a hoop stood over Taylor-Britt, Ballislife would have a new pantheon highlight. Mahomes’ facial reminded me of when Paul George ferociously dunked on Chris Andersen in the 2013 Eastern Conference Finals. Oh, and Mahomes scored!

Despite the hammer, Kansas City couldn’t get a ton going through the air, which is what ultimately held them back. The Bengals officially look like Super Bowl contenders again after a slow start to the season, and the Chiefs now need some help to reclaim the AFC’s top seed. All Kansas City can hope for is that they don’t run into the jungle cats come January.