For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
“If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.” — Kevin Malone
A Purdy party in San Francisco
Being the last pick in any kind of draft can really stink. You appear irrelevant and unworthy. You’re the complete opposite of relevant. Not a great feeling!
Even though getting selected in the NFL Draft is a phenomenal achievement (less than two percent of college football players make it to the big leagues), still, the last one? All 32 NFL teams passed you over a combined 250 times over the course of three days. In fact, “Mr. Irrelevant” is usually so unknown that “Irrelevant Week” was created to honor the last pick in an NFL Draft as if they’d won the lottery. In 2008, linebacker David Vobora got to tour the Playboy Mansion, meet the cast of “The Girls Next Store” and enjoy a movie night with Hugh Hefner. With all due respect…ew.
Besides, the final picks in drafts rarely contribute much to the NFL. The most notable “Mr. Irrelevant” up until this year was kicker Ryan Succop, who’s carved out a quality career for himself since he was drafted in 2009. Other than him, however, the odds of “Mr. Irrelevant” becoming at least somewhat relevant in the NFL may as well be 10,000-1.
Enter Brock Purdy.
Quick backstory: Won Arizona Gatorade Player of the Year in 2017. Committed to Iowa State over Alabama and Texas A&M. Played very well in college, so well that he received comparisons to Matt Barkley and Gardner Minshew. I guess not everyone is destined to be the next Tom Brady.
Purdy gets drafted with the last pick in the 2022 NFL Draft. Starts training camp as the third-string quarterback behind Trey Lance and Jimmy Garoppolo. Lance gets hurt, Purdy is now Jimmy G’s backup. Garoppolo gets hurt, and now Purdy is the starter. Unless your name is Nick Foles or Mike White, most backup quarterbacks decrease their team’s ceiling.
Brock Purdy isn’t like most people.
Instead of the moment appearing too big like it would for a lot of young backups, Purdy has had those moments in a death grip. While his stats don’t jump off the page, Purdy has looked cool, calm and collected in his first two appearances as a starter for the 49ers, especially in Sunday’s dismantling of the slowly-plummeting Buccaneers.
Mobility? Check
Rainbow ball? Check.
Hitting an open receiver downfield even though the pass was underthrown? Check.
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Most quarterbacks can do that, right? Why is this performance any better than one that Tua Tagovailoa might have? He’d get ripped to shreds if that was the case!” Once again, hypothetical reader, very solid points. To that, I’ll give you one word.
Expectations.
Expectations can be unbelievably annoying. For example, whenever Tagovailia has a far-from-perfect performance, he;s doused in criticism because he was the sixth overall pick AND the fact that Miami took Tua over Justiin Herbert, who’s already established himself as a top-five quarterback in football. Plus, the Dolphins are actively competing for a Super Bowl with an offense that is built around the aerial attack. When Tua has performances like he has against the 49ers and Chargers, he gets chopped up like a bunch of carrots and celery because he’s supposed to be great.
On the other hand, not having the weight of the world on a pair of shoulders is great for a guy like Purdy, who had zero expectations coming into the league. So when he out-duels Tom Brady, it feels extra amazing because Purdy isn’t supposed to do that. Don’ t tell him that, though. Purdy has oozed confidence since he got his chance two weeks ago. He looks far from timid, which is what a rookie backup quarterback is supposed to be. Instead, he’s fearless, ready to take on whatever opponent stands in front of him. Purdy looks like he’s been a professional quarterback for years.
Another reason Purdy is in a great spot is because the 49ers are one of maybe a few teams in the league who don’t need their quarterback to be transcendent in order to win consistently. Although Deebo Samuel went down with a seemingly horrific leg injury on Sunday, Purdy is still surrounded by arguably the most dangerous running back in the league, arguably the best offensive tackle in the league and objectively the best defense in the league.
After all, San Francisco made the Super Bowl with Jimmy Garoppolo not too long ago. All Purdy’s team needs from him is to be decent, and he’s proven to be just that. Add some swagger and immense trust from teammates to the mix, and the 49ers might be ok after all. Brock Purdy outplays Tom Brady? (Paul Rudd voice) Who would’ve thought? (Paul Rudd voice again) Not me!
“They are trying to figure me out, and I don’t like it.” — DeAngelo Vickers
Tua Tagovailoa’s rough night at the office
Before we begin the Tua-Herbert War for the 97th time, let’s put on our objectivity glasses, because we apparently can’t seem to do that nowadays. We all have to be partisan, opinionated, divided. Mainstream sports radio and television has recently been defined by “takes” rather than healthy sports conversations. Why can’t we just be like Switzerland sometimes! They’re one of the most peaceful countries in the world and haven’t been involved in a single major world conflict since they became a federal state in 1848. Being neutral has its benefits!
Let’s start with Justin Herbert, who had an objectively awesome game: 39/51, 357 yards, one touchdown, no turnovers. He connected with Keenan Allen and Mike Williams a combined 18 times for over 200 receiving yards, including these two beautiful chunk plays.
It’s almost like having your top two receivers healthy at the same time opens up your offense! If only Herbert had a speedster to get down the field quickly and stretch the defense, because that would be close to nirvana for the Chargers’ offense. I would say that there are plenty of cheap, fast receivers on the free agent market next offseason, including Jamison Crowder, Andre Roberts, Marquise Goodwin, Mecole Hardman, Damiere Byrd and Trent Sherfield, but the Chargers are cash-strapped in 2023.
They do, however, own all of their draft picks in 2023 and 2024. Looking at next year specifically, I would love to see either Josh Downs, Zay Flowers or Jaylin Hyatt in a Chargers uniform. Those are just hypotheticals, however. Right now, the Chargers are the seventh seed in the AFC with the Titans, Colts, Rams and Broncos making up LA’s final four regular season opponents. Not incredibly difficult!
On the other hand, Tagovailoa has now had back-to-back poor performances for the first time all season. His completion percentage on Sunday (35.7% out of 28) was barely higher than the worst grade I can remember receiving on a test since my freshman year of high school (34% out of 50). Yikes.
Outside of a lovely 60-yard bomb to Tyreek Hill, the Dolphins couldn’t get much going through the air. For the second week in a row, the opposing defense took away the middle of the field. Last week, the 49ers dropped their linebackers into coverage frequently, which threw the Dolphins offense into unfamiliar territory.
On Sunday, LA’s depleted cornerback room played press coverage on Hill and Jaylen Waddle, which is like voluntarily wrestling a bear, only you actually defeated the bear. Teams have been so fearful of Hill and Waddle’s speed on the outside that their defensive backs would drop way back into coverage and say “we’ll give you ten free yards, but you won’t run past us!” Against the Chargers, however, that fear didn’t exist. The middle of the field was taken away, Tua was being pressured all night, and the end result was not good for Mike McDaniel & Co.
Now what? That’s the sixth top-half-of-the-league defense the Dolphins have played this season, and they’ve been held to under 21 points every single time. While they’ve had five games with over 30 points scored, four of those performances came against bottom-seven defenses. Even so, Miami’s defense and special teams pushed the Dolphins over 30 points in two of those games, so their offense alone has eclipsed 30 just three times in 2022 (which isn’t bad, it’s just a lesser number than I thought it was).
One aspect that makes an athlete great is how they respond when option A isn’t working, when they need to create something themselves when a play breaks down. Tagovailoa hasn’t reached that level quite yet, in part because his receivers are often open, and all Tua needs to do is put the ball in the right spot. However, when the middle of the field has been taken away, Tua hasn’t proven he can consistently make a play using a secondary option.
This performance also falls on McDaniel. Adjusting a game plan mid-game is easier said than done, but it’s a necessary part of coaching. If a defense figures out your offense, you have to change something, which didn’t happen against the Chargers. If the Dolphins can’t adjust, Miami being 8-3 at one point in time will feel like eons ago.
“Well, well, well, how the turntables…” — Michael Scott
The tanking Texans nearly defeating the Super Bowl-aspiring Cowboys
If you follow the NBA, you’ve hopefully realized that basketball fans like myself have been spoiled with arguably the greatest collection of talent the league has ever seen at one time. 18 players are currently averaging at least 25 points per game; while the sample size is a tad small, that number was just five a decade ago. Luka Doncic is on pace to put together one of the greatest statistical seasons of all-time. Even the “bad teams” such as the Magic and Pistons are extremely fun to watch. There’s not a single team that’s both terrible and boring.
NFL fans haven’t been treated to that luxury this season, with the most obvious example being the Texans. Their only non-defeats of the season were a tie against the Colts and a 13-6 clunker over the Jaguars. I can count on one hand how many current members of the Texans I can get excited about. Shockingly, Houston has played in seven one-possession games this year, but they’ve lost five of them. Even more stunning, the fifth close loss was this past Sunday against…the Cowboys?
The Texans and Cowboys are on two completely different trajectories. Houston is, um, bottoming out for Bryce? Stinking for CJ? Losing for Levis? Whatever it’s going to be called, the Texans are tanking, and they’re likely going to end up with the first overall pick at season’s end.
Dallas, on the other hand, is shooting for the stars. They’re the only team that has both a top-three offense and a top-three scoring defense. Over the past three weeks, the Cowboys have outscored their opponents 122-42. It took the Texans seven games to get to 116. Although a seventeen-point spread seems a little crazy on the surface, when considering where both of these teams are, it wasn’t all that surprising.
What was the most surprising were the events that unfolded in Dallas on Sunday afternoon. After the Cowboys marched down the field for an easy opening-drive touchdown and forced a three-and-out on the ensuing possession, that seventeen-point spread was looking awfully generous.
(Lee Corso voice) Not so fast, my friend.
On the ensuing punt, punt-return savant KeVontae Turpin muffed the descending pigskin, setting up the Texans comfortably in Cowboys territory, where Houston would eventually score. The two teams continued to trade blows until later in the fourth quarter; with Dallas backed up inside of their own five-yard line, Dak Prescott’s throw was intercepted by Tremon Smith. After not having picked off a pass in an organized football game since his final year at Central Arkansas in 2017, Smith had two against the Cowboys.
All the sudden, it looked like Texans could pull off the massive upset; the feeling was real. It would be the third-largest upset by point spread in the past 10 years. Unfortunately, Houston’s out-of-body experience ended at a very suboptimal time, which was right about now.
Facing a fourth-and-goal at the one, Jeff Driskel takes the snap from under center. An important note: prior to Sunday, Driskel hadn’t taken a snap in an NFL game since Sept. 27, 2020. That same day, the Heat defeated the Celtics 125-113 to advance to the NBA Finals…in the bubble. 805 days is a long time!
While Driskel had made some impressive throws on Sunday, when the Texans called a speed option to the right to possibly clinch the game, Driskel ran…to the left. Although he caught himself and pivoted to the right, it was too late. Turnover on downs. The Cowboys would proceed to embark on a 98-yard game-winning touchdown drive to put the game away.
What could’ve been…
“In the wild, healthcare is ‘ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, I’m dead. Well…I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.” — Dwight Schrute
The suddenly roaring Detroit Lions
Do you believe in curses?
Do you believe that something or someone can cause eternal despair to befall upon a person or a group of people? There are numerous sports franchises that would likely answer with a resounding “yes”. In the NFL, the Falcons and Browns are at the top of the list. In other professional American sports, the Cubs, Guardians (formerly the Indians), Maple Leafs and Clippers have strong arguments as well. Even storied franchises like the Red Sox have had a curse, one that lasted over eight decades after Boston traded some hack named Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920.
Unfortunately, the Lions are right up there, too. They’ve gotten past the Divisional Round in the playoffs only once in the Super Bowl era. They’re the only NFC team that hasn’t appeared in the Super Bowl. They’ve had franchise-altering talents in Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson, only for both of them to retire before they turned 31. They seemingly found their franchise quarterback in Matthew Stafford over a decade ago, only for Stafford to a) never win a playoff game in a Lions uniform, and b) LITERALLY WIN THE SUPER BOWL THE SEASON AFTER GETTING TRADED. Sorry. That was a bit much.
Even just last season, when Detroit looked like it’d been injected with caffeine before every game, they finished 3-13-1, with seven of their losses being decided by single-digits. Whether it was a complete late-game meltdown by the defense, a total no-show from the offense or the opposing kicker rocking a bionic leg, the Lions kept finding new ways to lose.
Up until their Week 9 matchup with the Packers, this season hadn’t been much different for the Lions. Five of Detroit’s seven losses have been decided by a combined 17 points, with two of them being dealt via go-ahead touchdown passes in the final minute of regulation.
Consistency seemed to be a foregin concept to them. One week, Detroit’s offense would explode, but the defense would implode. If the defense registered a solid performance, the offense was usually a no-show. For example, the Lions dropped 45 on the Seahawks earlier this season, then combined to score six points across their next two games despite Detroit’s defense holding the opposing offense to under 25 points both times.
The Lions looked dead. Except that they weren’t. They might’ve been the lion all along.
Since the heartbreaker against the Dolphins on Oct. 30, the Lions have won five of their last six games, with their only loss being a three-point defeat to the Bills on Thanksgiving. Not only has their defense drastically improved, their offense has returned to their early-season selves, scoring 74 points in their last two games combined.
Last week, they thumped the Jaguars 40-14 for just their third 25+ point victory since 2013. This week, as favorites against the 10-win Vikings, Detroit handled Minnesota to improve to 6-7. The Lions stonewalled Dalvin Cook all afternoon, including a crucial fumble inside of Detroit’s five-yard line.
But once again, it was Detroit’s offense that led the charge. Jared Goff had another Uber-efficient outing, completing nearly 70% of his passes for 330 yards and three touchdowns with no turnovers. He also had a similar statline the week prior, throwing for 340 yards and two touchdowns with no interceptions. The last time Goff has thrown for at least 330 yards and multiple touchdowns with no turnovers in back-to-back games in the NFL? Here’s a list of all said occurrences:
…hello?
Oh, he’s never done it before! Go Jared!
Elsewhere, Detroit’s skill players blossomed. DJ Chark caught a long touchdown. Just Jackson had a Ford-tough touchdown run. Jameson Williams made his first NFL appearance and burned Minnesota’s secondary for his first professional touchdown on his first professional catch.
Amon-Ra St. Brown was a bright spot once again, racking up 68 receiving yards on six receptions; in the 29 games he’s played in the NFL, St. Brown has registered at least 70 yards receiving and/or six catches 17 times, including Sunday. Out of the 70 wide receivers that were selected in the 2020 and 2021 NFL Draft, only Ja’Marr Chase, CeeDee Lamb, Justin Jefferson, Tee Higgins and Michael Pittman Jr. have surpassed that number other than St. Brown. And the last four guys I listed got a one year head start on Chase and St. Brown!
Heck, even the offensive line was making plays with the ball. Penei Sewell got his one shining moment, but it wasn’t just any shining moment. The Lions were up eight with just under two minutes to play in regulation. They’re out of field goal range, so they need to pick up seven yards in order to seal the game. Usually, when an offensive tackle gets targeted, it’s in the end zone; since 2020, eight out of 12 targets to offensive lineman were in goal-to-go situations. All that is normally asked of the lineman is to catch the ball, and nothing else.
Instead, the Lions proved that YAC machines come in all shapes and sizes. Sewell corralled the floater from Goff, rumbled forward and picked up the game-clinching first down.
Although Detroit’s postseason path is still murky, the Lions have shown glimpses of a promising future. Their offense has been a top-five unit, and we thought they were going to be the problem! Rushing attack? Check. Good receivers? Check. Solid offensive line? Check. Quarterback that’s at least decent? Check. Head coach that players play hard for? Check.
Now, all they need is some defensive reinforcements. Detroit has a little over $25 million in cap space next offseason with a boatload of talented defensive UFAs on the market. They also own their first round pick this year as well as the Rams’ first rounder, so the Lions could conceivably have two top-15 picks in the 2023 NFL Draft. With a deep defensive draft class that includes Will Anderson, Jalen Carter and Kelee Ringo, the opportunities for improvement are immense. Keep an eye on your kneecaps!
“Here it is: Truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, 360 spin onto the pallets, backflip gainer into the trash can.” *falls into giant cardboard box* — Andy Bernard
CJ Mosley’s failed Bobby Boucher impersonation
Almost everything sounds better in your head. Your brain is an endless galaxy where nothing seems impossible, where nothing can stop you from achieving your goals. Everything works. There are no limits, boundaries or barriers standing in your way; you can literally do anything, be anything in your head.
Unfortunately, actuality isn’t the same as reality, which is what Andy had to learn the hard way as he plummeted through a large cardboard box instead of cementing himself as a parkour icon. Jets linebacker CJ Mosley also had to find out the hard way on Sunday that some things are easier said than done.
Facing a fourth-and-one from their own 40-yard line, Josh Allen is trying to get someone on the Jets to jump offsides. How do I know that? Nobody on the field moved when Allen yelled “let’s go!” with seven whole seconds left on the play clock…everyone except Mosley, that is.
This was Mosley’s one shining moment. We’ve seen Adam Sandler pull it off “The Waterboy”. We’ve seen Troy Polamalu do it several times. The only issue with replicating the wondrous act of anticipation, however, is that it’s only been done by a fictional character and one of the greatest defensive backs in NFL history.
For as good as Mosley is, he is neither of those things, and his mortality showed in his attempt to replicate this Houdini tackle.
Sure, Mosley’s RKO of Dawson Knox was pretty epic, but it actually ended up costing Gang Green significantly. The Bills, whose first five drives had gone nowhere, ended up scoring a touchdown to end the first half and eventually won by eight. Ouch.
Even worse, Mike White’s ribs are probably in seven different places, and New York’s schedule the rest of the way isn’t exactly filled with cupcakes. They host the Lions and Jaguars before closing the season with road contests in Seattle and Miami, respectively. The Jets might have to win at least two of those games to get into the playoffs. Remember, real life isn’t always like the movies; in fact, it’s far from it.