For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
Gabe: “What are your weaknesses?” Kelly: “I don’t have any, a**hole”
The ever-growing legend of Patrick Lavon Mahomes II
Pantheon (pan-thee-awn): A group of widely respected and important people or things; a class that separates near-gods and goddesses from everyone else in their respective field.
“With his latest championship triumph, Stephen Curry has officially entered the pantheon of all-time NBA players.”
“One can argue that Twix bars are most certainly in the pantheon of Halloween candies.”
I expect a call from Merriam-Webster very soon requesting my services.
In any given sport at any given time, there’s usually at least one “pantheon” player that appears to be playing on a different plane than the rest of their peers. If professional athletes are the top 1% of all athletes, then the few that reside in the pantheon make up the top 1% of the top 1%.
Patrick Mahomes has certainly solidified his spot in the football pantheon, and Sunday saw another stunning performance from, according to Pro Football Reference, “Magic Man”. I’d love to do a Sports Reference nickname ranking one day, because I swear they make some of them up. Also according to the website, Dirk Nowitzki was known as “German Race Car”, and J.J. Watt was “The Milkman”. Interesting!
On Saturday, Mahomes did the following things against Jacksonville:
- Threw a perfectly-executed 20-yard jump pass to Travis Kelce
- Completed a sidearm laser to Juju Smith-Schuster for a first down
- Hit Kelce for a first down on a third-and-six despite Jags defensive lineman Arden Key actively spinning Mahomes to the ground
That all happened on the first drive.
In the span of just six game minutes, Mahomes levitated, defied physics, then defied physics a second time to draw first blood against the Jaguars. Most other quarterbacks solely find success with both feet on the ground and have throwing radii that are limited to something less than 90 degrees. Unfortunately for everyone that’s not the Chiefs, Mahomes is incredibly far from most other quarterbacks.
However, disaster struck on Kansas City’s next drive. As Mahomes was being tackled by Key and Jags defensive lineman Corey Peters, Key landed directly on Mahomes’ right ankle, which twisted in a very awkward fashion.
A clearly-injured Mahomes gutted out the rest of the drive, but was taken out and was later diagnosed with a high ankle sprain. High ankle sprains usually take from six weeks to a few months to fully heal. Jerry Jeudy missed six weeks in 2021 with this same injury. Saquon Barkley and Mac Jones each missed three weeks with high ankle sprains, but those were best case scenarios. Kansas City was in a sudden crisis situation.
Despite uncertainty hanging over Arrowhead Stadium like a black cloud, backup Chad Henne and Isaiah Pacheco (who’s in the pantheon of football players that run like they want to put holes in the ground) led the Chiefs on a 98-yard touchdown drive in Mahomes’ absence.
When Mahomes improbably returned on Kansas City’s following drive, adrenaline didn’t seem to be masking his pain, as Mahomes’ ankle was clearly an issue the rest of the game. Despite his diminished mobility, Magic Man delivered one more mind-boggling highlight before the afternoon’s end, firing a dart to Marquez Valdes-Scantling off of one foot for a touchdown.
Is Mahomes’ health going to be a gigantic swing factor in next week’s AFC Championship? Probably, and it stinks. I think we’d all like to see both Mahomes and Joe Burrow at full health in a clash of two AFC titans with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. Even if Mahomes isn’t 100%, and even if the Chiefs fall because of it, Sunday was a reminder that, in a sport where limitations drag down even the best teams and players, you cannot put boundaries on Patrick Mahomes, no matter how hard you try.
“Sometimes, the smartest people don’t think at all.” — Michael Scott
Joe Brr defeating the Bills while slaying the snowy weather
When scouting prospective NFL quarterbacks, the term “poise” is often used to describe signal-callers who display immense calmness in stressful situations. Whether it be a collapsing pocket or a high-pressure playoff game, poised quarterbacks navigate those scenarios with seemingly no feelings of doubt or worry. They’re the MacGyver’s of football, the ones that don’t seem to ever think; rather, they just do.
While being poised is a phenomenal trait to have as a quarterback, it’s been thrown around a little too much. Carson Wentz was described as a quarterback who was “calm in the pocket”. Mitch Trubisky was dubbed a “calm field general”. “Poise” was under Jared Goff’s strengths as a prospect. Derek Carr was said to have both poise and “moxie”. Scouts don’t always shoot 100% from the field.
One quarterback that absolutely has poise, however, is Joe Burrow. It fills his body from head to toe. Burrow might be one of the most poised quarterbacks not just of this generation, but ever. Nothing seems to rattle him. While chaos may surround him, it never penetrates him, and it showed in an anti-Cincinnati environment on Sunday.
By anti-Cincinnati, I mean that the stage was set for a Bills victory. The NFL had already scheduled a potential Bills-Chiefs AFC Championship at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, a rematch of an all-time playoff game last season with Buffalo falling victim to a rule that not only played a huge part in ending their season, but was changed the ensuing offseason because of that game. They were a franchise with arguably the best fans in the sport who were starving for its first Super Bowl title. The setting on Sunday was storybook, a sold-out home playoff game in the snow. They were a team that was not only a legitimate championship contender, but a team that had fought through near-tragedy. The documentary was writing itself.
Best of all, Damar Hamlin was at Highmark Stadium on Sunday. With the Bills in need of an energy boost down seven towards the end of the half and the Bengals threatening to score again, the cameras cut to Hamlin. He not only made a wholesome heart gesture to the Buffalo crowd, he waved his arms up and down, imploring the home fans to turn up the volume through the thick snowflakes that rained down on Orchard Park.
Bills Mafia erupted accordingly, which forced the Bengals into a false start. Even though momentum had solely resided on Cincinnati’s side up until that point, it felt like something had shifted. This was to be the moment that Buffalo snatched control of the game…until Burrow immediately hit Ja’Marr Chase in the end zone for a touchdown. Sure, the score was called back because we still aren’t exactly sure what a catch is, but that sequence summed up Buffalo’s afternoon. No matter how many externalities may have been on their side, the Bengals were simply too good.
The Bengals tore apart the Bills defense on Sunday afternoon, and a lot of it had to do with Burrow making the right decision over and over again. For example, whenever Buffalo blitzed, Burrow always knew exactly where to go with the ball and when he would have to throw it. His touchdown pass to Chase was just one example of Burrow slicing up a blitz, something he’s been doing all season long.
Buffalo couldn’t do anything to shake Burrow. He completed his first nine passes of the game; Cincinnati had more first downs (10) than the Bills had total yards (8) in the first quarter. Burrow finished the day completing 23/26 passes for 242 yards and two touchdowns with no turnovers. However, the stats don’t tell the full story. His computer-like processing was on full display. The moment never seemed too big; in fact, Burrow seemed bigger than the moment.
Again, there were elements that might’ve thrown a regular quarterback off their game. There was cold weather. There was snow. There was a hostile road crowd. It was a single-elimination playoff game. Even exceptional quarterbacks have faltered under some of those circumstances. When talking about who qualifies for the football pantheon, if Burrow isn’t already in it, he’s getting pretty darn close.
“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” — Pam Beesly
An offensive line appreciation section
Being an offensive lineman is no flashy job. I don’t speak from experience or anything; standing at six feet tall and a whopping 135 pounds, I would probably explode on impact if a defensive lineman merely put their hands on me.
However, I do watch enough football to know that offensive lineman don’t get nearly as much recognition for succeeding at their job than most of their other teammates. Unless they throw a defender to the ground or get thrown themselves, a sound blocking rep by an offensive lineman won’t garner much national attention. I’m here to change that, because this weekend saw most of the winning teams’ offensive lines perform exceptionally well.
On Saturday, the Chiefs offensive line was instrumental in preserving a victory. After Mahomes got injured, the burden on Kansas City’s offensive line to protect him became greater since he could no longer scramble. They stepped up to the challenge, as the Jaguars didn’t register a single sack for the first time since they last played the Chiefs all the way back in Week 10.
Later that night, the Eagles beat the Giants by 31 in large part because of Philadelphia’s dominant performance in the trenches. Much ado had been made about New York returning players that hadn’t played when the Eagles blew out the Giants 48-22 back in Week 14, including Kayvon Thibodeaux and Leonard Williams. Combined with Dexter Lawrence’s dominance of the interior for most of this season, the Eagles had a tall task in front of them.
Tall task, shmall shmask. Neither Thibodeaux, Lawrence nor Williams registered a single tackle for loss. Jalen Hurts routinely had time to throw, and the Eagles gashed the Giants on the ground, with their 268 rushing yards being the second-most in a playoff game in franchise history. The Eagles bullied the Giants at the line of scrimmage all night long en route to an NFC Championship game appearance.
Quite possibly the most intriguing offensive line story of this weekend came from Buffalo, where the Bengals were rolling out a unit that looked closer to last year’s porous bunch than the one that had looked far more competent this season. Despite smartly spending big on free agent offensive lineman this past offseason, they had nothing to show for it in their biggest game of the season. La’El Collins and Alex Cappa suffered injuries prior to the postseason, and Jonah Williams dislocated his kneecap last week against the Ravens.
In relief was Hakeem Adeniji at right tackle, who crumbled like a cookie during last year’s surprise playoff run. At left tackle was Jackson Carman, who was benched at right guard for Adeniji last season. At right guard was Max Scharping, who’d been cut from the Texans this past preseason because he couldn’t crack the starting five. Disaster seemed imminent, especially against a vaunted Bills front seven.
Instead, it was Cincinnati’s offensive line that enacted disaster, as the Bengals dominated Buffalo on the ground to the tune of 5.1 yards per rush and their second highest rushing total of the entire season. Watch Carman pile-drive Tremaine Edmunds into the snow as Joe Mixon picks up a first down.
The Bills couldn’t generate much pressure on Burrow. Everyone not named Matt Milano registered exactly zero sacks and zero tackles for loss. This was a quantum leap from the Bengals line we saw last season, the one that allowed 19 sacks during the playoffs, including seven in the Super Bowl. I have no idea if this is going to keep up, but if Joe Burrow has time to throw and Mixon has holes to run through, Cincinnati looks a lot scarier than they did before Sunday.
Finally, I must shout out a pass-blocking moment in 49ers-Cowboys. On the final play of the game, with the Cowboys in desperation lateral mode, they decided to throw out a personnel group of mostly fast people, which is smart for this scenario. Unfortunately, that meant Ezekiel Elliott had to snap the ball as the lone blocker in front of Dak Prescott. Lining up opposite Elliott was Samson Ebukam, who’s about three inches taller and 20 pounds heavier than Elliott.
The rep went about as expected.
The reverse pancake caused Prescott to get rid of the ball early to KeVontae Turpin, who got immediately lit up by Charvarius Ward to seal the game. At least Elliott tried. I think.
Disregarding Elliott, this weekend showed why it’s so important to have a good offensive line. Had the Chiefs had the unit that looked like swiss cheese in the Super Bowl two years ago, Mahomes would’ve gotten hit a lot more. Should Cincinnati’s backups have faltered like they did last season, the result of that game is certainly different. But the hog mollies stepped up, and now, we have two conference championship games that are going to feature heavyweight fights at the line of scrimmage.
“You’re better than this. Everyone is better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen.” — Robert California
Brett Maher’s relatively unenjoyable past six days
I’ll preface with this: Maher didn’t have all that terrible of an outing in San Francisco. He made two field goals in two attempts, although he had an extra point blocked (more on that in a bit).
That being said, I have never seen a kicker be the centerpiece of a real, authentic football drama like Maher was over the past week. While kickers (who play one of the more psychologically challenging positions in football) are no strangers to dealing with harsh criticism for messing up, it’s never been as much of a saga as it was with Maher since last Monday night.
Quick refresher: Maher missed four extra points in last week’s game against the Buccaneers, an NFL single-game record. Prior to last Monday, Maher had only missed three extra points all season and was enjoying his best statistical year in the NFL. The performance was so disheartening that the Merriam-Webster Twitter account posted their official definition of the “yips” after Maher missed extra point number four. In order to be roasted by a dictionary, the most objective piece of text known to man, you’d have to accomplish something beyond human belief, followed by another step beyond human belief. Unfortunately for Maher, that’s exactly what happened, which led to the most watched pre-game kicking warm up in the history of football.
Kickers warming up doesn’t usually draw a ton of attention outside of a few instances. Some kickers will occasionally drill 70-yard bombs before games. Robbie Gould has built a small reputation for warming up during moments that don’t appear optimal for practicing kicks. Remember the Patriots-Bills game last season where Mac Jones only threw the ball three times because it was too windy? During warm ups, Tyler Bass and Nick Folk kept getting their kicks blown away by 45 mile per hour wind gusts.
However, none of those could compare to Maher’s warm up on Sunday. All eyes were on the former Nebraska Cornhusker to see if the previous week’s struggles had carried over into this week. The initial results were…not promising.
A few things. One, wicked smaht move by the Niners to mess with Maher’s routine. Two, I know that the 20-foot miss entailed by Kawakami was probably exaggerated, but if he did: An NFL regulation goal post is approximately 18.5 feet wide, so even if there was another NFL regulation goal post directly next to the original one, Maher still would’ve missed, which is very funny to think about. Finally, what would a kicker have to do in order to receive a pre-game talk from their team’s owner? What did Jerry Jones even say to Maher? At least Urban Meyer wasn’t the head coach.
Finally, it was showtime. After Dak Prescott connected with Dalton Schultz for a touchdown, it was time for Maher to kick the extra point. There have been plenty of extra points in football history that have swung games, but none have ever garnered as much attention pre-kick as Maher’s.
The snap was good. The hold was good. The kick was…far from good.
While the kick was blocked, the trajectory of the ball suggested that Maher might’ve missed the hypothetical extra goal post again. Things had reached a point where Texas governor Greg Abbott, who’s paralyzed from the legs down, jokingly (or maybe not jokingly?) tweeted that he could kick better than Maher. Oof.
Thankfully, as mentioned before, Maher converted two field goals later in the game, which prompted sarcastic celebration from all who were watching. Even more relieving for Maher, his failed extra point didn’t end up costing his team in the end, as the Cowboys lost by seven. Even though his mistake proved relatively inconsequential on Sunday, it concluded one of the funniest week-long spotlights on a player in recent memory, and I felt it should be forever enshrined in text.
“You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.” — Clark Greene
Micah Parsons body-slamming Mike McGlinchey with one arm
Football is meant to be a sport where gigantic superhuman athletes battle vigorously for 60 minutes. It’s a little bit like the actual Thunderdome from “Mad Max”, except without the lethal weapons and intent to actually kill your opponent. Players get tackled, shoved, stiff-armed, pile-drived or body-slammed on almost every single play.
However, what Micah Parsons did to 49ers offensive tackle Mike McGlinchey on Sunday evening looked more like something you’d see in professional wrestling rather than professional American football.
This is absolutely comical. While offensive tackles are usually the most physically daunting humans on a football field, McGlinchey is a behemoth amongst the behemoths, as he’s listed at a whopping 6 feet 8 inches and 310 pounds. For reference, Zion Williamson is listed at 6 feet 6 inches and 284 pounds. Aaron Judge is listed at 6 feet 7 inches and 282 pounds. McGlinchey is a giant. Guys of that stature shouldn’t be able to get tossed to the ground, let alone with a single arm.
Parsons, meanwhile, is listed at 6 feet 3 inches and 245 pounds, so despite being five inches shorter and 65 pounds lighter, he was still able to turn McGlinchey from a y-axis into a x-axis. I cannot reiterate enough how ridiculous this is. This is like if Damian Lillard tossed LeBron James sideways using just his right arm. It feels impossible, yet Parsons made it possible.
The only other person to pull off this act of transcendent strength was Reggie White, who did it numerous times throughout his Hall of Fame career. Even so, White was at least two inches taller and 45 pounds heavier than Parsons, which makes Parsons’ throwdown all that more impressive. While he didn’t reign terror on the 49ers like he has with other teams, Parsons gave us one of the most mind-boggling feats of strength we’ve seen in quite some time.