For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.

“I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” — Pam Beesly

One-ankled Patrick Mahomes displaying immense skill and valiance en route to another Super Bowl appearance

Right before the play that saw Patrick Mahomes transcend doctoral advice and Joseph Ossai commit a terrible, gut-wrenching, soul-destroying mistake, I decided to crack open a fortune cookie from the Panda Express I’d just eaten (hot take: I’m not the biggest fan of the orange chicken. I like their steak better. The steak also comes with vegetables, which helps me feel less like hot garbage afterward).

I know the fortunes are super cliche, but maybe, I thought to myself, it’d be a sign of something that was about to happen in the Bengals-Chiefs game. After all, very few of the fortunes I’ve ever gotten from any Chinese restaurant have immediately come true in my own life, so perhaps it would manifest in the game I was watching. The fortune read as follows:

You have the makings of a leader. Take charge. 

Sure enough, as I looked up at my computer screen, there went Mahomes, sprained ankle and all, booking it across the virtual yellow line to pick up one of the more improbable first downs in recent postseason memory considering the circumstances. 

While it wasn’t a perfect performance by any means, Mahomes played very well. There were certainly some mistakes, including a fantastic Jameis Winston impersonation on a peculiar fumble. Outside of that and a few misfires, it was an exceptional performance (326 yards, two touchdowns) for a guy who was on one ankle for most of the night and had a depleted receiving core.

High ankle sprains usually take at least a few weeks to heal, and while it was definitely bothering Mahomes, it didn’t seem to weigh him down like literally almost any other athlete would have been. For example, the touchdown he threw to Marquez Valdes-Scantling. While it was far from a perfect throw, the fact that Mahomes got the ball to MVS in a relatively tight window from over 25 yards away off of one foot is rather incredible.  

Going back to the eventual game-clinching scramble, what was most impressive about that play other than the fact that Mahomes was on a bum ankle was that the Bengals had everything covered. Travis Kelce was being bracketed, every other Kansas City receiver was not open and the Bengals forced a hobbled Mahomes out of the pocket. It didn’t matter. 

The list of athletes that could be considered “gods” and “goddesses” is pretty short. In order to make that list, you have to transcend beyond what 99.9% of other professional athletes are capable of, whether it be physically, mentally, skillfully or a combination of all three. You have to perform actions on a frequent basis that seem borderline unachievable. While Mahomes has blown our minds into far more distant lands than what he pulled off on Sunday, his performance likely would’ve ranked in the top three of most other quarterback’s careers. 

“Stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it.” — Michael Scott

(Likely) The worst moment of Joseph Ossai’s life

There have been plenty of instances in sports where an athlete takes multiple harsh L’s in one sequence. I call it a “compound lowlight”. For example, in 2013, Jason Terry got pickpocketed by Dwyane Wade and viciously dunked on by LeBron James in the span of less than five seconds. Not only did Terry get the ball stolen from him, he got put flat on his back by a basketball demigod in front of millions of viewers. Not the most flattering sequence!

That was nothing compared to what Joseph Ossai endured on the second-to-last play from scrimmage on Sunday night.

Committing a season-losing play is heart-wrenching. Bill Buckner’s infamous boot that cost the Red Sox a World Series in 1986. Steve Smith’s dumbfounding own goal that cost the Oilers a shot at the Stanley Cup that same year. Chris Webber’s illegally called timeout that cost Michigan a national championship in 1993. All of those plays have defined those players despite each of them having above average careers. 

Seriously injuring yourself is also terrible. Ossai managed to pull off both sickening feats in the blink of an eye. 

Ossai was flagged for unnecessary roughness, which put the Chiefs in field goal range. Harrison Butker nailed the ensuing kick, and Kansas City was headed back to the Super Bowl.

On one hand, the unnecessary roughness call was correct, even in a game that saw a handful of officiating blunders. Both Mahomes and Ossai were fully out of bounds when Ossai pushed Mahomes with his forearm. 

On the other hand, it’s a natural human emotion to sympathize with Ossai. Both players were moving incredibly fast. Ossai was simply doing what you’re taught as a defender to do: make the ball carrier fall over!

This especially stinks because, like Buckner, Smith and Webber, Ossai had been having a pretty good season up until that moment after missing all of his rookie year with a knee injury. He’d been a presence all evening against Chiefs, only for his performance to sink into some far away abyss, as only his last play will likely define this game. 

I can’t think of many more depressing and consequential lowlights than this one. Not only was the play hard to watch, especially considering how awkwardly Ossai’s knee had bent, he was sobbing on the sidelines minutes after the game ended. While the Bengals didn’t lose the game solely because of Ossai’s mistake, it’s the one that’s unfortunately going to be remembered the most. 

“Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Adapt. React. Readapt. Apt.” — Michael Scott

San Francisco’s sad, depleted quarterback situation 

When a former team’s quarterback (usually a well-known one) says that they’re available to play during a game, it’s usually because that team’s current quarterback was playing abominably. (see if anyone did this once). 

On Sunday, however, the reason why Steve Young jokingly tweeted that he was warming up in the stadium parking lot was because the Niners literally ran out of quarterbacks. Brock Purdy injured his elbow on San Francisco’s first drive of the game, which was later diagnosed as a sprained UCL. Since Jimmy Garoppolo hadn’t been cleared to play yet, the third-stringer, Josh Johnson, entered the ballgame. 

Upon Johnson’s entrance, I was fully prepared to compose a lengthy, text-based monologue about how the journeyman of all journeymen helped lead a team to the Super Bowl. Johnson was a fifth round pick out of the University of San Diego (where he didn’t even play on scholarship) in 2008 by the Buccaneers. In March 2012, when Johnson hit free agency, he signed a deal with the 49ers. 

By the time he signed back with the 49ers this past December for the third time in his career, Johnson had been on 12 other NFL franchises, the Sacramento Mountain Lions (a team in the now-defunct United Football League), the San Diego Fleet (a team in the now-defunct Alliance of American Football) and the Los Angeles Wildcats (a defunct XFL team). After spending his first three seasons in Tampa Bay, Johnson never lasted more than a calendar year with a single team. But now, after over a decade of teams passing him around like condiments at the dinner table, it was his time to shine.

Johnson made a couple of decent throws. He then dropped a perfectly catchable snap. He got sacked three times. Then, he suffered a concussion. Hey universe, what the heck?!

We then entered the rare moment where a team doesn’t have any quarterbacks available to play, and an “emergency” signal-caller (a player who likely played quarterback at some point in their organized football life) is called upon to lead the charge. Usually, when an emergency happens, the people that come to the rescue are qualified and get the job done in an exceptional manner. Emergency quarterbacks, however, are usually the opposite. Here’s a few of the worst:

• Tony Dungy on 10/9/77 against the Oilers (defensive back, former Division I quarterback): 3/8, 43 yards, two interceptions, one horrendously bad fumble that was returned for a touchdown 
• Brian Mitchell on 11/12/90 against the Eagles (running back, former Division I quarterback): 3/6, 40 yards 
• Kendall Hinton on 11/29/20 against the Saints (wide receiver, former Division I quarterback): 1/9, 13 yards, two interceptions 

However, there have been a couple of instances where emergency quarterbacks actually came to the rescue:

• Tom Matte on 1/9/66 against the Cowboys (running back, played some quarterback in both college and the pros): 7/17, 165 yards, two touchdowns, NFL-AFL championship victory 
• Tom Tupa on 9/12/99 against the Patriots (punter, played some quarterback in both college and the pros): 6/10, 165 yards, two touchdowns 

The 49ers had a couple of options, one of which could have landed them on one of the above lists. They could’ve gone to wide receiver Jauan Jennings, who not only played quarterback in high school, but was ranked higher than Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow in the class of 2015. Then again, Chad President and Sheriron Jones (yes, those are real people) were ranked ahead of Jennings. Once again, scouts don’t always shoot 100% from the field. 

The other option was to run the Wildcat offense with Christian McCaffrey at the helm. It seemed like this was going to be the case when McCaffrey swapped his regular helmet with a helmet that had a radio in it in case he needed to communicate the plays to his team. 

Whichever option San Francisco chose, this was to be the ultimate test for Kyle Shanahan, a coach who’d led the Niners deep into the playoffs with suboptimal quarterback situations. He made the Super Bowl with Jimmy Garoppolo in 2020 and was on the doorstep of another title appearance last season. He’d gotten the Niners to a top-two seed in the NFC with a rookie who was the last pick in the draft quarterbacking for most of the season. Now, the great quarterback uplifter was tasked with winning a playoff game having zero true quarterbacks to work with. He had to adapt, react, readapt and, uh, apt. I’m not sure where Michael Scott was going with “apt”.

Instead of conjuring up some kind of football black magic, the Niners offense sputtered, as Purdy was thrown back into the game despite telling trainers that he couldn’t throw far. Even though they sported arguably the most terrifying collection of skill position prowess in the league, it turned out that not having anyone on the field be able to play the most important position makes a team a lot easier to defend. This was evidenced by San Francisco’s -0.7 EPA per rushing attempt in the second half, which is impressive…ly awful. 

This was a depressing end to what was an incredible season for the Niners. They were on the precipice of a second Super Bowl appearance in four seasons with a seventh-round rookie leading the way. Now, an uncertain offseason awaits. They might not be able to keep this team around for much longer. While this season ended on a bitter note, the fact that they made it this far with a quarterback who was literally passed on over 250 times is pretty sweet.

What was not sweet, however, was the Empire State Building lighting up Eagle green and tweeting “Fly Eagles Fly” after the Philadelphia victory. You know, the large and famous building in New York, the state that represents the Giants, who are the rivals with the Eagles, who stomped the Giants 38-7 in the playoffs the week prior. The Chrysler Building was there first, anyways. 

“Money. It’s always about money, isn’t it? If I ever own a business, I’m never going to care about money.” — Michael Scarn

Teams spending on top-tier talent and getting rewarded

There have been a lot of lessons learned throughout this NFL season. Great coaching can uplift a talent-deficient roster. Depth and health are paramount to success. Al Michaels is not a fan of Thursday Night Football. Out of all of the prominent ones, however, one stood out: the teams that spent money and assets on very good players were rewarded, and that especially applied to the last four teams standing. 

This past March, the Eagles signed Philadelphia native and sack master Haason Reddick to a three-year deal that guaranteed Reddick $30 million. All Reddick did was finish second in the league with a career-high 16 sacks and a league-leading five forced fumbles in the regular season. On Sunday, he reigned terror on the 49ers, registering two sacks and forcing a fumble that knocked Brock Purdy out of the game. 

The Eagles also spent on a lot of other players that helped them build arguably the most complete roster in the NFL. They… 

• Sacrificed a third-round pick to steal DeVonta Smith from the Giants draft DeVonta Smith back in 2021
• Gave up a first and third round pick to get AJ Brown, who then signed a four year, $100 million dollar contract with the team
• Traded a first, third, fourth and fifth round pick to get Jordan Davis in last year’s draft
• Traded a fourth, fifth and sixth round pick for Robert Quinn and CJ Gardner-Johnson Still not quite sure how they pulled that off!
• Spent a second round pick on Jalen Hurts despite still having Carson Wentz 

The Niners also spent a lot, and it certainly helped. They gave up a second, third, fourth and fifth round pick to get Christian McCaffrey, who transformed their offense and was one of the lone bright spots in Sunday’s beatdown at the hands of Philadelphia. 

They also gave $55.1 million guaranteed to Trent Williams, $40.5 million guaranteed to Fred Warner and $40 million guaranteed to George Kittle. While the Trey Lance trade might go down as a big oopsie, San Francisco locked down numerous franchise cornerstones for at least the next couple of seasons. 

The Chiefs have also broken the bank lately. They sacrificed a first, third and fourth round pick to grab Trent McDuffie in last year’s draft. They gave up a first, second and two third round picks to the Seahawks for Frank Clark. They traded a first, third, fourth and fifth round pick to the Ravens for Orlando Brown Jr. They gave Justin Reid almost $21 million guaranteed, Chris Jones $60 million guaranteed and locked down Mahomes for half a billion dollars a couple of offseasons ago. Watch Jones bulldoze multiple Bengals offensive lineman to help force a Cincinnati field goal. This is not normal!

Finally, the Bengals. After years of not spending money and assets on players, they’ve finally loosened up, re-tooling their offensive line through and spending valuable money and draft picks on exceptional players. One of those players, Ja’Marr Chase, was taken with the fifth overall pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, a pick that was scrutinized for not being an offensive lineman. I think it’s safe to say that Chase has blossomed into one of the league’s best pass-catchers, and he showed it off on a spectacular reception on fourth down in double coverage.

For some people, spending money is not a fun thing to do. I don’t like it myself. It’s like taking off a blanket on a frigid January morning. There’s a sense of comfort in seeing a few digits in your bank account, only for that comfort to diminish with every purchase. But we’ve learned not just in football, but in other sports, that being cheap rarely works out. Sure, the Oakland A’s and Tampa Bay Rays have found some success in the 21st century by keeping their piggy banks intact, but I don’t see any World Series trophies in their trophy cases from after 2000. In order to win, you have to spend on talent at valuable positions, and that sentiment has been proven once again. 

“Why?” — Toby Flenderson

The Bengals pre-conference championship trash talking

Caroline B. Cooney is an excellent author. Her novels have sold tens of millions of copies, and she’s been writing for almost half a century. However, out of the countless phrases she’s written and spoken throughout her life, one stands out: 

“When in doubt, shut up.”

Hindsight makes it incredibly easy to say this, but there probably should’ve been less talking from Cincinnati’s side prior to Sunday’s game. First, Mike Hilton declared Arrowhead Stadium “Burrowhead Stadium” at the end of the Bengals’ Divisional Round romp of the Bills. This statement definitely had merit, as the Bengals had defeated the Chiefs twice in Kansas City (including last year’s AFC Championship game) since Burrow entered the league. 

After Kansas City triumphed, it didn’t take long for the Chiefs to return the favor.

The second mistake came when the mayor got involved. Cincinnati’s mayor, Aftab Pureval, made an extremely…how do I say this…regrettable and comedy-void video attempting to throw shade at the Chiefs in a cool and hipster fashion. 

You know you messed up when you have to reply to your own tweet the same day you sent it saying that you messed up. Could’ve just deleted the tweet altogether!

This really stinks, because Pureval is a phenomenal person. He’s an Ohioan through-and-through, became the city’s first Asian-American mayor in 2021 and seems like a genuinely great guy. But man, this is going to be a black mark on Pureval’s resume. First off, Mahomes is 460 days older than Burrow, making it literally impossible for Burrow to be Mahomes’ father. Also, Mahomes’s father, Pat, played in the MLB for over a decade. He must’ve felt a little slighted!

Secondly (and far less sarcastically), the whole notion of a quarterback “owning” another quarterback is misleading. It’s not like in basketball, where players are actually going at each other one-on-one and directly impacting the way their individual opponent performs. When Yao Ming blocked Shaquille O’Neal five times in their first meeting against each other, Ming actually “owned” O’Neal. While Eli Manning’s team defeated Tom Brady’s team twice in the Super Bowl, Manning didn’t do anything himself to affect Brady’s performance. So when Mahomes lost to Burrow’s team three times in two seasons, Mahomes actually lost to Lou Anarumo and Cincinnati’s defense, not Burrow himself. Glad we could get that cleared up. 

This might just be a heat-of-the-moment thought, but how much will this impact Pureval’s re-election chances a few years from now? Where does this rank amongst the worst non-scandalous mistakes by a city mayor? What if this is the closest the Bengals get to a Super Bowl for the foreseeable future? What if this video birthed a new curse? I really hope Pureval gets re-elected, and I definitely want to see Burrow win a Super Bowl. But this attempt at being cool missed the mark worse than a Brett Maher field goal in the playoffs. 

Also, Kelce called Pureval a “jabroni” after the game. I did not know “jabroni” was still being used as an insult in 2023.