Week 0 of the college football season is always a little wild and wacky. Here are the winners and losers of the sport’s opening weekend.
Winner: UMAAAASSSSS
6 PM ET brought the college football world a gift from sicko heaven: two of the worst non-Kansas FBS teams in the 2010s playing each other on PRIMETIME TELEVISION. For the little monsters that soak up wonky football like a sponge, this was their Super Bowl. One team (UMass) had lost 37 of their last 40 games dating back to 2019; the other (New Mexico State) won seven games last season for just the third time since 1968. The expectation for tomfoolery, shenanigans and goofy football was sky high.
But on a Saturday that was full of funny football, none was had in Las Cruces. This was a legitimately good football game. Both teams were making exceptional plays on both sides of the ball. I kept waiting for something to stupify me, but it never really happened.
Even more surprising was the fact that the winner was THE UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS MINUTEMEN. UMass looked far from the UMess they’d been over the past few seasons, with the star of the show being quarterback Taisun Phommachanh, a former three-star recruit that never found his footing at Clemson and Georgia Tech before eventually transferring to UMass. He had a pretty awesome debut, putting up 284 all-purpose yards, a rushing touchdown and no turnovers. He had a handful of big runs, including a huge fourth-and-seven conversion that eventually led to a touchdown:
It’s been a little while since UMass football was feeling this good. The three opponents they’d defeated over the past four seasons (Akron in 2019, UConn in 2021 and Stony Brook in 2022) finished with a combined record of 3-32. Saturday’s victory over NMSU was the first time since 1984 that UMass had defeated an FBS opponent in their season-opener.
Many had dubbed UMass to be the worst team in college football once again in 2023. For now, however, the Minutemen are perfect. For at least one week, while countless programs falter, UMass will remain unblemished. Unfaulty. Untarnished. At the summit of college football will stand only the best, and for at least seven more glorious days, that group will include the mighty Minutemen of Massachusetts.
Winner: The Irish in Ireland
In cross-continent battles between two American universities, you might think that the academy who’s responsible for patrolling the seas would have some sort of advantage.
Unfortunately for the Midshipmen, Saturday’s contest against Notre Dame was played on land, and they got their asses kicked. The Irish ripped apart Navy’s defense all game long, finding the end zone on each of their first five drives en route to a 42-3 smackdown.
Navy’s triple-option offense has kept them competitive against superior teams many times – last year, for example, they hung around against the Irish and actually beat ranked UCF behind their funky-looking ground game. While plenty of defenses (and cameramen) have been mystified by the triple-option, Navy couldn’t get much going on Saturday. They were fumbling all over the place, receivers were crashing into each other, and overall, the beer snakes fans built extended to the upper deck were far more cohesive than Navy’s offense.
Elsewhere, Notre Dame quarterback Sam Hartman couldn’t have had much of a better debut. The Wake Forest transfer threw for 251 yards and four touchdowns while registering just four incompletions. On a field full of college students, Hartman looked like a professional. Was it the surgically-repaired rib necklace? It’s gotta be the surgically-repaired rib necklace!
I do have one concern about this game, however. This is Notre Dame’s third dominant victory over Navy in Ireland, with the combined final score of the three meetings being 136-40. Is there an increasing belief in Ireland that it’s a lot easier to invade the United States by sea? Do the actual Irish think that the Naval academy’s football team is indicative of a weak water military? The United States and Ireland are apparently allies, but could a continuously failing triple-option offense overseas jeopardize that relationship??? While I am definitely joking, I would totally understand if Ireland Prime Minister Leo Varadkar thought a teensy bit less of the US because of the Navy’s continuously poor performances in The Emerald Isle.
Loser: The active construction site inside of Vanderbilt’s football stadium
Usually, when a venue opens for a new season, the building looks fresh and ready to serve whoever enters. At the very least, the building is fully put-together.
I welcome you to FirstBank Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee, home of the Vanderbilt Commodores.
The intent of the construction inside of FirstBank is great; when it’s all done, there will be new locker rooms, a new dining hall, a new concourse and more premium seating. The only problem is that the south end zone looks like something an eight-year-old would build if NCAA Football had a “create-a-stadium” mode. The visiting locker room is just a giant tent. The Jumbotron was being held up by cranes, which caused it to sway terrifyingly hard during a 100-minute weather delay.
Vandy ended up prevailing, 35-28, to drop Hawai’i to 2-10 in their last 12 games in or beyond the Central time zone. The Rainbow Warriors put up a valiant fight towards the end of the game, but they were no match for Vanderbilt and their two-craned colossus of a stadium.
Loser: UTEP’s late-game decision-making
I don’t want to take away from Jacksonville State’s victory in their first-ever game as a member of the FBS; that’s a very big deal! But boy, they were helped a LOT by some puzzling late-game decision making by UTEP.
With 1:26 left in regulation and UTEP down by three, the Miners are facing a third-and-one at the JSU 24-yard line. Quarterback Gavin Hardison takes a snap out of the shotgun and launches a rainbow into the end zone for receiver Kelly Akharaiyi, but it goes over his head for an incompletion. Certainly an interesting call on third and short.
However, the Miners will probably be alright, because all signs point to a field goal attempt. Sure, UTEP kicker Buzz Flabiano had missed a 43-yard attempt wide left earlier in the game, but the kick had plenty of distance. Take the tie, don’t shoot for the moon, make Jacksonville State drive the length of the–
…field.
Obviously, had UTEP picked up the first down and scored a touchdown, we’d all be praising the aggressive decision. But ol’ Gavin not only missed a wide open Akharaiyi well beyond the first down marker, JSU safety Jeremiah Harris made a stupendous play on the ball to seal the victory. Unfortunately for the Miners, Hardison dug his team into a game-losing hole with a game-losing decision.
Winner: Caleb Williams
Prior to Saturday, we already knew Caleb Williams was really good at football. Then, he took the field against San Jose State and and was really good at football. Classic Caleb Williams, being really good at football.
Above was the best highlight from an exceptional performance by the USC superstar. It was another display of Williams’ exceptional awareness, timing and arm strength, especially amidst chaos. There wasn’t much to nitpick during his 271-yard, four touchdown afternoon; for four quarters, he certainly looked like the projected top pick in the NFL Draft.
Loser: The University of Fort Lauderdale (indulge me)
A couple of years ago, former Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chris Chambers wanted to help a small Christian commuter school in south Florida. After the University of Fort Lauderdale decided that they wanted to compete athletically in the National Christian College Athletic Association (NCCAA), Chambers, who was beloved locally, became their football head coach prior to the 2021 season, as the school that was located in a strip mall wanted to get a once-great football program back off the ground.
The Eagles first fielded a team in 2017 and were doing great; they’d made a national championship game appearance in their inaugural season. 2019, however, saw a catastrophic plummet into a football abyss, and the cancellation of the 2020 season only furthered the team’s demise. With Chambers’ hire, however, things looked promising. A riches-to-rags-to-riches-again story was certainly in the cards.
A fantastic Reddit post explains the team’s dysfunction more in-depth, but to summarize, this team has been like if Bishop Sycamore was a real school. UFTL has had to forfeit most of their scheduled games (sometimes mid-game) because they wouldn’t have enough players to field a team. They play most of their games on the road, and when they play at “home”, they often have to rent out local soccer fields.
Worst of all, the team has stunk. In 2021, the Eagles got outscored 389-56 and had to cancel three of their games. In 2022, they lost their season-opener 49-2, then ended up canceling the remaining nine games on their schedule. This season, they have a win in their win column, but that’s only because their September 30 opponent, Atlantis University, forfeited.
On Saturday, the Eagles played St. Thomas (FL), who was ranked 14th in the NAIA preseason poll and had been one of the better NAIA teams over the past couple of seasons. It, uh, went about as expected.
St. Thomas led by as much as 63 in their 70-14 annihilation of UFTL. STU rushed for almost five times as many yards (314) as UFTL had registered both rushing and passing (63).
This really stinks, especially because of how much football talent south Florida consistently produces. But if Saturday was any indication of what’s to come, UFTL’s opponents can probably look forward to running up the scoreboard.
Winner: Fun
I might’ve buried the lead here, but college football is a weekly part of our lives again! And with that comes the aforementioned tomfoolery and shenanigans that’s beloved by college football fans everywhere.
On Saturday, silliness was aplenty. Outside of there being excavators behind the goalposts at Vanderbilt, Hawai’i punter Matthew Shipley’s first punt went for exactly zero yards.
In San Diego State’s 20-13 win over Ohio, a pass attempt by Aztec quarterback Jalen Mayden hit a referee square in the face.
Heck, the game between UMass and New Mexico State had to be delayed because there was a drone flying over the field, which isn’t allowed anymore under NCAA rules.
Finally, Florida International almost beat Louisiana Tech despite the Golden Panthers quarterback, Grayson James, registering a whopping four yards passing. Had FIU’s defense not gotten shredded like paper late in the fourth quarter, the glistening statline of 5/14, four yards, zero touchdowns and an interception could’ve belonged to the winning quarterback.
As I said before, Week 0 is always a little drunk. Last season, Vanderbilt rolled into Hawai’i and beat the Rainbow Warriors 63-10, their most points scored in over 50 years. Nebraska was rolling against Northwestern (in Ireland) before Scott Frost inexplicably called an onside kick that was not only recovered by the Wildcats, but spurred a comeback victory for NW’s only win of 2022. In 2019, eventual 6-7 Miami (FL) almost knocked off eventual 11-2 Florida, and Arizona quarterback Khalil Tate was tackled one yard short at the buzzer on what would’ve been the game-tying TD that sealed a victory for Hawai’i.
In Week 0, the quality of football isn’t always very high. But that’s what makes it fun! It embraces the mantra highlighted by the “Sickos Committee”, a group of college football fans who, in summary, love to find the good in the bad. Here’s a passage from a 2021 article by 247 Sports that broke down who the “Sickos” were:
“The game wasn’t anything special, but look closely and there is plenty to admire and celebrate. That’s exactly what these “Sickos” try to highlight on Twitter as they post memes lifting up the under-appreciated stories and the extraordinary in-game situations that often go overlooked as mainstream fans squabble over playoff rankings and the elite teams comprised of All-Americans. Their task is outlined in the “Rules of Sickos,” a working document that also serves a mission statement: “finding joy in the unexpectedly bad and not trying to mock it.”
This week was for the Sickos. The ones who stay up on Tuesday nights. The ones who bathe in the UMass-colored sun while everyone else is watching boring old Alabama and Ohio State. This Saturday was for the ones who truly love college football. In the words of Sam Ehlinger circa 2019…
We’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.