For this week’s NFL recap, I have once again decided to merge two things that I love very much; football and “The Office”. I believe that weaving in the incredible quotability of the NBC phenomenon with the highs and lows of NFL football will make for spectacular content. I take great joy in creating a world where Pam Beesly and Russell Wilson share a commonality, where Michael Scott has something to do with Patrick Mahomes. Oh, what a beautiful world that is.
“I am dead inside.” — Michael Scott
Cowboys 40, Giants 0
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.
– “The Rainy Day”, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1842
“What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?”
It’s a question I always ask myself when I feel like I worry too much about something. Most of the time, the worst thing that could possibly happen (within reason, at least) isn’t actually all that bad.
For the Giants, Sunday might’ve been the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened.
The night felt like the Titanic. A ship with so much promise was rocked by an iceberg, flipped upside down and sunken into darkness. As the rain poured and the wind whipped, the men in blue looked completely helpless against the ‘85 Bea-excuse me, the Dallas Cowboys.
The first drive of the game felt like a deliverance of the promises made over the offseason. The G-Men looked like a well-oiled machine on the backs of Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley, as the two had room to run both up the middle and on the outside. Jones looked comfortable. The offensive line looked far sturdier than it had been since, uh, awhile. It felt like a big step in the right direction, especially against a Cowboys defense that’s easily one of the best in the league.
*panicked music plays*
Andrew Thomas false start.
Errant snap.
Blocked field goal for a touchdown.
That sequence took up just 74 seconds of game time, but it was an omen for the next several hours. For one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night, in front of the entire American football world, the Giants could not do anything right. A pick-six here. A missed field goal there. A fumble. Another fumble. A sack. Another sack. Another sack. You get a sack! You get a sack! EVERYBODY GETS A SAAAAAAACK!
https://x.com/billbarnwell/status/1701122180296110189?s=46&t=nXxIynGF8GbPY0MKBppt4w
After staying upright on the first drive, Jones was under siege for the rest of the night. Images of the pre-Daboll era resurfaced, as New York’s offensive line got manhandled all night long, and as a result, Jones looked uneasy and erratic. Andrew Thomas hurt his hamstring on the blocked field goal and struggled the rest of the way. John Michael Schmitz, the promising rookie center who looked great over the offseason, kept snapping the ball into the ground. The interior had no answers for Dallas’ ludicrous speed and funky stunts. Evan Neal could barely get a whiff of Micah Parsons, as the sophomore had arguably the worst game of his young career, one that might not last very long if he can’t fix the mistakes that plagued him last season.
https://x.com/austingayle_/status/1701238763462987909?s=46&t=nXxIynGF8GbPY0MKBppt4w
By night’s end, MetLife Stadium had become completely consumed by despair. In a series that Dallas has owned for years, this was their finest work: a 40-0 annihilation of their division counterparts. Dak Prescott and the rest of the Cowboys offense didn’t have to do a whole lot; they were up 16-0 before they even started their second offensive possession. All they had to do was not have the worst games of their lives; I guess you could say mission accomplished.
This game was a litmus test for the Giants. There was a glass ceiling that could’ve been smashed with a win, as the Cowboys had won 11 of the last 12 games in the series prior to Sunday. After the G-Men got trounced 38-7 by the Eagles in last year’s Divisional Round, GM Joe Schoen admitted that there was a talent gap between the Giants and the top two teams in the NFC East. Sunday was a golden opportunity to prove that the gap had closed; it only seems to have widened.
I’ve bore witness to serious low points in recent Giants football history: Joe Judge calling a QB sneak on third-and-nine, Ben McAdoo benching Eli Manning for Geno Smith, the ill-fated boat trip before a playoff shellacking at Lambeau, the entire 2017 season. Sunday was the most disheartening three hours of Giants football I’ve ever experienced.
One day, the downpour will subside; after all, only some days must be dark and dreary. The sun will eventually emerge and shine down on East Rutherford sometime in the future, because the Giants are better than this. For now, however, my thoughts still cling to the mouldering past, as my hopes of youth fell thick in the blast.
“We are so rich.” — Michael Scott
The 49ers annihilating the Steelers with their treasure trove of incredible players
For most of the NFL, Week 1 was syllabus week. While I acknowledge the existence of training camp, OTA’s and offseason workouts, a handful of teams looked like they’d taken the summer off. Quarterbacks looked rusty, scores were low, and overall, sloppy football defined the day.
The 49ers were one of the few exceptions.
In season-openers, it’s usually the Steelers coming out of the gates hot, as the black and gold had only lost one season-opener since 2017. But on Sunday, San Francisco played exceptionally on both sides of the ball en route to a dominant 30-7 victory.
You know that kid growing up that had all of the cool toys and gadgets? The 49ers are that kid, and they flexed their wealth all afternoon. Brandon Aiyuk had the best statistical game of his career, finishing with eight catches,129 yards and two touchdowns. He crossed up and dunked on Patrick Peterson after the veteran corner predicted an interception on Sunday and spoke of the 49ers having “tells” on offense. Someone should tell Peterson to get some new cleats. Boom roasted.
But Aiyuk’s most impressive play came when the ball wasn’t even in his hands. When Christian McCaffrey spun out of trouble on a run up the middle, Aiyuk helped pave the way with a crushing block on Damontae Kazee. Along with another gritty blocking effort from Ray-Ray McCloud, McCaffrey found the end zone for his longest regular-season score since October 2019.
Defensively, the Niners were everywhere. The Steelers offense that looked so promising over the summer completely faltered, as Kenny Pickett couldn’t establish any sort of rhythm over the air. The newly DeMeco Ryans-less Niners defense didn’t seem to miss a beat. Heck, when Talanoa Hufanga picked off Pickett early in the fourth quarter, he started goofing around and tossed a lateral to Tashaun Gipson Jr. (unfortunately, the lateral was forward. Nevertheless, ‘twas an indication of the good times San Fran had on Sunday).
https://x.com/Coach_Yac/status/1700959145736761599?s=20
This is a little ridiculous. The Niners have at least six players who could legitimately be considered one of the best at their respective positions (McCaffrey, Samuel, Kittle, Williams, Bosa, Warner. When they’re getting production from elsewhere like they did on Sunday (Aiyuk’s aforementioned big day, Drake Jackson had three sacks), all Brock Purdy needs to do is distribute to open playmakers, which is exactly what he did on Sunday. No wonder Kyle Shanahan wanted Kirk Cousins so badly in 2017.
“Funk is the problem and the solution.” — Michael Scott
The Atlanta Falcons, the funkiest team in the NFL
The Falcons have long been an unconventional NFL franchise. For a while, they’ve seemingly found new ways to lose games every year, and in general, play the game of American football with a dash of silliness.
I knew Falcons football was back in full swing when Desmond Ridder’s first pass attempt of the season was completed to…Desmond Ridder…for a loss of six yards.
I also knew Falcons football was back when I checked the box score after Atlanta defeated the Carolina Panthers 24-10. Despite there not being a single instance of a quarterback intentionally targeting themselves on a pass in NFL history, Ridder ended the afternoon with more receptions than actual wide receiver Drake London, who the Falcons spent the eighth overall pick on in 2021 and would be a featured wideout in probably every other offense in the league.
This is what makes the Falcons the Falcons. They spent a top-ten pick on London, a top-five pick on Kyle Pitts (Mel Kiper Jr.’s highest-graded tight end prospect ever), and another top-ten pick on Bijan Robinson, a generational talent at running back.
On Sunday, Atlanta’s leader in rushing attempts, rushing yards and rushing touchdowns was…Tyler Allgeier, a seventh-round pick from 2022. Their leader in receiving yards was Kyle Pitts with…44. On two receptions. Fantasy managers rejoice! I can already tell that projecting point totals for Atlanta is going to be a ton of fun.
Despite the lack of volume, Robinson was still an electric factory against the Panthers. Right before the NFL Draft in April, I compared Robinson to Waze, which is basically Gen Z Google Maps. It’s a navigation app that’s more adventurous than Google Maps; it’ll do whatever it takes to get its passenger from Point A to Point B in the least amount of time, even if it means taking odd backroads. Unlike Google Maps, which’ll merely suggest a route change to drivers if there’s a faster one, Waze will do it automatically.
Those computer-esque navigation skills were on full display on Sunday. Watch Robinson send poor Frankie Luvu smashing into the turf with a lethal cutback, then break multiple tackles en route to his first career NFL touchdown. Again, not the most conventional path to the promised land, but he got there!
Now, watch Robinson make Jeremy Chinn tackle the air with another nasty juke. It’s only been a couple of preseason games and a single regular season game, but thus far, Robinson’s been everything that was promised.
https://x.com/NFL/status/1700949854082715940?s=20
Spending loads of capital on skill position players and not using them frequently is certainly a choice, especially considering that the Falcons haven’t invested nearly as much in more “valuable” positions like offensive line, defensive line, defensive back and, most notably, quarterback. Arthur Smith & Co. have taken the modern positional value argument and flipped it upside down, only to not actually use those players that much in games (so, doubly-upside down? This team befuddles me).
However, at the end of the day, winning football games is all that matters, and the Falcons did that on Sunday. How long they can keep running this unusual style of offense successfully, I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that the Falcons have another superstar on their hands in Robinson.
“I’m a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing.” — Creed Bratton
Joe Burrow & Co. struggling in both Week 1 and against the Browns, for some reason
There wasn’t a greater example of a rusty team on Sunday than the Cincinnati Bengals, whose rust was compounded by them playing the Cleveland Browns, a team , for some reason, they can’t find a way to beat.
Since 2018, the Browns are 9-2 against the Bengals. Even amidst losing seasons in Cleveland, you could mostly count on a victory over Cincinnati, and Sunday was very much included.
Joe Burrow had 82 passing yards on 31 passing attempts. Tee Higgins had zero receptions on eight targets; it’s only the eighth time in NFL history where a wide receiver had at least eight targets and ame away with no catches. The Browns defense had a spectacular evening at all three levels, exemplified by Myles Garrett doing air crossovers before immediately collapsing the pocket and making Joe Burrow step up into a sack.
https://x.com/austingayle_/status/1701100714985165003?s=20
Since Zac Taylor became the head coach, the Bengals have struggled in season-openers, as they’ve lost three out of their last four, which included a Burrow disaster-class at the hands of the Steelers last season.
Hot take (that shouldn’t be that hot): The Bengals will be fine.
Taylor has been known for not playing his starters during the preseason, which was shortened from four games to three in 2021. During the 2023 offseason, Burrow suffered a lower calf strain in July and was out for several weeks, further compounding the rust. Add wonky weather to the equation, and a poor performance doesn’t actually seem that shocking.
This doesn’t mean that the Browns defense isn’t actually that good; they definitely are. Both things can be true. Burrow had little time to throw, and although Burrow usually thrives under pressure, downfield coverage was excellent. But the Bengals stinking it up shouldn’t remain a consistent theme. Burrow committed five turnovers in last year’s opening-game defeat, and Cincinnati was right back in the AFC Championship.
Maybe Burrow’s calf was bothering him. Maybe the porous weather that forced Burrow to put a glove on his right hand affected him. Whatever the case, the alarm bells should stay silent in the 513.
“I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” — Dwight Schrute
The Dolphins offense lighting the world on fire (again)
The Miami Dolphins offense was one of the biggest revelations in the league last season. As a tandem, Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle instilled unprecedented amounts of fear into defensive backs. With their quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, being exceptional at throwing the ball quickly and accurately, Miami sported arguably the most fun offense in football last season under the watch of Mike McDaniel. Only Tagovailoa’s numerous head injuries plagued what could’ve been a truly spectacular season in South Beach.
Nevertheless, Tua was back on Sunday, and he looked better than ever. Just like last season, Tua peppered the deep middle of the field, capitalizing on the space LA’s secondary kept giving Miami’s receivers underneath. He was quick, decisive and accurate, three things that are paramount to success in McDaniel’s dynamite offense. Not just that, he showed progress in a handful of areas he’d been criticized for in the past. His spectacular game-winning back shoulder dime to Tyreek Hill was one example, but this rainbow to Hill earlier in the half sums that development up in one play.
https://x.com/NFL/status/1701013649677316139?s=20
While it was just one play, that throw alone might’ve killed three criticism birds with one stone. He correctly reacted to pocket pressure, stepped up and delivered a 45-yard rocket that landed right in Hill’s breadbasket. Tua didn’t just look like a positive game manager; this was a level up. Tua played like a quarterback Miami can win because of.
Hill, whose top registered speed in a game (23.24 MPH) actually is in-between a snake (18 MPH), mongoose (20 MPH) and panther (at least 35 MPH), was the biggest beneficiary of Tua’s stellar play, as he tore apart the Chargers secondary all afternoon. He registered his third career 200-yard game; Amari Cooper and Julio Jones are the only other active players to have that many (yes, Jones hasn’t officially retired yet).
If the Dolphins are going to play at this level on offense once again, I submit a request to the football higher-ups to keep everyone healthy for the entire season. It’s an ambitious ask, but my gosh, this aerial attack is 60 minutes of lightning strikes that I want to last forever.
“Bernard’s are not allowed to talk like babies, even when we’re babies.” – Andy Bernard
Packers quarterbacks are clearly not allowed to be bad, even in their first game as the full-time starter
Between Bart Starr, Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, the Packers have had an awesome franchise QB for most of their post-WWII existence. The last time the cheeseheads had any sort of real instability at signal-caller was before the 1992 season, when Green Bay took a chance on Favre by trading for him that offseason.
2023 presented a scenario that hadn’t been present in Packers-land since the Chicago Bulls were in the middle of three-peating the first time. After a couple of tumultuous years behind Rodgers, Love got his first crack as the full-time starter and was swimming amidst a pool of public uncertainty all offseason. In his first game as the guy, Love played…pretty well!
https://x.com/BleacherReport/status/1701005988353237129?s=20
https://x.com/FieldYates/status/1701204441624612930?s=20
While it wasn’t a perfect game, Love looked like a solid NFL starting quarterback. He was decisive, accurate, and he uplifted a Packers offense that was missing Christian Watson. He didn’t look very overwhelmed, especially on the fumbled snap; his composure amidst chaos was impressive. There was legitimate manipulation of the Bears defense, both with pump fakes and look-offs, which is also encouraging.
The Packers were my pick to win the NFC North prior to the season. The sample size is obviously small, but Love certainly looks the part of a quarterback who can lead a solid all-around team to, at the very least, above-average regular season success.
“Wow, I feel really good right now.” — Pam Beesly
We’re back!
Maybe I should’ve mentioned something about this earlier, but I’m super happy to be back writing these columns. Last year was a blast, and I’m excited to continue doing this every weekend for the next few months.
Obviously, I’m not going to touch on everything every week, even though I’d like to. I didn’t even mention the Rams’ 30-13 drubbing of the Seahawks on the back of a rejuvenated Matthew Stafford and, you guessed it, Puka Nacua! Calvin Ridley had an awesome return, and even in losses, the Texans and Titans not named Ryan Tannehill played pretty well. The Ravens might be cursed, the Bears look the same, and the Buccaneers might not actually be that bad. There’s a good chance that one of those results looks like a total aberration by January.
While the quality of football wasn’t very high, I think we’re all simply glad to have football back as a regular part of our lives, even if it means my beloved Giants getting embarrassed in front of tens of millions of people.