Now that college students are mostly attending parties and other social obligations again, it’s time to once again change our personalities in the moment in order to gain respect and admiration for your peers. As someone who doesn’t like people, talking at parties can be a bit of a chore for me, especially when a heated debate breaks out and you’re forced to choose a side like a mid-2000s TV family drama. Instead of doing this, you can become Switzerland: the neutral party that always toes that line and says generally bland statements that everyone can agree with. So, here are five lukewarm musical takes that just about everyone can agree with, once again proving yourself to be the most insightful and conversational person at any party (unless someone else you know reads this, in which case I suggest a single pistol dual at the break of dawn).
1.“I really believe that Pet Sounds was certainly the most creative and influential album that the Beach Boys made”
Starting with a really easy one here. This one works on a few levels, as no one can really name a Beach Boys album outside of Pet Sounds. Secondly, any of their music outside of this album is very much one-dimensional, where the themes are either about driving, surfing, or driving to the beach in order to engage in some surfing. This take also shows people that you enjoy the finer things of older music which, as we all know, automatically makes you interesting and cool. This album is considered one of the best of all time by any band and would be very hard to disagree with as being their most influential.
2. Boy, that (ex-boyfriend to be named later) probably sure regrets breaking up with Taylor Swift!!
This is sort of the inverse of the previous take. Instead of being cool and alternative liking older music, you’ve now got your finger on the pulse of what’s hip. You clearly know about the new Taylor album, and now everyone knows you know what’s going on with today’s youth. You don’t even need to listen to the album to be able to say this, although reading tabloid magazines might help here. The ex-boyfriend can be chosen by you, giving you some creative freedom here.
3. Gosh, I hope James Corden doesn’t appear in the new ‘Wicked’ musical
While this also shows your finger is on the pulse of society, admittedly this is less of a discussion point on what may be considered the ‘cool’ crowd. Nevertheless, the musical ‘Wicked’ is getting a movie adaptation, and there’s already concern a show-runner for the project saying ‘James Corden’ three times in an on-set mirror and having him subsequently appear out of nowhere and break into song. It’s a sight that every demographic is tired of seeing in their musicals unless you’re a suburban mom who still finds him delightfully charming. When it comes to the take itself, if you want to replace the word “gosh” with something more risqué, you are allowed as long as I am not held legally responsibly for any potential backlash.
4. I prefer Kanye West’s earlier works
“I miss the old Kanye” is overdone. If there’s one thing I learned from English classes over the years, adding more words to a sentence will make you seem much more intelligent. If you’re going to use this take, I would recommend dressing to enhance this intelligent image, including broad-rimmed glasses, brown pants with minimal pockets, and a tweed jacket with elbow patches. Besides, we all miss the old Kanye (especially Kim Kardashian) so it’ll be hard to disagree with this one.
5. “I cannot wait for the next edition of Outback Funkhouse on Sunday 4pm-6pm on KCOU 88.1 Columbia!
Just kidding! No one listens to my show.
6. “I cannot wait for that upcoming biopic about that popular musician!
There’s plenty to choose from here. Both Bob Dylan and Elvis Presley have movies coming out and Hollywood will not stop beating this dead horse of nostalgia until the end of time. These kinds of movies are the ones that people will discuss at a party and likely never go and see unless their mom wants them to as a source of education. Regardless, it’ll still stir up come conversation that you can silently nod your head to.
Well folks, this should be more than enough to get yourself through your next few parties. If carried out correctly, these takes will make you seem agreeable, smart, and well enough educated to the point where the less intelligent partygoers around you may even be intimidated by your presence. If these don’t work, you do not have my permission to look at legal action against me, since that would be quite rude. Happy socialising!
