In today’s political climate, we as a nation are divided.  Not since the times of Lincoln has the United States stood so divided on countless hotbed issues that finding a middle ground seems an impossible task.  Now more than ever, this nation needs a strong unifying voice to lead the nation forward, and I am proud to say that today I will step up to the plate and do just that.

The most divisive issue facing this enduring nation, as we all know, is as follows: what’s going to happen with NCAA Division I conference realignment?  Fear not, America, for I, the nation’s leading expert in all colleges, have taken the liberty to draw new realignment lines, and not just for college football.  No no no, your good buddy Adam has taken the time to redraw new conferences for all 363 division 1 basketball schools.  Really, there’s no need to thank me.

Without further adieu, let’s get right into it.

GEOGRAPHIC REGION CONFERENCES

One of the major conjoining factors for many of today’s pre-established conferences is geographic proximity, a concept that I see no issues with.  However, the ebb and flow of conference shifts has antiquated some of the geographical bounds that pre-established conferences claim.  In what world is Missouri a part of the South?  And how is it considered Eastern?  And for that matter, what part of Colorado, Utah and Arizona are Pacific?  Instead of attempting to improve upon these conferences, I have instead opted to create five major conferences representing each of the directions in this great nation.

NORTHERN CONFERENCE

• NORTHERN ALABAMA
• NORTH DAKOTA
• NORTH FLORIDA
• NORTH TEXAS
• NORTHEASTERN
• NORTHERN COLORADO
• NORTHERN ILLINOIS
• NORTHERN IOWA
• NORTHERN KENTUCKY
• NORTHWESTERN
• NORTHWESTERN STATE
• CALIFORNIA STATE NORTHRIDGE

SOUTHERN CONFERENCE

• SOUTH ALABAMA
• SOUTH DAKOTA
• SOUTH CAROLINA
• GEORGIA SOUTHERN
• SOUTHERN INDIANA
• SMU
• SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
• USF
• SOUTHERN MISS
• SOUTHERN UTAH
• CHARLESTON SOUTHERN
• SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

EASTERN CONFERENCE

• EASTERN MICHIGAN
• EASTERN ILLINOIS
• EASTERN KENTUCKY
• EASTERN WASHINGTON
• EAST CAROLINA
• MARYLAND EASTERN SHORE
• SEMO
• SOUTHEASTERN LOUISIANA

WESTERN CONFERENCE

• WEST VIRGINIA
• WESTERN ILLINOIS
• WESTERN KENTUCKY
• WESTERN CAROLINA
• WESTERN MICHIGAN

CENTRAL CONFERENCE

• CENTRAL ARKANSAS
• CENTRAL MICHIGAN
• NORTH CAROLINA CENTRAL
• CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE
• UCF

Of course, not all of this nation’s geographical features can be summed up solely by directions.  As such, I have also taken the liberty to create a couple conferences dictated by the geographical features of their member schools.

MOUNTAIN CONFERENCE

• APPALACHIAN STATE
• COLORADO
• COLORADO STATE
• MONTANA
• MONTANA STATE
• MOUNT ST. MARY’S
• LOYOLA MARYMONT
• STONEHILL
• LEHIGH (MOUNTAIN HAWKS)
• LITTLE ROCK

WATER CONFERENCE

• COASTAL CAROLINA
• FLORIDA ATLANTIC
• FLORIDA GULF COAST
• GRAND CANYON
• HAWAII
• LONG ISLAND
• MIAMI (HURRICANES)
• NIAGRA
• PACIFIC
• RHODE ISLAND
• STONY BROOK
• TULSA (GOLDEN HURRICANES)
• UMASS LOWELL (RIVER HAWKS)

STATES, CITIES, AND NOT-STATES

No matter how you look at it, there sure are many colleges which feature the word ‘state’ in them.  Some of them aren’t even real states!  Isn’t that crazy?  Even crazier still, some schools representing states don’t even have the word ‘state’ in their official titles.  Who named these schools, anyway?

STATES

• ARKANSAS
• FLORIDA
• IDAHO
• ILLINOIS
• LOUISIANA
• MARYLAND
• NEBRASKA
• NEVADA
• OKLAHOMA
• OREGON
• TEXAS
• MASSACHUSETTS
• UTAH
• VERMONT
• VIRGINIA
• WYOMING

STATE STATES

• ARKANSAS STATE
• DELAWARE STATE
• FLORIDA STATE
• IDAHO STATE
• ILLINOIS STATE
• INDIANA STATE
• IOWA STATE
• LOUISIANA STATE
• NORTH DAKOTA STATE
• OHIO STATE
• OREGON STATE
• SOUTH DAKOTA STATE
• TENNESSEE STATE
• TEXAS STATE
• UTAH STATE
• VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH (what is a commonwealth, if not just a funny state?)

NON-STATE STATES

• COPPIN STATE
• JACKSONVILLE STATE
• KENNESAW STATE
• KENT STATE
• MCNEESE STATE
• MORGAN STATE
• MURRAY STATE
• NORFOLK STATE
• SAM HOUSTON STATE
• SAN JOSE STATE
• TARLETON STATE
• WEBER STATE
• WRIGHT STATE

CITIES

• ALBANY
• CINCINNATI
• DENVER
• DETROIT MERCY
• HARTFORD
• HOUSTON
• JACKSONVILLE
• OMAHA
• PORTLAND
• RICHMOND
• SAINT LOUIS
• SAN DIEGO
• SAN FRANCISCO
• SEATTLE
• TOLEDO
• ALABAMA-BIRMINGHAM
• ILLINOIS-CHICAGO
• TEXAS-ARLINGTON
• WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE

CITY STATES

• BOISE STATE
• CHICAGO STATE
• CLEVELAND STATE
• FRESNO STATE
• LONG BEACH STATE
• PORTLAND STATE
• SACRAMENTO STATE
• SAN DIEGO STATE
• WICHITA STATE

There are too many schools in the University of California system, and there are too many schools in the California State system.  Both of these statements are factual.  Another factual statement is that I didn’t want to bother to break all of them down into new conferences, so I grouped them together.

CALIFORNIA AND CALIFORNIA STATE CONFERENCE

• CALIFORNIA STATE BAKERSFIELD
• CALIFORNIA STATE FULLERTON
• UC DAVIS
• UC IRVINE
• UC SANTA BARBARA
• UC SAN DIEGO

ANIMAL MASCOTS

Birds, Bears, Dogs and Cats, oh my!

BIRDS

• BOSTON COLLEGE (EAGLES)
• CANISIUS (GRIFFINS)
• CREIGHTON (BLUE JAYS)
• DAYTON (FLYERS)
• DELAWARE (FIGHTIN’ BLUE HENS)
• ELON (PHOENIX)
• IOWA (HAWKEYES)
• MARQUETTE (GOLDEN EAGLES)
• MIAMI OF OHIO (REDHAWKS)
• WINTHROP (EAGLES)

BEARS

• BELMONT (BRUINS)
• CALIFORNIA (GOLDEN BEARS)
• MAINE (BLACK BEARS)
• MERCER
• MISSOURI STATE
• OAKLAND (GOLDEN GRIZZLIES)

DOGS

• BOSTON (TERRIERS)
• GEORGETOWN (HOYAS)
• GEORGIA (BULLDOGS)
• LOYOLA CHICAGO (RAMBLERS)
• LOYOLA MARYLAND (GREYHOUNDS)
• MISSISSIPPI STATE (BULLDOGS)
• TENNESSEE (shout out to Smokey.  What even is a Volunteer anyway?)
• WASHINGTON (HUSKIES)
• WOFFORD (TERRIERS)
• YALE (BULLDOGS)

CATS

• ABELINE CHRISTIAN (WILDCATS)
• CLEMSON (TIGERS)
• COLLEGE OF CHARLESTON (COUGARS)
• COLUMBIA (LIONS)
• DAVIDSON (WILDCATS)
• FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL (GOLDEN PANTHERS)
• GEORGIA STATE (PANTHERS)
• KANSAS STATE (WILDCATS)
• LAFAYETTE (LEOPARDS)
• OHIO (BOBCATS)
• PITT (PANTHERS)
• PRINCETON (TIGERS)

CONFERENCE INDUSTRIES

For too long, universities featuring completely different main majors have competed on the court, and frankly, I think that isn’t right.  Why would we, the people, need to know if engineers are better athletes than animal science majors?  Instead, I plan to unify colleges of similar majors, because who doesn’t want to know which military academy has the best hoops program?

TECHS

• CAL POLYTECHNIC
• GEORGIA TECH
• LOUISIANA TECH
• NORTH CAROLINA A&T
• NEW JERSEY INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY
• TENNESSEE TECH
• TEXAS TECH
• UTAH TECH
• VIRGINIA TECH

MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

• AIR FORCE
• AMERICAN
• ARMY
• LIBERTY
• NAVY
• TEXAS A&M
• THE CITADEL
• VANDERBILT
• VIRGINIA MILITARY INSTITUTE

RELIGION

• BYU
• CALIFORNIA BAPTIST
• HIGH POINT
• HOLY CROSS
• HOUSTON CHRISTIAN
• INCARNATE WORD
• NOTRE DAME
• PRESBYTERIAN
• PROVIDENCE (FRIARS)
• SACRED HEART
• SANTA CLARA (santa counts as a religion)
• ST. MARY’S
• ST. BONAVENTURE
• ST. FRANCIS (NY)
• ST. FRANCIS (PA)
• ST. JOHNS
• ST. JOSEPH’S
• ST. PETER’S
• ST. THOMAS
• TCU
• TEMPLE
• WAKE FOREST (DEMON DEACONS)

These schools do not exist, so they can not have a main major, but it felt fitting to slot them in here as well.  Maybe if they did exist, these would all be culinary schools.  Who knows.

FAKE SCHOOLS

• DREXEL
• MARIST
• MERRIMACK
• QUEENS
• RADFORD
• STETSON
• TEXAS A&M COMMERCE
• TOWSON
• UTAH VALLEY

COLLEGE NAMING CONVENTIONS

Let’s face it: some colleges are named dumb things.  Some are named even funny things.  And an undeniable fact about college names is that a lot of them allow you to classify those institutions by their name alone.  Which is convenient for me, because I’ve done just that.

THE NAME CONFERENCE

• BRADLEY
• BRYANT
• CAMPBELL
• CHARLOTTE
• DePAUL
• DRAKE
• EVANSVILLE
• GARDNER WEBB
• GEORGE MASON
• GEORGE WASHINGTON
• HOWARD
• JAMES MADISON
• LAMAR
• LOUISIANA MONROE
• MARSHALL
• ROBERT MORRIS
• SAMFORD
• STEPHEN F. AUSTIN
• TENNESSEE MARTIN
• TROY
• WAGNER
• WILLIAM & MARY

FOUR WORDS OR MORE

• EAST TENNESSEE STATE UNIVERSITY
• INDIANA PURDUE FORT WORTH
• INDIANA UNIVERSITY PURDUE UNIVERSITY INDIANAPOLIS
• MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE UNIVERSITY
• SOUTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY EDWARDSVILLE
• TEXAS A&M CORPUS CHRISTI
• UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND-BALTIMORE COUNTY
• UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI- KANSAS CITY
• UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- ASHEVILLE
• UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- GREENSBORO
• UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA- WILMINGTON
• UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA- LAS VEGAS
• UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA UPSTATE
• UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS EL PASO
• UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS RIO GRANDE VALLEY
• UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SAN ANTONIO

FOOD

• BING(HAM)PTON
• BUFFALO
• COLGATE (toothpaste is basically a food)
• (CORN)ELL
• FORD(HAM)
• (HAM)PTON
• MINNE(SOTA)
• (PEPPER)DINE
• RICE

COLORS

• ALABAMA (CRIMSON TIDE)
• BOWLING GREEN
• BROWN
• GREEN BAY
• HARVARD (CRIMSON)
• RUTGERS (SCARLET KNIGHTS)
• SIENA
• STANFORD (CARDINAL)
• SYRACUSE (ORANGE)
• TULANE (GREEN WAVE)

ROCK OF AGES

• NEW HAMPSHIRE
• NEW MEXICO
• NEW MEXICO STATE
• NEW ORLEANS
• OLD DOMINION
• OLE MISS
• YOUNGSTOWN STATE

THE FUNNY NAME CONFERENCE

• AUSTIN PEAY
• BALL STATE
• BUTLER
• DARTMOUTH
• FAIRLEIGH DICKINSON
• LINDENWOOD
• LIPSCOMB
• LONGWOOD
• MONMOUTH
• MORHEAD STATE
• ORAL ROBERTS
• RIDER

THE DUMB NAME CONFERENCE

• BELLARMINE
• BUCKNELL
• CHATTANOOGA
• DUQUESNE
• FAIRFIELD
• FURMAN
• HOFSTRA
• LA SALLE
• PURDUE
• QUINNIPIAC
• SETON HALL
• VALPARAISO

ZZZ

• AKRON (ZIPS)
• ARIZONA
• ARIZONA STATE
• GONZAGA
• MIZZOU
• NORTHERN ARIZONA
• WAZZU
• XAVIER (close enough)

ACTUAL BASKETBALL CONFERENCE

I suppose I would be remiss in re-aligning conferences without college basketball actually being a factor, and with that in mind, here are the basketball-first college basketball conferences.

All of these schools have won at least a few national basketball championships.  Welcome to the big leagues.

CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS

• DUKE
• INDIANA
• KENTUCKY
• LOUISVILLE
• MICHIGAN STATE
• NORTH CAROLINA STATE
• OKLAHOMA STATE
• UCLA
• UCONN
• UNC
• VILLANOVA

All of these schools are currently shrouded in some sort of national controversy, and instead of scattering them around the nation and messing with the mojo of my other, perfect, conferences, I have elected to group them all together under one, very very gray, cloud, where the rest of us won’t have to think about them.

CONTROVERSY CONFERENCE

• AUBURN
• BAYLOR
• IONA
• KANSAS
• MANHATTAN
• MEMPHIS
• MICHIGAN
• PENN STATE
• WISCONSIN

And last, but not least: why mess with perfection?

THE SWAC

• ALABAMA A&M
• ALABAMA STATE
• ALCORN STATE
• ARKANSAS PINE BLUFF
• BETHUNE COOKMAN
• FLORIDA A&M
• GRAMBLING STATE
• JACKSON STATE
• MISSISSIPPI VALLEY STATE
• PRAIRIE VIEW A&M
• SOUTHERN
• TEXAS SOUTHERN